Flight's Thread #2

[pinn]

Hey flight... it has been a while. Sorry to see things moving in this direction for you.

I only dealt with less than a month of an in house separation and found that once the actual physical separation occurred, things were actually better for me. I went NC for a while as you know. Turns out my WW's IC told her to go NC as well so we literally did not talk in anyway for months. She is warming up a bit lately though.

I guess what I am is saying is don't fear this. You will figure out the best path (ie NC vs loving from a distance). Since you have a daughter, there will always be some contact at least. Keep your head up.

[Flight]

She seems excited about finding a place, though they all sell before she can put down a deposit. Is this really the only option I have? Is this dropping the rope? Smiling, being detached, not caring what she does and letting her move out? As Sandi says, in-house separations mostly don't work. I have seen a few pretty hopeless situations turn around as the dynamic changes, but this seems pretty much end of the line. If nothing happens over the next 12 months that make it seem the ice is thawing, I guess I will start dating and close that door behind me. At least with her gone, I will probably be able to start healing.

It is going to be difficult knowing what to do about how to interact with her when we will only see each other at pickup and dropoff times. She has suggested we get together for joint activities with our D. I don't know how I feel about that. It is a chance to build a connection, but also a way to stay stuck standing.

[Flight]

I still don't know if I should be pleasant and try to build a connection or act like I have dropped her.

[Flight]

I think we are in a countdown until move out date. We interact obviously since we are still in the same house and still have a child, but it is clear I am just a roommate to her, an ex. Other than if we have a talk that goes into the R, she is the master of detachment. She acts like we never had an intimate relationship. So again, I don't know if I go basically NC, or still make small efforts at connecting when we are together. I know Sandi's advice in certain situations is to act like you are dropping them. I definitely know to not go to her for any conversations. I could tell when I was making up an excuse to talk to her. I know that doesn't work. But it seems talking about things like how she is doing or what her challenges are seems to make the wall come down and I see there is someone in there who actually has feelings.

[Flight]

It is interesting how seemingly overnight, you finally can detach when you couldn't for an entire year. I just don't care anymore. Or rather I care, but from a distance. I know the only hope at this point for any MR is to let her go and find out for herself whatever she is going to find out. Not sure if my thread is dead, I am pretty much talking to myself this month, but I could use some advice about how to handle the remaining time before she closes on a place and moves out.

[HopeRB]

Flight, I've been feeling that way lately too. When I wake up in the morning, I think to myself, this is my life now and I need to just accept it. Of course I will love him from a distance but yes, I've let him go to go on his own journey.

IMHO, I think you should continue to detach, do your 180s and love from a distance, and that may include a few runs of NC. I know its hard, I'm going through this now but we will get through this.

[Sotto]

Hi Flight, it is interesting that your W warms up to a chat when it is all about her! That's a common theme and I guess she just isn't interested in you and your life right now. Of course, that could change at some point.

For now, I would focus on getting through the move and keeping an attitude of - this isn't what I want, but I respect your choice. It will be interesting to see how she gets on once she does move out. Probably there will be some initial euphoria to have got out of a tough situation. However, the distance can start to cause some longing in some cases, but it does take time.

For you, I would make the most of the opportunities that separation brings and enjoy taking up some new activities and making new friends. My divorce group has been great and I have a new circle of newly single friends of both genders, with whom I do something at least once a week.

You may have minimal interaction, but you can make the most of that - wearing a sharp new shirt, dash of cologne, new shades. Generally looking like a guy who has a life and who the gals may well find attractive. That may get your W wondering a little...and break the thinking of 'dependable old Flight.'

Glad you have reached a certain level of detachment. Like all feelings, I find it comes in waves and I will sometimes feel more attached than others - but overall I'm way more detached than I was.

Good luck with everything my friend

[pinn]

Hi Flight,

Good for you interms of detachment. It is a great place to be. I feel like I am in a great spot now as well.

The separation in my case was for the better. I use the time to really work on myself while letting my WW experience exactly what life is like without me. I have seen changes in her lately. Interactions were very limited between us, especially for the first 4-5 months but it kept me in a pretty good mental state.

I wish I had some advice on how to handle the remaining time before she moves out. For me, that happened very quickly, within about 3 weeks of BD. I pretty much avoided her as much as I could during that time, ignored most of her calls. I remember how 'confused' she was right before she left but she still left anyway. I think the way I handled it made it easier when she did leave.

Sorry I missed your other posts, I do look out for your thread. Stay strong...

[excile101]

Hi Flight

I am in a similar sitch but I am the one having to move out so that my ex and kids can come home as she doesn't want to live with me and wants her home back with no stress of having to talk to me about the divorce or marriage.

