checking in after a while, and very sad to see Broke's update...
Sandi - huge hugs - I finished ready Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and I don't think I've ever felt so much reading a book; full gamut of emotions. So much resonated that clinically or not, I'm sure I've got many of those negative traits that I want to change. The book spoke to me about the pain, and really shook me with making me feel I can forgive myself - I was doing the best I could all those years, and all I can do is try to improve; no need to blame or feel guilty anymore, that its OK... I'm tearing up writing this now... thanks for the book recommendation, and its already helping me better understand what detaching could mean for me, and that its OK to "be selfish" and take care of my self - that will really allow me to do what I want when I want to help the others I care about in my life in a healthy way for all...
I feel that some of the closest people around me are confused by my starting to talk more about how I feel, and what I want and need, after all those years of talking about what I should be doing or what others need me to do... makes me smile to think of them confused, though supportive, of this change in me...
Its sad that its required this real kick in the balls to get me to spend the time that's allowing me to see this issue in me. At least I can now spend time improving that, and I believe it should help make my life better especially in having healthier relationships. I'm also hoping it will help me with my kids so they are able to have better life...
Maybe related, I had a good MC session with my WAW. The counselor asked us for an update, and since I've been traveling a lot for work lately, my W made a bit of a snide comment about "all good since he's not around". The counselor challenged me to react to that, and get out how it made me feel. It was awkward, though I managed to express that I didn't like the tone without getting angry or defensive or such. I did feel good that I've gotten to a better place that I'm able to both understand and express my feelings, and to not let my fight or flight reaction to statements get in the way of how I respond.
Near the end of the session, my W did say that, even though she's still skeptical of the changes she's seeing in me ("too good to be true" / "too much baggage still in the way"), that she feels that we're interacting in a better way such that she's not actively thinking of wanting me out of the house / getting separated. Now she also made clear that we are a long ways away from anything romantic, i.e. any physical contact. I'm OK with that for now as I still believe having us together as a family is really important especially for our kids, and I still do love this woman when she's not acting like her evil alien twin :-)
Minor victory lap, and then back to a whole lot more DBing... At least this greater sense of detachment is giving me a new perspective to tease apart some of my life choices and relationship patterns to see if there are better options that I want. Very odd to be thinking this way though I feel like there is much to be gained...
This whole experience really is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my whole life. Its not just the sadness and emotional pain of feeling I'm losing someone I love, its flipping my whole life upside down and shaking it hard to see what else falls out that I do not like. Thinking about my feelings; thinking about what I want - these are very foreign behaviors for me, though I'm starting to enjoy doing it without feeling guilty. Thinking hard about lessons learned that I can impart to my kids so that hopefully they won't have to have their lives upended in this way. Its all very scary, and I don't like admitting to fear. That said, I'm optimistic that its all going in a better direction though I do not know what, or who, will be down that new path...
I'll try to keep posting as I know that I appreciate the insight others offer, how helpful reading others stories are in my understanding my own journey, and that it helps me process my thoughts by the act of writing them.
Think I'll have to change my nickname to BigPost at this rate ;-)
Everyone stay strong, and keep with the program, there's hope for a better tomorrow even if you can't feel it today...
