It is going to be difficult knowing what to do about how to interact with her when we will only see each other at pickup and dropoff times. She has suggested we get together for joint activities with our D. I don't know how I feel about that. It is a chance to build a connection, but also a way to stay stuck standing.
IMHO, if the LBH was not abusive, unfaithful, or did something specifically to run his W away from the M, and this is all about "her" and what she wants (which she has made clear she doesn't want a M with the H), then he needs to drop the rope.
Two things, at least, will possibly result from DTR. He can detach better and adjust to a new chapter in his life that offers the time and freedom to do things that he hasn't done, due to family responsibilities. For the W, she will be excited at facing her "new life" and the idea of "starting out fresh", but it begans to fade when she sees it is not as glamourous as she had fantasized. The first time she needs something, the first time she's lonely, the first time she needs to vent about how hard things are, the first holiday or traditional family event, the first of many things........she will expect the good ole H to still be available to her moods and cater to her needs. This is an extremely important time for her to be hit with REALITY! She left her H and now he is not interested in her new life! He has let go.
For women who have been able to be the center of a man's life and then suddenly she sees that he is not interested in her.......and that she apparently has no effect on him......it touches her in a way I don't really know how to put into words. Don't confuse who I am talking about here. I am discussing a WAYWARD wife. She is SELFISH, and everything has been about HER. She has this idea that she can live the single life while still enjoying the benefits she had as the wife of her LBH. She thinks they will be BFF and they will still have special times with the kids (birthday, etc.). She thinks she should be able to text throughout the day or night, or call after bedtime and fill his ears with all her woes. No, she is confusing her old life with the new life. She wants both, but if the H is smart, he will show her that what she WANTS and what she GETS are not always the SAME.
I am very strong in believing a LBS should DTR with a WAYWARD. B/c the LBS does not have to show anger or even coldness, but showing disinterest is key..........at least for a WW. Don't confuse disinterest with coldness. Like many newcomers think detachment is acting cold or mad. It's like when you were dating and broke up with someone you didn't want date anymore. The last thing you wanted to do was show that you were interested in them, b/c they would misread that message as you still wanted to date them.
In your young dating years, lets say you wanted to go out with this pretty girl who has other guys chasing after her. However, you play Mr. Cool and you don't chase her, in fact, you don't let on that you are impressed or interested in her. You aren't rude, but you aren't paying her special attention. Guess which guy she will want to date? She will start trying to get his attention, flirting, etc. It appeals or challenges her. Of course, a certain amount of attraction has to be there or she won't be interested either.
Some may say this is completely irreverent to a situation with a WW. Well, let me explain it this way. She wants what she can't have. She has a sense of entitlement. So far, she is pretty much calling the shots in the MR, and she plans to continue. She is pretty confident that she has you, although she's fired you as her H. The first thing she needs to realize is that there is one person she can't manipulate any longer....and that is YOU. The day she moved out of the house should be when the rope drops (actually sooner, but definitely by then). She will be angry b/c she feels entitled and thinks you are suppose to do what she wants. When she finally sees her angry fits are not effective, she also sees that you aren't interested in being around her or having contact with her. She is shocked when it dawn on her that SHE has been DEMOTED in your rank of priorities. And then.......all the temp checks start. But that can wait for another post b/c this one is too long.
Before closing, let me stress that this is not the time to be her "friend" or to have family time with the kids. She gave that up, remember? Now, she needs to see how it works in the teal world of divorce. This is not out of spite or punishment, but it is you fighting for one last effort to influence her. (It's just a different style of fighting for the M). Not influencing her about how much you love her, or that you are still standing and fighting for the M, (b/c those things are a turnoff to a WW), but for her to see you as a man she let go, and to realize she can't have the best of both worlds.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
