So Much Time is Passing By Pt. II

[HopeRB]

Once again, thank you for weighing with your always interesting perspective.

Absolutely not. I am simply saying that it is hard to tell neediness from commitment sometimes. Sometimes people that say they are committed to M change their tune 6-12 months down the road when they no longer 'feel' in love with their WAS, when they no longer 'need' them to feel good in their life, and when they are angry. So I guess what I'd say is that you can tell true commitment when the only feelings remaining are negative. But I believe you are one of them based on your last post (quoted below).

I see what you mean and how my commitment could be taken as neediness - heck I was very needy early on in this and have been in my M for quite some time. At first, there was a little part of me that just didnt want to be alone. But I've realized over the last few months that I truly love my husband, the time we spent together, who he is as a person and what value we've brought to each other's live, good or bad. He was truly my best friend, knew me better than anyone in the world and I him, at least I thought I did. Regardless, though I don't like H right now, I am still very much in love with him and committed to our M. Of course, thats a hard thing to do when you're the only one doing it, sitting at home by yourself with no clue where your spouse it at but, this is what I'm doing.

If giving up means rebounding, burning bridges with WAS, etc, then NO, don't give up.

But if giving up means letting go, accepting your M is dead, rebuilding yourself, grieving, moving forward with your focus on you, detaching, GALing, and focusing on 180s for YOU to be the best you can be...then I am a BIG FAN of giving up.

They are different. And I think most people are afraid of doing what they should because they feel like it's giving up. And, to my first point, they're afraid that if they let go of their loving feelings they will never R. But if you're truly committed to M then you can have faith that you can let your love die off, knowing that feeling love is just a feeling, and that it can be rebuilt if the opportunity arises appropriately.

I was talking to a friend the other day abotu the difference between giving up and being patient. And considering your opinions on "giving up", ya, I guess I could say that's what I thought "giving up" meant. Giving up as in the way I interact with him doesnt matter anymore and all of that nice, loving distance, validation, etc. stuff goes out the door. But I just actually had another epiphany while writing this that even still, thats how one should treat people no matter what: loving them, being kind, not controlling and supporting. So I guess in a way, I won't ever "give up."

But I have given up in the sense of DB and all the ways you mention above. That hope still exists and is strong inside of me but I'm coming to terms with just accepting this is my life right now and all I can really do is lean on God and trust in Him that He is working all things together for my good.


[quote=Zues126]This is tied in my mind for the worst thing in this universe (along with people that surf their phones while they're hanging out with you). The idea that D is a natural stage of growth, like childhood, school, college, work, marriage, family, divorce, rebirth, growth, bloom into independent new-age 2nd generation human being that is too wise to accept a relationship that doesn't jive with their sophisticated lifestyle.

The social endorsement of divorce is the biggest social epidemic facing our culture today, and I pray that, like slavery, in 100 years people will look back and shake their heads that we used to destroy our own families voluntarily.

Don't get me started Hope. Don't do it. Don't let Zuessy get rolling on this topic. I will take a deep breath."

Hahaha, sorry I got you all worked up over there Zues. But I agree. It's way too easy and acceptable to get a D. To just walk out and leave your family, kids or no kids. H would shush me, make up his face in a disgusted way and say, "Don't talk like that," whenever I would talk about the what-ifs of a D. Yes, I was stupid for even using that word but nevertheless. Now he's put it on the table and thinks its "the best thing." There's nothing best or good about D. It ruins people inside and out and is a living death. I honestly can't even believe my H has entertained this.Sigh, I love him so much, I honestly just wish he'd man up and step up to his M commitment. Yeah, that's what I pray.