Hi Rick!I spit out my coffee when I finally got the horse joke:)Applying for a job that is more convienient to you and a very good and necessary selfishness. Selfishness is a healthy thing, as long as you aren't hurting others consistently. I wish you luck in getting the job. I know all you commute and the toll it can take on you. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed!
I do really see how us LBS do more for others. For me, it was something leftover from childhood, trying to get my mom to love me and blah, blah, blah. I carried it into ex when my life was falling apart, and the thought of losing him as horrible as he treated me, was too much to bear, so I sacrificed myself and my dignity to keep him there, because then I would have no one.
I did that in a few half R's post D. It became an awful disrespectful habit to myself. The funny thing is, a part of the reason I didn't let it happen this time, was because I really did love this one. And if we were really going to have a future, it had to be based on him actually wanting one with me, not because I was so darned accommodating and nice that he would "feel bad" letting me go. I also know, like you said, staying with him being so unsure and confused and going hot and cold would have not been good for the little one. She was already so attached after a short period of time. She brings up some memories occasionaly now, but I sat on this toy he bought her by accident that laughs when you press it and I made a joke that I was "laughing my a$$ off" (I thought it was funny) and she got upset, grabbed it and said " this is very special to me" It was like a tie to him she was still holding onto to. I couldn't let them get any closer without knowing we had a future.
So, just a journal, because my feelings are a mess. I did a little better after talking with a mutual friend and going to IC. This weekend has been rough and full of tears. I'ts me myself and I this weekend, which I initially looked forward to some time to myself. My best friend came over Friday night and we hung out and laughed and drank some wine and ordered some pizza. Much needed. She said she was proud of me for not reaching out, but most people seem surprised he hasn't reached out to me. I told him not to, but some of my friends still had the hope he would realized he lost something great, and want to get it back. Well, that isn't happened. I struggle with that right now. Was everything a lie? I wish people could I am realizing they were just words, because he ran for the hills when it came time to give and grow our R. So I am struggling with what was true and what wasn't.
Being alone, I am generally ok with. It is a reality of my life. All my weekends aren't that happy family time most people my age with kids my age have. I can spend a weekend completely alone from time to time. It just gave me too much time to think this weekend. I did go to the mall and buy myself a pair of red high heels:)I took a free yoga class taught by a new instructor at my studio, and I went to get some of my favorite Syrian food take out. I live. But my heart is heavy as can be. Today is school work and a little more shopping and making a nice homemade dinner for myself. But again, my stupid heart is heavy.
I am DBing again, I realize. Crap, Much better at it this time, though. I want so badly to reach out and tell him I am sad and angry and let him know I feel. But I know it won't make me feel any better. Probably more upset because nothing will change. So I stay silent, except for some pics I sent his from our vacy last night. Only of him and his D, and some sunsets, nothing else. I sent the ones with all of us right after vacay.
