Thread #2: MLC = my last chance http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2511632&page=1 Thread #3: MLC = Reality is my middle name http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641259&page=1 Hello all, I have been reading and responding to others on the board yet it has been awhile since I have posted on my own. Feeling like I had nothing much to contribute and skirting dangerously close to becoming depressed. I apologize in advance for my rambling stream of incoherence. It will be 2 years this summer since H walked away from his life and literally into the desert. At first I worried for him but now I am frightened of him. Found out he is wearing matching wedding rings and participating as a greeter in a church with OW. Fairly sure that this other Christian religion frowns on bigamy as well as us Catholics. Not sure if they are just playing with jewelry or had a ceremony. Not wanting to open that can of worms because we still need his financial support. I also don’t want my children to have to deal with this as he does not contact them. Finally I am not responsible for his crazy. This was a huge shock and it was a huge nail in the coffin of compassion I have been lugging around. I used to think H was an extreme case of MLC . I am in shock that his betrayal continues when he could either file for divorce or simply live with OW. Perhaps he thinks he is being noble by keeping me on his health insurance? I doubt he thinks of me at all. Just amazed at the disrespect he has for every relationship in his life. He has daughters and if a man ever acted this way towards them he would have been livid. He would have called the police. Also does OW realize he is still married? If she does then what does that say about her? This was a person who came to our home and knew our children. I took her and others out for Holiday lunch. I could drone on but it doesn’t change anything. I am just feeling emotionally drained and off kilter. I sound so pitiful. When those rose colored glasses fell off I was forced to see that I was living an illusion it shattered me. Someone I thought was loving is a monster who devalued and discarded all of us like yesterday’s news. If it was the marriage wouldn’t he be out of hiding by now and act like a father? Most parents just don’t treat their children this way when they leave a marriage. I will never get the closure of the honesty I am seeking. My girls are growing up and they are thriving. I am proud of them. I have been far from perfect but I have been honest and fairly neutral. A few times I have over-shared my emotions but I also apologized and explained to them that given their ages I’d rather be guilty of too much honesty than too much distance. They have been patient and I have kept faith and laughter front and center in our home. I am fairly positive but I still cry in the shower some days. Is that normal? Youngest D is getting ready to graduate from HS in a few months. She was accepted to several highly competitive schools and received generous aid and scholarship packages. Oldest is thriving at her university and is a leader on campus. She’s a little over halfway towards her degree. In the end they both refused to let their father’s behavior diminish them. We don’t discuss him much and he is referred to as if he was a relative that stayed in our home over the years. Perhaps we are compartmentalizing him too much but at least I am not speaking ill of him and they are not bashing him either. They just aren’t going to invest in a person who is not investing in himself or his family. If they knew about the rings they’d probably not be able to forgive him. He keeps burning bridges and while we don’t focus on the past I know he is going to make any future contact so improbable that the chances of redemption with his children are remote. In the end that is his issue to resolve with them. I actually quit my job. Things are calmer now and I want to move forward with more intention. The clinic I worked for was “morally ambiguous” and treated employees like furniture. As time went on I witnessed a lot of things and was put into some difficult ethical positions. I came to see that it was a not going to lead to any sort of career path and one day when faced with yet another sensitive situation and an unethical manager I quit on the spot. It was empowering and yes impulsive. Still don’t regret it as it was not a job that made me feel proud in any way. I have references and the odds are in my favor I can find something more in line with my needs. I will take a few months to regroup and reconnect with myself. I want to enjoy D’s graduation without all the anxiety and the awful commute. Financially things are settled and I can meet expenses for a while. Replacing the income is not insurmountable because I didn’t make much. The job toughened me up. It was like a boot camp for the newly separated. I am content knowing it served a purpose. I am proud for deciding not to waste time on any dead end roads and to stay true to my moral compass. For the first time in my life I made a decision putting my needs first and the world did not end. It was a big step and it felt empowering. Unfortunately this latest revelation with the wedding bands has me doubting my perception of reality and my inner voice all over again. Most days are good and I am working hard to regain my trust in myself. I am working on my list of duties and trying to honor a few dreams as well. I am excited to be taking the girls on their first trip to Europe to see friends this summer. I love to travel and it has been so many years since I have been abroad. I sold my wedding china, crystal and silver to pay for the trip. I am a bit nervous but I am going anyway. H’s indifference has had a profound effect on how I view myself. I imagine many of us LBS share that struggle.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
