Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Thanks for stopping by, job. I'm doing ok.

I woke up from a strange dream very early this morning. I was at my home talking to my mother and we were looking at the view out the window. It is normally a view of a large field with a big red barn, surrounded by trees with foothills and then mountains beyond. Very relaxing. But in the dream it kept changing and I felt uneasy as I sensed something was off. Then I realized someone had created a fence across my field, not far from my back door, then cattle feeders appeared, then cattle, then I could see children running around and men working. I was trying to confront the (very nice) people as they were then building a large house right across from my back door. They also had long tables set up to feed the work crews and there was dancing and live music...like the wedding this summer in the back yard or like the get togethers at the river house. I kept thinking, "you're blocking my view of the water (there was now a body of water, much like our vacation house)" and no one will buy my house now. I felt despair...sad that I had no control over the situation and was helpless, while everyone was having such a great time enjoying what they had built together. Then I woke up.

I was thinking of skiing today, but D25 decided to come over at 11, so I'm not.

Unexpectedly, H called to see if I was going skiing. This from the guy who didn't respond to my text telling him about some house business and who didn't acknowledge our anniversary even with a "Happy St. Patricks Day" (to be fair, that's just my pity party...I didn't send him anything either...nothing to celebrate). He ended up talking to me all the way up to the ski hill. We did talk as friends, but I also let him know how I felt that we needed to decide most of what we wanted outside of mediation so that the L (his L)didn't cost him an arm and a leg. He agreed with me that what took us 2 1/2 hours in separate rooms of mediation should have taken about an hour together face to face (he corrected me and said 1/2 an hour). We agreed that we would make the time to do this.
I admitted that I was a little jealous that he got to ski today...it is beautiful out. He mentioned waxing my skis for me. I said I wasn't his concern and would figure things out for myself. I'm not sure if I should be that way, though. On the one hand, I feel I am letting him know that I don't need him (especially since he has stated he doesn't need me). But is this DBing? His LL is Act of Service...and I've always kind of done things for myself. 180 for me is to show him I DO need him?

I didn't even say thank you for the offer. I do have some issues with giving him mixed signals myself. I try to listen and validate and be cheerful much of the time, but when he offers to do things for me I get mad. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel I need/want him emotionally, but he's not willing to give that. But he seems to want me to depend on him for what he used to do for me as just perks of being his friend? He calls and talks to frends, he waxes his friends' skis, he helps friends move, he makes drinks for friends. I don't want to just be a friend. We were married for a long time and he has hurt me to my core. It shows, as I get very clipped with him as I did with him offering his help. Consistency is apparently not my strong suit, though. It takes an hour to get to the ski hill, and we talked for about that long.

Sometimes I just miss him so much, miss our good dynamic, I just want to listen to his voice a talk for hours. I can forget the bad stuff when we talk. For a little bit.