The behavior of a WW can get pretty childish. In fact, there have been times I suggested the LBH'S response be nothing but a chuckle and a shake of his head as he turns and walks away from her.
I have read very few stories where the WW was anywhere reasonable about her requests concerning the children, or ...............well........anything else. The LBH needs to know when to just shrug off some of the nonsense, when to laugh at it, and when to decide he will die on that mountain before he gives in to her.
Unless she really has you over a barrel about an issue, I don't think she is really in any position to get too angry too much at you. And just b/c you are DBing does not mean you have to lay down, roll over, and ask her to give you another stomping. Frankly, I just don't encourage any LBS taking that type of treatment. So she's angry! She can take it somewhere else or keep it, but she's not going to explode it all over you!
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I also suggested that the information she had from the parent evening, she could write it to me by email. One of her reasons for leaving was that she said she didn't feel good around me and has said to some (who are not here) that she is scared of me. Hence, I gave her the option of not having to see me. Again I got a hostile response stating that if I wanted written info, to speak to the school and that she had hoped we could have had an informal chat (whatever that means). Why does she want to be near me or around me, when she has now got what she wanted and left??
Did you ask her previous to the meeting? I see your point of view about the purpose of you not attending, but I can also see why your W would be angry about filling you in later with information she had to go to a meeting to get. (school or daycare?)
As a separated family with a student, it is really the responsibility of each parent to get information from the school. If you can't make a meeting, most teachers are more than happy to meet you during their conference period or have a phone call during that period. Schools are willing to mail progress reports to each parent, and schedule conferences with each one.
If you have a child in daycare, then they may not have the same setup. However, if a couple is living in separate houses, and one of them is not very cooperative, it would be a good practice to get information directly from the daycare.
Like I said, you need to decide which mountain you will die on. It is difficult to stay balanced and keep a clear head when all this mess is going on around you. Ah.....live and learn.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi, I wasn't aware of the meeting in the first place, the first I knew of it was when W mentioned it. I will go to the school and find out information too. Our son is 7 and we had his progress report a few months ago. I imagine this one was more like a school related meeting as opposed to the student.
The daycare for our D, I speak to often about how she is.
So saw WW during kid pick up again this morning. I got the "I feel good, sleeping well" speech this morning, probably made a mistake by saying I have seen her look better (even though it was the truth). Head was thinking, well if takes cheating and breaking apart our family for you to feel good, guess I can do better. Fortunately, didn't say that to her.
She kept wanting to talk about kid stuff, then I got another different story about her reasons for leaving that made me laugh, get in the car and drive away.
I getting so confused, the support here is telling me one thing and it feels like my IC is telling me another. This was my latest response from him:
So you were not able to push through with the meeting with your wife because you were doing a course at work... and you just asked her to write to you. So what could have been a chance to show her your new self and rekindle old flames, turned out to be something that raised her ire even more.
I wouldn't know what she is so angry about. But I do know that ​the leading cause of anger is a person’s environment. ​Factors such as stress, financial issues, abuse, poor social or familial situations, and overwhelming requirements on time and energy can all contribute to the formation of anger. Anger issues may be more prevalent in individuals who were raised by parents with the same disorder. ​Would you say your wife's childhood was one in which anger might have been prevalent in her environment? ​Genetics and ​the body’s ability to deal with certain chemicals and hormones also play a role in how ​people deal with anger​.​How old is your wife now? Would you say she may be experiencing some hormonal changes?
​It is a big challenge on your part to live with a resentful or angry person​, as you need to be aware to keep from becoming one yourself​.There is also the challenge of trying to get her to change.​In this case, your demeanor is more important than the words you use​. You must be convinced that you and your family deserve a better life and be determined to achieve it. It is important to see your ​wife not as an enemy or opponent​​,​ so you must always approach her with compassion,​ try to refrain from being combative.
Maybe the reason why she was upset was because she tried to reach out to you but she felt rejected... So I guess it will not harm if you open up to her and show interest in partnering with her to provide a healthy home environment for your children. Your children are the link that keeps you connected, so you ought to make this a common ground where you can agree and cooperate.
Hope this helps...
I know there is an element of overlap and I feel his approach would be seen for a WAW, it just seems to be a little conflicting to a WW. As I have read here, she needs to feel some rejection, that I don't just bow down to her whim, that she needs to feel that I'm not always available when she reaches out.... Any thoughts as I am a little confused.
