It's over...no more need to DB

[broke]

I want to thank everyone for your supportive posts over the last two days. Finding out about the serial cheating was definitely a huge blow. As I work through the anger and sorrow, as TxHubby put it, it is incredibly freeing to know that I have no desire to ever reconcile with my husband again.

This is a very tough thing to discover - especially with a long M like yours. I can see that it must make the many happy times seem like a lie

This is what I am struggling with now: that my entire 20-year marriage was a lie. And, how was I so stupid that I didn't see it? It started the year after we were married. I had one clue 6 years ago and my H had a plausible explanation. I bought it hook. line and sinker. I feel like a fool and that I wasted more than half my life with him. The betrayal is beyond anything I could've ever imagined. And, I almost feel sorry for the OW now because she has no idea what is coming….because H won't stop. He's been getting away with it for 20 years - why would he?

I feel like I have no business posting on anyone's else's threads now because I obviously have no idea what I am talking about with regards to marriage (since mine has based on nothing but deceit). However, I did want to give an update:

- Thursday, I found out from H's bff that my H was a serial cheater (He just found out that day and called me an hour after he found out). He called me because he knew my H was stringing me along and thought he could get me back whenever he wanted.

- the bff got a call from my H in which the bff told my H that "he was dead to him and to never contact him again". He never told my H that I know what he has done.

- Friday I received 6-8 emails from my H. More communication in that one day than any other day the last 8 months. In them he never specifically asked about reconciling but he suggested a family vacation this summer, thanked me for being pleasant the last two months and that I was a great mom. Obviously, he is now worried that I know he is vile human being and wants to make sure I am still pining away for him. I only answered direct questions about the kids which means I only responded to one of the emails. I ignored the rest. I didn't let him know I knew about his betrayal.

My point being: All the vets on here know what they are talking about. My H knows that I have truly detached (without me even saying a word). He finally realizes that I am done - I have dropped the rope and will never pick it up again. I know it is really hard when you love so one that much to truly stop faking the detaching and to do it for yourself. But, it works. I saw it yesterday.

So, now, I focus on my boys. Try to be as strong a role model as possible. I am absolutely petrified that they will follow the same path as my H. If anyone has any advice on how to help them (especially those with parents who did cheat), I am open? My IC sent me three book suggestions, I am meeting with the kids' counselor on Monday and I have only told my family and 2 best friends about the serial cheating (I hope my boys never have to know anything about any of this except the latest PA).

And, as much as I would like to drag my H through the mud and make him pay for everything he has done, that isn't who I am. With the exception of the three weeks after I found out about the PA, I have handled myself with integrity (even those 3 weeks I never said anything to the kids about their H - just said a lot of choice words to H). I don't really have the vindictive gene. Would I like him to feel the pain he has inflicted on my sons and I someday? Yes - but, I think the only way that happens is if I live a happy and fulfilled life. And, the way that happens for me is to be able to know I tried everything I could to be a loving wife, tired to save a marriage that I didn't know was not worth saving and know that I continued to take the high road during the divorce process. Because I have to co-parent with him and my kids need to see that I handled myself with dignity when their father is as despicable as they come.

It is a little difficult for me right now to read your stories and threads right now because I am heartbroken that my M is not savable. But, I promise I will very soon. Please know that I am still thinking of all of you and I am praying (although I will admit I am having a small crisis with my faith currently). Also know that I know that I am strong. DB'ing for the last 6 weeks has really helped me - I am not sure that I would be able to not tell my H that I know about the serial cheating if it wasn't for me trying to be the best me I could. So, keep doing it. It does work - it is going to help me get through this. And, I know I will - I will get through this and I will be stronger than ever as long as my boys are healthy and happy.