MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART VI

[ItHurts]

Hey everyone,
It's been awhile and I have lots to update. There's been contact with my WAW because my Mom died suddenly and totally inexpectedly during my visit with her one night. However I had spoken to WAW before that as well and there's stuff to update you on.
I will be back with the full update soon.
Hey Thornton!! I doubt you'll ever see this post now but I hope all is well with you.

[sandi2]

I lost my mother and in less than 12 months later, I lost my daughter. I miss having my mother to talk to, and if she was here, I could talk to her about grieving for my daughter. Grieving is not something we want to do, but it is necessary when we suffer relationship loss. You truly have my sympathy. ((It Hurts))

I am anxious to read your update.

[Thornton]

IH,

So sorry to hear about your mom. That's rough.

Unfortunately, I'm back here again. She left in late January after we bought our house. Go figure..

Enough about me, I want to hear about you!

[ItHurts]

Hey Thorton,
Good to hear from you but but you had to suffer through the sequel!! I'm sorry bro!
My update picks up where I left off back in August. Since my last WAW update about the flat tire interaction in August I had once again continued no contact until I heard from her in late October. I was the victim of a roadside robbery and was beaten up. My WAW heard about it and contacted me to check on me saying she wasn't sure if I wanted her to text buy that she felt like she had to. I played it cool and just said I don't care if you text or not. Then she said something like she wishes we had had kids together because then "it wouldn't be so weird" for her to text me. She said there's times she wants to text to say hi but doesn't because she thinks it might annoy me. She said it's hard not to want to talk to me sometimes because I was her best friend for a long time,especially when she hears or sees something that reminds her of me.

At the time she was writing this it was football season and we always had fun on "football Sundays" together cheering our team so she said she especially gets the urge to talk to me more during football season and the impending holidays. Then she asked about our cats... we'll call them Cat and Cat 2. We lost one cat while we were still together, the one that Cat lived with since he was a kitten, so we got Cat 2. Once we divorced I took Cat, the old cat, and Cat 2, the kitten we'd gotten the year before.
WAW mentioned how she misses Cat's housemate that died so much as it was her first pet she ever picked out and raised. She said she misses Cat and Cat 2, especially when she sees her friends' cats.
I gave her a little nudge I suppose but i felt it was time i asked her what else she missed besides the cats...so I did.

She replied with various things like my cousin, our mechanic, rituals we used to have, familiar surroundings, her old job at times... she mentioned she watches Golden Girls, a show we used to watch late night together. She said it makes her feel safe watching it...whatever that means.

So I decided to point blank ask her..."have you ever once thought about coming home?"

She said...(this is her actual cut and pasted reply)

"Hard question to answer but I will. Yes there have been times when I have thought about that possibility. But I think often times those thoughts are misleading. Like...when things are hard or on down days. There are times I've thought of running home. But I have changed a lot. I wouldn't want to get into it for the security of it all. I challenge myself now and it feels good to be my own boss. But of course. I will always love you. I just ugh... It's complicated. Lol"

I decided at this point that I would make a move. So I subtly explained to her that it wouldn't be about security. It would have to be different now with us. That she has options if she chose to do that. I basically put her on the spot and said I need to know now if possible reconciliation is even in her head or not now. I basically told her that I don't want the possibility of reconciliation to even occupy any of my brain space if she didn't see that happening ever...so I wanted to know. She replied...again a cut and paste here...

"It's nice to read that. And I wish it was that easy. But it's not. I've been building a life here that you know nothing about. I too miss you but I don't try to pretend that I don't. I'm honest about all of my emotions now. But I miss all the good stuff. What stops me from allowing that to take me over is remembering all those nights I felt so alone. All the times I begged you to support my thoughts and feelings. It all became about you. Not all your fault cuz I let it happen. But I need my life to be about me. I'm more confident. Yet I have a lot more work to do.
I am also in a relationship now. We are going really slow. But I'm enjoying it. You and I had a lot of years to get it right... The thing we always did get right was our friendship. I don't know what else to say except it's nice to finally read some truth from you. Cuz I miss you too. Let's just sit with this for a while. I don't want to hurt right now."

Now this was the first I'd heard about a new relationship so I replied telling her that first off I see you're still thinking about all the bad things with us...the very things that wouldn't be a second time around...HOWEVER... I had no idea you were involved with someone and if I did know that I never would've wasted my time with this reconciliation talk. I also said I don't think it's a good idea that we talk if you're in a relationship. I wish you can him the best of luck.
She replied that she was driving now and would write more later. I replied with that there was no need to write more because I've heard all I need to hear. That was the last contact I had with her until my Mom's death 3 months later in January.

