VERY IMPORTANT. I need help ASAP!!

[Zues126]

I already am the better choice

Agreed.

If I'm completely honest, I would agree that I can see trying to get him to counselor with me could be seen as controlling. But I really do think it could help.

IMHO the damage caused by being controlling/fixing/pursuing/dismissing is far, far greater than any good that could come from IC. It's controlling because you're not letting him have his journey. It's fixing because you're showcasing the attitude that you think HE'S the problem, and if he was just mentally sound he'd realize he's wrong and you're right. And it's pursuing/dismissive because it shows that you want the marriage, whether he wants to be M to you or not, it says "You're making a mistake, you need to get your head checked, do what I want you to do, and be a good husband to me, and if you're sad or unfulfilled for the rest of your life I don't really care". No counselor is going to make that appealing.

I do realize that there is always a small chance that he could decide he wants to R after the D. However, I think it would be more likely to R while we are still married. He filed Feb 23 so my D could actually be final on April 25th. That's really not that far away.

I don't know MB. I mean, on the one hand common sense dictates that the longer you two are disconnected the less chance there is of reconnecting, and I can see how you'd feel that way. On the other hand WAH is on a journey on his own, and it might be the fastest way he'd ever be prepared to consider reconnecting would be if he's left to that journey and gets to see where it leads. Part of that might include the fear of loss, which he certainly wouldn't feel if you're soliciting counseling.

It's just so hard to predict, and impossible to control. In the end that's why you have to let go of him, and let go of your attachment to him, and instead really make your life center around how you play your cards. Take care of yourself, continue to be the better choice, and let the future take care of itself.

NC is great for some people, but according to DB you're supposed to try something and monitor results. If it's not working, do something different! Well, it's coming up on almost 6 months. How long should I monitor NC before doing something else?

I think this advice is misinterpreted sometimes. The idea of "working" makes it sound like there is something you can do that will achieve the results you want. Well, we know that isn't true. You can try things and monitor results the rest of your life, but you can't make someone love you.

A lot of NC is about what I referenced above...while you can't force things to get better, you can avoid making them worse, and while you can't speed up his journey, you can avoid slowing it down. NC is good for many of those reasons.

This doesn't mean there aren't shades of NC. By all means you can demonstrate 180s with the contacts you do have, whether they are regarding the children, finances, or anything else. You can leave the door open to conversation, and be light and breezy.

Personally I believe in following the guideline of avoiding a push/pull dynamic. It's like personal space, where if you crowd someone they back away. Or when you're texting/calling a friend, if it gets to the point where you're calling them 5 times more often than they are calling you, maybe that's a sign they need a bit more space. When that happens to me with my friends I give them space until they call me back, then I try to make sure I keep close to a 1:1 ratio so I know I'm not pushing them too much.

The tendency is to want to make sure they know the door is open, or to temp check even the 'friend' aspect of things, so to reach out for trivial reasons or to extend a few warm words. I don't think this is wise. I think if THEY reach out to YOU it's ok to reciprocate, but even then I believe in reciprocating about 80%...enough to know that you're warm and open to conversation, but just cutting it short enough to leave them wanting a little more, and not feeling like you're pursuing. If they want more all they have to do is put in more themselves...and if the day comes they say "I want more back from you" then it's easy to say "Hm, interesting you say that because you're filing D, this is the relationship I'd be comfortable maintaining from an ex..." and then letting them make their decisions once they see you're not necessarily a plan B forever and they can feel what they are missing.