I am content, that is a blessing.......

[mleigh4]

Hi Job, thank you for the reminder to begin a new thread. I am very much enjoying my weekend, I hope you are too. I had a busy morning doing some things around the house, but ready now to couch it for the rest of the night. I am invited to a dinner party tonight, but my body says no, it needs rest. Tomorrow morning I need to go into work to finish closing up a project file, then run some errands before picking up S. So now is the time to rest.

Irish, funny how the MIL's don't seem to realize their part in their children's depression. Or, could it be they just can't face it? That is my belief with my MIL, and my fear that H is the same in relation to his own issues. I really worry he will not be able to really look inside, but time will tell.

H came to pick up S today. We have not spoken since the missed counseling appt. He started by sending a pic of the traffic on the freeway, which had him stressed out. I replied to take the back roads with the locals, that it is a few minutes longer, but stress free. He replied, knowing he has to deal with driving 40 mph and stop signs stresses him out. Lol, I can't win. When he got here, he made a remark to me that I used to get stressed out when I used to commute and don't act like it's no big deal. He didn't say it mean, he said it jokingly. I looked at him surprised and assured him I didn't mean it to sound that way, only that I hate the freeway and take back roads whenever I can. He said, oh, ok.

Sensitive much?

Anyway, he sealed up the window for me, double checked the smoke alarms I told him I checked at the time change, fixed the sensor lights in the front, and hooked me up a digital antenna I mentioned I wanted to see if I can get local channels. He was very helpful. We chatted while he was sealing the window, I asked him about work, I realized I really miss these times....

I told him how my county manager, who I have worked with for 20 years, just got promoted to manage the state of Hawaii, and she told me an EO position is waiting for me. H immediately said, you can't move to Hawaii. I said no, not right now, but it's definitely something I would be open to once S finished school! Aloha!!

We also talked taxes. I input almost everything, and thank goodness H was true to his word, and adjusted his withholding, and it is looking like we will break very close to even. I also felt the need to respond to his remark a few weeks ago, about me not wanting to pay money due on taxes, but enjoying the huge refunds thanks to him. I said, I just want to remind you that at one time, I was making loads of money (when the rates first dropped, early 2000's), and I showered you with trips to Cancun, Vegas, NASCAR races, and I never once pointed out who's money paid for it. He asked when he did that. I told him what he said. He said, I said that? I said yes. He said, sorry, I don't remember and don't feel that way. (Something like that)

So, I felt better. For some reason, it just irks me, the blown up head he has gotten with his new position. But I need to let that go. This is what he needs to feel good about himself right now, since having a family didn't do that for him. His loss.

I saw a quote the other day....I am content, that is a blessing greater than riches; and he to whom that is given need ask no more.

So overall, I enjoyed H company today and was glad to have him here a bit fixing things up.

Oh, his birthday is in two weeks. He is leaving the day before for his business trip. Which, by the way, he used our joint credit card to get his plane tickets, so I can see it?? But, I can see it is to MN and not Cancun or something, so it must really be business and not a romantic rendezvous. So, he said he was planning on dinner the weekend before he goes with his dad (they share the same Bday) and S. I said absolutely! Then he said some friends want to take him out, but he has S that night, would I be open to take S? I told him sure. He then quickly said but I'm not sure I even want to do that, but just in case. Ok. I have not offered anything for his Bday. I don't really see a point. Although, he was very nice to me on mine last year, brought me flowers and wine, I am a little stumped about what to do.

Hope all are well

[mleigh4]

I forgot to mention, Hawho, that I validated S for how well he is doing helping me out around the house, in front of H. S got a huge smile, and H told him, good job bud.

But, I realize, I missed the opportunity to validate H in front of S about helping around the house today! Next time for sure.

Also, when H was talking to me about work, he explained that the problem he was fixing was the reason he missed our counseling appt. He told me, again, he really didn't mean to miss it. I just said ok, I didn't know what else to say? But I made sure to keep my expression very neutral. Of course, family should come first, but I know that is not his priority right now.

Ok, just wanted to share, time for a movie!

[job]

Previous Thread:

Still moving in a new direction

[job]

MIL's and FIL's do not see the errors of their ways in raising children because more than likely they were raised that way themselves. The way that your MIL handled your son's grades was unemotional. She didn't validate what your son accomplished in school. You, his mother, where elated w/his grades and you let him know that you were proud of him. I can see where your h wasn't validated/recognized for his efforts and the only time she gave him the love and attention he needed was when she complained about what he wasn't doing right in her eyes. To her, that was her love language, i.e., to complain.