Then I get the text from her about my Mom's death. Her condolences, how she can't stop crying because she loved my Mom. That she was horrified that I had to be there when my Mom collapsed and died and that I witnessed it. She said picturing me witnessing that disturbed her greatly. She mentioned how she knew how good I took care of my Mom, etc etc.
I thanked her for all the years she helped me with my Mom and that my Mom loved her too, etc etc.

Here is her reply to that cut and pasted...

"You don't have to thank me. That's what mature adults do when they care about one another. When I heard the news I immediately started to lose my [censored]. The thought of you having to be there and witness that...well let's just say it disturbed me greatly. I know you and I know what great care you always took of your mom. And the bond between you. I could picture the whole thing in my mind and started to pray for you. If I was home I would have been there with you A.S.A.P. However things being... this is the best I can do. Just know that there is one person out there that understands exactly what you are going through. You have a tough exterior but I know the man behind the mask. So my friendship is here if you need it. Sister-in-law called and said if you need help going through your mom's place she would help. My mother has extended the same offer. You shouldn't do this alone. So please at the least bring one of your cute girlfriends with you or my mom. My mother is very good at dealing with these things. One thing to keep in mind is your mom wanted to be with your Step-Dad more than anything else after he passed. Now they are together and I would bet money they have set up a casino in heaven. They are probably having dinner with my grandparents. Hugs hugs and more hugs!"

At this point I was still upset about my Mom and I sensed the whole friendship tone of her message so I decided to withdraw from engaging conversation anymore and simple replied with thanking her again for her concern and condolences and to stay well... basically subtly ending conversation. She took the hint and never replied back but her Mom showed up at my work with a nice gift bag for me and a condolences card. That was very nice of her although a bit awkward and obscure from my point of view since I haven't laid eyes on my WAW's Mom in nearly two years now... but a nice lady just the same.

Then silence for another month until I get hit with yet another tragedy. Our cat, Cat, died about 10 days ago. I came home from work and found him dead. It was heartbreaking after 16 years with Cat. Of course WAW catches wind of it and in comes the text from her. Again how sad or made her that Cat died. How just because we're not married anymore doesn't mean she doesn't have great regret especially at tragic times like this.

This time I was very brief with her. She asked if I was okay. I said I am fine thank you. She said do you want to talk about it. I said no I am good but thanks for your concern. She asked if I was sure because she could be a very good friend. I said no thanks I'm all set but thanks for your concern. I told her to have a weekend... hoping she'd catch the hint I didn't want to talk to her. Apparently she did because she responded with only "you too."

That was the last I heard from her and that last convo was 8 days ago.

So that's my update...sorry it's so long but I had a lot of bad stuff happen... this after my brother's death last year which I'm sure is documented back in this thread somewhere...so I had to update on lots of WAW activity.

[Zues126]

Ithurts, thanks for the updates. I do appreciate them.

I would have handled all of this almost exactly the same way. Good job keeping boundaries around you. While I might not have asked about R, I like the fact that you did it so directly. You didn't talk about your feelings, what you wanted, you just asked what the heck she wanted. Almost like you asked her "You destroyed our life together, what more do you want from me?" And thought she talked as if she was conflicted, like it was complicated, at the end of the day it's very, very, very simple. Watch her feet. Are they walking back to where you lived? Or are they staying put where she is, and dancing with another man? Oh, yeah. Not complicated. She wants to be D and continue with her new life.

Of course she has pain and regrets. To me that is about cake eating and alleviating guilt. I don't suggest you try to make her feel guilty as punishing behavior, but you definitely can't allow yourself to get hurt in order to let her have the things she misses about you, and so she can spin the story to herself that she's good to you because even though she walked out on you before you went through the hardest patch of your life, hey, she texted you in between love making sessions with OM. PASS.

It's obvious to me why you couldn't allow anything to do with her. I didn't say why you "don't want" anything to do with her. You just won't settle for watching your marriage degenerate to an opposite sex long distance friendship. I wouldn't either.

And as for what 'mature people do', mature people don't allow destructive people to continue to negatively impact their life, mature people don't try to take what they want from someone that they've wounded without regard to what that person wants, and mature people don't walk out of a marriage.

I'm honest about all of my emotions now. But I miss all the good stuff...I need my life to be about me...You and I had a lot of years to get it right...it's nice to finally read some truth from you.

My thoughts reading this would be "I am honest about my emotions, just not OPEN with them to someone that I don't want in my life in this fashion. Obviously your life is about you. As for 'getting it right', marriage isn't conditional, and I have no interest in having people in my life that think it is. So when I don't reply anymore...that IS the 'truth'."

But of course I wouldn't say any of it. I'd just continue to move forward. It's obvious that there hasn't been one step towards anything that would look like R. Of course she has feelings. Good for her. But as I said, her feet haven't wiggled. And it's clear she thinks she's the emotionally mature new age one. Maybe she even uses your unwillingness to be friends as proof that you aren't evolved enough to maintain a relationship the way the magazine articles say it should be done, you know, the type she left you to look for. She feels bad but can't be anchored down by such a one dimensional emotionally immature controlling selfish person like you...but she still wants you to pine for her and to be there when she wants. I'd rather be eat by a goat and $hit off a cliff than to have a person like that in my life.

