Baby steps

[Painter]

It seems like it's been a really quiet weekend here? Hopefully that means everyone is out GALlivanting!

I went to church today and had a lovely time, but it was tough, too, knowing how much I will miss it and the people there.

I'm not doing very well with DB'ing. I suppose I should make more of an effort, although it feels moot and I am really down and sad right now.

For the most part I'm nice and we cooperate well about household issues. I made H laugh a lot today and yesterday, but towards the evening it gets harder to keep the facade up. Something about the dark has always triggered anxiety for me. I guess with the night, there's no hope that anything will change for the better today.

I know I say things that make him feel guilty, and that is of course not very attractive. I'm not moping, but some of my anger and bitterness comes through at times. I tell myself they are truth darts, but maybe not...
I also tell him that I feel that this entire thing is surreal, especially because we get along fine 75% of the time.

He just repeats that he's not able to know what he feels with me here. He wants space. He is sad that I am moving out, but still wants me to (for some reason, that almost makes it worse).

What also makes it harder for me, is that this is not my country. I am fortunate to have my son here, but he is all I have.

Tomorrow, H will find out if he gets laid off (we don't think so, but these situations are unpredictable), and we are also taking our old dog to be put down this week. It's a very high level of stress for us both.

I wish for us all here that we wouldn't have to go through any of this. Not a single one of us have deserved this.