Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
So my son was asking what time it was this morning. S7:Daddy what time is it? Melo:9:00 S:But Daddy I thought that it was 10 M:Nope it's 9 S:But Daddy you said that it was going to be 10 M:It's 9 S:But Daddy wasn't it 10?(tears welling up in his eyes) M:Son it's 9:00! You can complain all you want and cry but it's not going to change anything! You can't change time! You can be miserable for the next hour or you can go find something to do and you will see how soon time passes by...if only I could learn that lesson
My W doesn't have a car, because she crashed in December and the car was a total loss. My W has a great credit score, but doesn't have the income to get a car. I don't have a good credit score, but I have the income so that the lease will be approved. I know that I'm not supposed to help in any way, but she does need a car. I just get angry because I am good enough to get a car with, good enough to take care of the kids, but not good enough to be her husband.
So I went and did some snooping. I know, I shouldn't have, it's not helpful, it doesn't make me a better man, but in this case it made me a better informed man. So my wife left her purse on the chair wide open, with a paper that says Melo on it. OK so I casually saw it yesterday and was torn about looking at it. After much deliberation and at 4am I decided to go and look at the paper. It was a series of papers documenting a phone consultation with a psychic (she's really into that stuff). The psychic was spot on in regards to my feelings of wanting to reconcile with my wife, that I would be willing to do anything to change and keep my family together. Psychic told W that I am staying in the M because I don't want to break S7's heart. The psychic also said that I have cheated on my wife with a lot of women, and I am a liar. The psychic said that we weren't going to get a divorce last year and eventually our relationship would be broken. Oh and that she would have passionate sex with a mutual acquaintance of ours. So is it entirely plausible that she was planting that information, hoping I would find it? Yeah. She is super slick, waaaay slicker than me. The useful part of that information is that I know exactly how she perceives me and why she was so angry and hurt last year. I mean of couse she was hurting, I would be too if I was told that, by more than one psychic. So this is the perception that I have to fight. I need to be more honest, I need to show her that I can be trusted and that I am fighting for our M because I love her and choose to be with her. My climb just got steeper.
The psychic stuff explains why she was so sure that I had an A. It also explains why she would tell me that she would forgive me if I just told her the truth. Except that when I did she didn't believe me. I think she was so hurt that she had to detach from me or she was going to go crazy and then became rebellious and bitter after thinking that I had been unfaithful. She talked to me about the R last week and said that she had thought about what I said re: getting MC and she said that she has a lot of healing to do before she can even consider it. I just stayed shut and validated. She continually says that this happened to her because she was too nice, too trusting and so sheasy refuses to be nice anymore. She has built this wall to protect herself, from me and I don't know how to tear it down.
Yep, it's one of them days. I'm thinking about things more than ever today. It was probably the snooping...shouldn't do that again. So yesterday my D11 says that she has heard some friends talking about their parents getting divorced and she is so happy that she doesn't have to deal with that. She said she already dealt with it once when she was 2yo and she was too young to know what's going on, but now she's old enough to know. This [censored] sux. I know I need to detach, heck it's been 9 months, but I'm afraid to. All that big talk boils down to that.
The psychic also said that I have cheated on my wife with a lot of women, and I am a liar.
Wait, I'm confused. Is the psychic right? Did you cheat on your wife?
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
No. I cheated 8 and a half years ago, when we first started going out and lived in different states. I was with someone when my W came back into my life, I then slept with some one 3 months after we started dating. I haven't slept with anyone since then. I used porn to satiate my desires when the W didn't want to be with me. I didn't come clean about the cheating until 6 months ago. I felt awful about having done it and hoped that she never had to find out, but you can't hide from the truth. The problem is that she thinks I have been cheating on her recently and that is not true. I have made many mistakes since moving up here, but cheating isn'the one of them.
I am sitting in my office, crying at the thought of where I am right now. Not getting much work done today.My identity in my own mind has always been as a husband and father. I went home for a sec and saw the kids and kissed them. They said "Love you Daddy", poor things have no idea what is going on or how much their world could potentially change, if Daddy doesn't get this right. No pressure.