I think feelings for some of these women can be switched on and off to suit. Sure, the long periods before a separation can build resentment and hurt for them. I think that if they have managed to detach then their is nothing you can do except allow them to suffer a loss. It may be a financial issue or that the kids get too much for them. Rarely is it a longing for their lost partner. I found that my W managed to erase every good memory of the marriage and focused only on justifying her exit and getting what she wants.

You cannot fight her or reason with her so however painful and crazy it all seems, you have to start rebuilding yourself. I don't believe in this going back to being the man she met idea, you have changed as a person in many ways since you met your W so it's time to look at a new, improved you.
I would advise to keep channels of communication open and listen to her selfish needs without speaking about yourself unless asked. You will find that she already knows or thinks she knows how you must be feeling and it's just a boring her now. I second Sotto...mix things up a bit.

[sandi2]

It is going to be difficult knowing what to do about how to interact with her when we will only see each other at pickup and dropoff times. She has suggested we get together for joint activities with our D. I don't know how I feel about that. It is a chance to build a connection, but also a way to stay stuck standing.

IMHO, if the LBH was not abusive, unfaithful, or did something specifically to run his W away from the M, and this is all about "her" and what she wants (which she has made clear she doesn't want a M with the H), then he needs to drop the rope.

Two things, at least, will possibly result from DTR. He can detach better and adjust to a new chapter in his life that offers the time and freedom to do things that he hasn't done, due to family responsibilities. For the W, she will be excited at facing her "new life" and the idea of "starting out fresh", but it begans to fade when she sees it is not as glamourous as she had fantasized. The first time she needs something, the first time she's lonely, the first time she needs to vent about how hard things are, the first holiday or traditional family event, the first of many things........she will expect the good ole H to still be available to her moods and cater to her needs. This is an extremely important time for her to be hit with REALITY! She left her H and now he is not interested in her new life! He has let go.

For women who have been able to be the center of a man's life and then suddenly she sees that he is not interested in her.......and that she apparently has no effect on him......it touches her in a way I don't really know how to put into words. Don't confuse who I am talking about here. I am discussing a WAYWARD wife. She is SELFISH, and everything has been about HER. She has this idea that she can live the single life while still enjoying the benefits she had as the wife of her LBH. She thinks they will be BFF and they will still have special times with the kids (birthday, etc.). She thinks she should be able to text throughout the day or night, or call after bedtime and fill his ears with all her woes. No, she is confusing her old life with the new life. She wants both, but if the H is smart, he will show her that what she WANTS and what she GETS are not always the SAME.

I am very strong in believing a LBS should DTR with a WAYWARD. B/c the LBS does not have to show anger or even coldness, but showing disinterest is key..........at least for a WW. Don't confuse disinterest with coldness. Like many newcomers think detachment is acting cold or mad. It's like when you were dating and broke up with someone you didn't want date anymore. The last thing you wanted to do was show that you were interested in them, b/c they would misread that message as you still wanted to date them.

In your young dating years, lets say you wanted to go out with this pretty girl who has other guys chasing after her. However, you play Mr. Cool and you don't chase her, in fact, you don't let on that you are impressed or interested in her. You aren't rude, but you aren't paying her special attention. Guess which guy she will want to date? She will start trying to get his attention, flirting, etc. It appeals or challenges her. Of course, a certain amount of attraction has to be there or she won't be interested either.

Some may say this is completely irreverent to a situation with a WW. Well, let me explain it this way. She wants what she can't have. She has a sense of entitlement. So far, she is pretty much calling the shots in the MR, and she plans to continue. She is pretty confident that she has you, although she's fired you as her H. The first thing she needs to realize is that there is one person she can't manipulate any longer....and that is YOU. The day she moved out of the house should be when the rope drops (actually sooner, but definitely by then). She will be angry b/c she feels entitled and thinks you are suppose to do what she wants. When she finally sees her angry fits are not effective, she also sees that you aren't interested in being around her or having contact with her. She is shocked when it dawn on her that SHE has been DEMOTED in your rank of priorities. And then.......all the temp checks start. But that can wait for another post b/c this one is too long.

Before closing, let me stress that this is not the time to be her "friend" or to have family time with the kids. She gave that up, remember? Now, she needs to see how it works in the teal world of divorce. This is not out of spite or punishment, but it is you fighting for one last effort to influence her. (It's just a different style of fighting for the M). Not influencing her about how much you love her, or that you are still standing and fighting for the M, (b/c those things are a turnoff to a WW), but for her to see you as a man she let go, and to realize she can't have the best of both worlds.