Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Thank you, IM, for the well wishes and support.

Your STBXW showed remorse and regret? My H keeps telling me he's sorry. When he was spending so much time with his ladyfriend and I would get emotional and call him on it, he would apologize and be very lovey to me...and then do it again. My D25 brought this up yesterday when she was visiting.

She is a newlywed. This is affecting her very new relationship with her husband. She says she looks at him and feels so much love for him, but then remembers how much in love H and I were. Everyone who knew us would comment on how we were such good friends, partners, and so loving even a few years ago. She said she was happy and secure knowing that her parents had such a great relationship. It scares her that things can turn without real warning.

I had to explain that depression had been there for years; she said she knew, but he always seemed to snap out of it. Be the crazy, fun, life of the party or go back to hugging and holding us all. I had to tell her; that was a mask. It takes a lot of energy to put that mask on. But I slept in the same bed (not so much for the past few years) and knew he woke up from nightmares. When I asked him to tell me what scared him, they were almost always about us loved ones either leaving him or being threatened by danger and him not being able to save us. His fear of abandonment and overwhelming sense of responsibility/fear of not being able to protect us were weighing on him heavily. At night when his mask was off.

He still cares and he is still fighting to not feel responsible, but he does. He still tries to do things for us, control us, "save us from ourselves". He acts detached at other times. By pushing us away I think he is lonely and has been reaching out more on non work days, when he is not throwing himself into his work.I haven't been great at DBing and often bring up R. A different tact each time. I'm trying to fight my impatience. But sometimes I think it gives him something to consider while he is alone.

All I can do at this point is try to understand what he is going through while making my own plans for my new single life. I have told my daughter, at least she has a career. Make a life that is separate from your husband so you don't become co-dependent. But love and understand your H. Make sure you are communicating.

I will try to be the lighthouse. I hope my H makes it through the tunnel. H was a great guy. He's still in there somewhere...I've seen him peeking out.