I'm glad your h came over and helped you out for a while. Definitely be sure to tell him how much you appreciated it. In fact, a nice text today to thank him would go a long way and then again in front of your son. This way they both get to see what recognition is like. I know you praised your son in front of your h, but it also will be good for your son to see Dad get some praise too. By doing this, it may alleviate some of the tension and resentment on your h's side of things w/his son.

I'm also glad to hear that the taxes are going to break even this year for you and your family. Every little bit helps when it comes to tax time.

So, what are you and your son going to give H for his birthday? I'm sure you will think of something really nice that he can enjoy.

Enjoy your Sunday!

[2Times2Many]

It really does amaze me sometimes how they forget what they said in the past. When my h says something like "Why don't you do so and so anymore?" I'll reply that he told me he never wanted me to do that or wear that or cook that or whatever again, so I don't. He'll look at me in complete surprise and ask, "When did I say that?"

I agree with Job. MIL's and FIL's don't see the error of their ways and in some instances they just keep on doing the same harmful things they've always done. The sad part is you and I and and the kids and everyone else in a similar sitch pay the price for their failings.

Hope you have a great Sunday. Sounds like it will be a lot like mine.

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - that's a nice response from your h when you validated your son! It cracks me up how your h is still the property manager!! It's very sweet. He's reconnected with the house--LOL!!

When you validate your h in front of your s, don't be surprised if your h doesn't seem to react to it. I think sometimes they don't know how to take it? And be forewarned, sometimes they can even be cranky over it. This morning my h was going to take S12 to pick up some items for his school project. And I thought: great--something to validate! So I said: "hey, thanks for taking him to pick that stuff up!" His response (super cranky and with a nasty expression): "why wouldn't I? He's my son." I just walked on by. I was praising him not criticizing his parenting so his read was interesting. Clearly he doesn't realize that he was MIA for quite some time.

Anyway, just saying if your h takes it the wrong way or seems uncomfortable, don't be surprised. But your guy is a nice MLCer, so you may not have this issue.

This one would be super interesting: validating your h in front of your MIL!!!

[mleigh4]

Thank you Job, 2times and HW. It's crazy to think I thought H family had it so together. Now, with my eyes wide open, it's all becoming so clear. It angers me and saddens me at the same time, but I can't change them or the past. I can however make a difference moving forward. Another new goal for me is to be much more aware and verbal about praise.

We were the picture perfect example of therapy at work today! Lol. I picked up S from H. While we were standing all together, I told H, thank you again for your help around the house yesterday. H said, your welcome. I said S, can you thank daddy too? S made a scrunched up face. H said, oh, it's ok. I said, S, can you thank daddy? (With my tone) S said thank you daddy. H said, oh, you're welcome bud. And thank you for helping me around my house today. We agreed together, S has been doing really good with that.

So, validation all around!

[job]

I like the way you handled all of the validation yesterday. Each of them received validation, not only from you, but each other. How cool is that?

I think you may have to teach not only your son about validation, but your h as well. I don't think he got much of that growing up and as the "mom" to him for now, you may have to step in and teach him how it's done.

Good work yesterday!

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. I do want to make sure my son learns how to acknowledge good deeds. It will be interesting to see if I can make a difference with them by pointing things out. It's a little "cheesy" at the time, but worth it I believe.

I am starting to wonder if I am having a little depression dip. I know I have not been feeling well, and my 46 year old hormones feel a little whacky, but I am second guessing it's just that. I am just craving solitude lately, over a couple of weeks now, feeling a bit down and totally exhausted...we will see if that changes once I feel better.

Dropped off S with H tonight. They went in the house, and I stayed parked to talk to my friend who I was meeting up with for a quick glass of wine. As I was finishing up the call, H came back out to my truck. I opened up my door and he said he wanted to show me some pics. They were of S, using a weed whacker in his field of weeds, with FIL watching in the background. I thought, oh joy, what fun! I am sure they ganged up on him to do it, but I just laughed and said it would take a month to make a dent in these weeds with that! He said, he just wanted to do that area, in other areas he sprayed some weed killer that is supposed to last a year....

Ugh, a R talk was on the TIP of my tongue! I held back, but asked him, do you plan on buying this place?? He looked shocked, said no, it's not for sale! Mr. Logical answer. It just got quiet. I shut my mouth, H said nothing...but I swear guys, I think he wanted to say something? Or wanted me to say something? I don't know, it was just a long silence with both of us looking far off in the distance...I just wondered, why come back out to show me those pictures? I felt like it was for another reason....

I waited, then finally said, ok, well, have a good night. And left.

[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, I’ve been following, but just didn’t have time to post… You’ve been doing great with these validations… I think it is great! It is definitely going to be beneficial for your son, as he learns how to be appreciative of people.

I love your question to H about the buying the place… I guess you have that patience shovel handy, don’t you… I think you question should give your H something to think about…