Some other parts of our interaction when I picked up the kids. Everytime I went to get in the car, she wanted to talk about something else about the kids. She also questioned why I suggested a neutral location to talk rather than the house, she said it was still her house too. I did say that she decided to leave it, it can be her investment still but it's my home at the moment. I had suggested she could just do things by email as she had been telling people she was scared of me and didn't like being around me and that i thought it would be easier for her rather than having to see me too often. She still wanted to get together to talk and "open a line of communication".
She did also mention that she sees the work I have been doing on myself especially towards the kids.
I getting so confused, the support here is telling me one thing and it feels like my IC is telling me another. This was my latest response from him:
I know there is an element of overlap and I feel his approach would be seen for a WAW, it just seems to be a little conflicting to a WW. As I have read here, she needs to feel some rejection, that I don't just bow down to her whim, that she needs to feel that I'm not always available when she reaches out.... Any thoughts as I am a little confused
I believe it depends upon who talks to you, their beliefs, the role they have, the experience they have........and their approach to your situation. There are some differences in viewpoints here on the board, so just imagine the wide span in differences out in the field of counseling. You won't get the same approach from an IC that you would probably get from your Pastor. This IC sounds as if he is analyzing your W according to popular or common physchology. That might be all well and good if she wasn't wayward. If your IC does not understand the mindset of a WW, you are wasting your money.
I think you just have to make a decision which way you want to go and let the other one go.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi, I have spent the last couple of days going over which way I want to go. The IC is pro mending the marriage but like you said, maybe the WW understanding is not there. I have suggested it to him and will see. I feel some of his advice would be good if I get the feeling something changes within my W.
I have felt within myself this past few days that I need the space from her that going dark would give me. I need to figure out what I want, my W has always had a selfish streak in her and it is shining very brightly lately. She has regularly been one to talk the talk but not walk the walk, especially when it came to me. As much as I still love this woman, I do wonder if I can do better as I improve myself. I understand that any reconciling generates changes in the dynamics of the R, I do question if my W has any ability within her to do the work that would be required. I know I have not always done what I needed to do in her timeframe and made mistakes but I have regualrly heard the words "I tried" without the actually doing.
I have done a lot for her over the years, probably too much at times to now have it all thrown back at me. Many times I have been the easy target to blame for her own failings and it's something I grew very tired of. I spent way too much time last year just trying to do what she wanted and did nothing for me, and she did very little for me in return. I was supposed to work on the house we were building, do all the paperwork, be there for the family all the time, work my job while trying to catch up on 50 hours of missed time and push for a new position (which I got) plus all the other usual things with 2 young children. Yes we didn't spend enough good times together, I spent money on her instead, would buy her and my daughter flowers and small gifts regularly when I went to the market, searched and bought her a piano for her birthday (a dream of hers for 18yrs to have her own), bought her jewelry, presents just for the sake of it, just cause I wanted to. This has always been my way of expressing how much she meant to me. I'm not saying we didn't do things also, we would go out walking as a family, day trips etc. The part that we didn't do was enough time out as a couple but she also never organised anything for us to do. It seemed like I was supposed to do it all. I just got that she tried and thought of things but didn't do anything about those thoughts. It was all just too much and it burnt me out like I never felt before. I can see that at times I was a pain in the ass to live with, but I was doing all this while she had expressed attraction to a work colleague at the early part of the year and wouldn't remove the contact. Something that I then got into arguments with her about. So I have been questioning these last few weeks of what I'm trying to save.
On a more positive note, am making plans to take my kids to Bahrain to visit Grandpa. Sent W an email telling her when I was going to take them and only got a response about a daycare thing for my D on Thursday. When I mentioned taking them in person, she seemed to be taken back. At times, I don't think she expected me to make life move on without her.
Also had S at the dentist today, got nothing from W asking how it went. I know I don't recognise my W anymore, but I don't even recognise the mother she used to be either. The kids were with her for just over a week and have not mentioned one thing they did with her. I'm not asking them as I don't want to be pumping them for information.
It amazes me how selfish they become. My WAW can't even find the time to text my S13 goodnight when he is with me. Plus, she can't even recognize how traumatic this is on him, even though he doesn't outwardly express or show it, and continues to harp on him about some small stuff. I have backed way off and have given him a lot of slack. Still have the discipline but I am learning not to sweat the small stuff with him.
They are blind to their destruction and seem to have lost their compassion for their family. My WAW has always been a little self-centered also.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
It amazes me also DBD, she was one that said she wanted to speak to the kids every night before bed once we were separated. I hear nothing. My kids have been more sick the past few months than they had been in ages. Even just on Monday, my D3 threw up just as I got her to daycare. I doubt my W even sees the stress they are under.
I have also been very careful with both my kids for the past 4 months. Like you said, still have disipline, but I spend time to talk through things with them.
