(Terry Jones): I think she's dead.

[LoisB]

I know. It's so painful. He's been chronically using for decades and hasn't hit bottom... even with the additional alcohol abuse and losing his family. Literally. How long will it take her to get honest?

It's like watching Matt all over again. Only, this time, Cal is trying to ally herself with him in order to justify her own lifestyle. And, she is behaving in her addiction, like he did. But, she didn't start as early as he did, age 12, and I've made sure she had some severe consequences when she used... jail, car taken, no mama coming to the rescue, kicking her out in NY when she refused A.A. and/or counseling. She has some A.A. under her belt and the seed was planted.

I'm also not nearly as codependent with her as with her dad, so it's healthier in terms of my stepping back and allowing her to feel the hard stuff without my cushioning the pain.

I guess, if I'm going to look at the good side of things... Cal is a reminder to me of how Matt's addiction played a role in all of this insanity. Her behavior is so similar and feels like a flashback into conversations and frustrations I had for decades with his drug and alcohol use... And, how fruitless it was trying to convince someone to stop something they were so invested in continuing.

Also, I've been reminded of how miserable and demanding and crazee his family is. And, how much I wanted out of that insanity.

I said to Cal the other day... When she sent me, yet another lecture on the benefits of regular marijuana use... I told her that she can do what she pleases, but I have decades of experience that won't sway my opinion... I had to listen to the daily bronchial coughing of her dad. I held his hand the countless times he tried to stop smoking and dealt with his anger and mood swings whenever he tried to give it up... I talked to him about his marijuana use last summer when he realized he could quit and possibly save his family before heading to the final divorce hearing... And, yet, he still couldn't quit. In my eyes, that spells addiction.

She responded. "I understand more than you will ever know."

How sad. But, still she following the same path.

So stubborn. So much like her dad. And, again, using to try to re-establish a connection to someone who treated her so badly. Kills me.