I don't hate your WAW, shoot, I don't know her. But I do hate this attitude. And I wouldn't want to touch that with an 11' pole. My XW is about the same. I could write a lot of this about her as well. But it isn't about right or wrong. The MOMENT someone thinks divorce is an option and destroys a family, well, they're a different species from me, and while it hurts, I couldn't care less about what that species thinks of me. What I care about is what *I* think of me. And I do my best every day.

So yeah, this is gross to me. And my D hurt me enough that I still have a lot of pain when I read the point of view from an attitude like this. Someday that might go away and it won't be tender anymore. Maybe I'm always sensitive there, which makes sense as it warns me to be careful not to allow people like that in my life. Either way I'm ok once I spew it out, so I wanted to spew it out both so I am unencumbered today, and also so you know I know how you feel (well, if you feel exactly like I feel ).

Keep posting once in a while, thanks IH!

[Thornton]

Hey Buddy,

That's a hell of an update.

Just goes to show you are still on her mind. It sounds like she is using OM as a band aid. Clearly, she's not over you, so she is in no state of mind to be dating right now IMO.

Sorry to hear about all the obstacles lately, I feel for you.

Keep posting, my friend. It's nice to hear from you again.

[ItHurts]

Thanks fellas. Yeah the good thing is I am in control. I don't need her in my life...I just want her in my life but there is no way in hell I'll let her know that. We only need things we need...things we just want we can live without. So I don't care if another year goes by. She's obviously watching me somehow otherwise she wouldn't know of my "cute girlfriends" that she mentions. So I'm kind of not worried about it either way. I'm so used to her not being around that I don't dread daily life anymore.

I will say I do still believe that one day she is going to want to come back...and at that time she's going to have A LOT of work to do proving herself worthy of me...that is if I'm not happily involved with someone new by then.

I basically just want to relay to her that there are NO TIES between us at all anymore. We never had kids...so there's really no reason for her to be involved in my life's events. Sure deaths are one thing, but she is always saying how I'm on her mind a lot and that she thinks of me often. Well my stance on that is simply STOP! You walked out and divorced me nearly two years ago!!! If you are STILL thinking about your ex-husband two years later...you have serious issues. I never contact her at all...it's always her that contacts me. She still had my last me which I also don't get since there's no kids involved. So it's clear to me she still struggles with her emotions for me and I agree with Thornton...she's not over me yet. In fact it shocks me because even though I was the dumpee, I truly think I am getting along better without her. I don't need to text her periodically as she does me. I don't get reports from mutual friends about her "cute boyfriends" because I don't care. Whomever she is with is not as good as me. Yet she knows all about my life's goings on and I find that strange nearly two years later.

So my sense is she is still not at peace with our divorce in spite of her claims to the contrary. She has had every opportunity to leave me alone...I certainly never contact her yet every now and again, sure enough, I have an incoming text from her. There's no ties and no reason for it. She should've been gone by now as far as contacting me goes. I don't bother her, so she needn't bother with me either.

[ItHurts]

Hey guys,
I want to add a little clarity to my update posts above...

I was just thinking about my updates above and I guess I'm at a point that I can sum up how I feel about WAW, and sadly it's somewhat self-centered but I'm pretty much in a place where I would like to bluntly say this to her...

Look, I am not at all interested in being your friend. The only involvement in my life I want from you is possible reconciliation. Anything short of that, do not contact me and leave me alone. So unless you want to try again, erase me from your life completely and just leave me alone...don't text me and don't monitor my life. It's reconciliation talk or no talk whatsoever at all.

That's pretty much how I feel at this point. If she's not interested in reconciliation possibilities, then she needs to completely erase me from her mind and leave me alone. I have no other interest in anything she has to say except for that. It sounds awful and selfish but it's just how I feel.

[Zues126]

That's not selfish, that's boundaries. You have to protect yourself or you will be taken advantage of and wounded. You don't have to be rude about it, just don't engage.

At some point you can even let go of the R thoughts. I'm not saying to rule it out as a possibility, but I'd recommend getting to the point where you no longer desire R, and if the possibility came up it would be a novel idea that you'd have to look into. That is the last stage. Maybe you're there. But that's a good spot to be.

[Zues126]

For me I realize that I'm an all or nothing person. If I can't have a partner I can count on then I'm not interested. XW proved I can't count on her. Why would I be interested again? If she becomes a different person and approached me citing lessons she learned, etc, hey, I guess I'd review the situation based on where we were at at the time, I'm not here to slam doors shut, but I am not interested in going through this crap ever again so it would take some convincing for me to consider R.