Ojap's Story #2

[Ojap]

First off...apologies. I've been pretty busy w/ work, MR stuff, kids. I haven't had a chance to check up on everyone's situations. Hope all are well!

Updates:

Well...the rollercoaster continues. We have a couple of 'good' days. Good conversations. Good times w/ the girls. My job offer in Real Estate shook her stability too much. We had a good talk about it with MC. I agreed to shelve it for now and try to find something with predictable income, etc.

Then...the roller coaster engages. As I mentioned in a previous post...at times, when we are both a glass of wine or two in...she may initiate sex. I have done so once...but I was a bit more tipsy than I have been...probably ever (not a heavy drinker at all). So...a few days ago...we've had just enough to drink to spill over into that area where you can speak your mind, without a lot of inhibitions.

She tells me something like this (paraphrased):

You know, I really want this (sex), but I don't want it. I STILL want to be alone. I still want to separate, and I don't want to string you along. This has to be just physiological release. I still don't know how to let you back in. And I see all the improvements you've made. You are SO good with our girls...so much better than before. You have given me all the space I have asked for. You are even excited about a new career...you are 'finding yourself'. And all that just makes me more resentful of you. You have made all this progress and I am still right where I was when this started! I'm having to take medicines not to feel, etc. I think I will resent you even more if I don't separate and take this time to figure out who I am and what I want. I don't even know what my favorite color is! One of the girls asked me while trying on clothes at a store the other day...I could tell you what each of our family member's fav color is...but I don't even know my own! I'm lost and I don't think I see a future for us. I just can't.


So...that sucked. I validated her (both at that moment and the next day) when she wanted to clarify her statements. Her clarifications weren't that. She pretty much said exactly what she thought.

I desperately want to keep my family together. Because of the love I have for my wife, and because of damage a separation will cause for my 3 girls.

BUT...sometimes I get so weary. Because of all the positive stuff over 2-3 weeks...my hopes were up. I still did my best to DB during that time, and GAL...but she was active in our talks, family stuff, etc.

NOW...i wonder if I should just help her initiate the separation? I did respond to her during our talk that..."I think you are just working up the courage to actually do a physical separation". To which she just looked at me...said nothing. No denial, no agreement. MC has said as much. She can't bear to be the one to be 'at fault' for our separation. In the eyes of our girls, and in her own. I want to help her SO much...maybe I should acquiesce?

Any thoughts/guidance is appreciated. I'll try to get on in a bit and catch up w/ everyone's story. She is off to go watch her fav team w/ some people from her work...who I don't even know. (I know that shouldn't bother me, if I'm detached, but apparently I'm not nearly as detached as I was a few weeks ago.