Tleft, and so it begins

[Calibri]

Sandi to answer the questions you asked: she has never been medicated for what I perceive to be bipolar disorder. She was prescribed medication for it once, but she never actually took it. That doctor was not sure what she had however, he was "experimenting." So I cannot say with 100% certainty she is bipolar. Her mother most certainly is.

Hi TLeft - first of all -I'm sorry that you're here. Second, I would caution you against trying to self diagnose your wife and leave it to the professionals, although it sounds like some of the professionals she brings into her life regarding her health are suspect. If you believe she might be ill - then I would encourage you to encourage her to seek medical assistance - should SHE broach the topic, and only if she broaches the topic.

The thing that I've learned about bipolar - is that it manifests differently in people and is hard as hell to figure out. My XH bomb dropped me, in his first manic episode EVER. We now know that he had a stress related break down, it triggered bipolar. He started taking an AD after bomb drop, which actually accelerated his mania, which, as stated - we didn't know was happening. So your fears about the medication are not unfounded - although some friends who are bipolar and take adderol haven't had similar experiences.


At BD my XH had a complete personality change and because EXTREMELY angry. Like - complete RAGE. It was extremely scary and traumatic. I didn't suspect it to be bipolar because his mania wasn't presenting "text book" for a lack of better words. My dad is bipolar and his mood swings are about as close to text book as possible - and when my XH didn't "look like" my dad, for a lack of better words - so, I didn't think it was bipolar. XH's mother is SEVERELY mentally ill (NPD, BPD and likely Bipolar as well) - but he wasn't presenting like her either. It was a real struggle trying to figure it out - and it took alot of begging and pleading and downright scary as [censored] situations over the course of six months before he would even agree to go to a psychiatrist.

When he received his diagnosis, I thought - "ok, we have an answer, now we can fix the marriage." But the reality is, the destruction to the marriage post BD (along with the issues each one of us respectively had before he became ill and the BD) was a bit more complicated - and not something that was able to be salvaged at this point in our lives.

I am most certainly looking for a reason to explain this away, and the Adderall logic could be just that. The timing is pretty suspect, however.

Having a reason things happen, doesn't make it any easier. Trust me. For the first year after BD - I shouldered the entire blame for BD and the demise of our marriage. It took me to a very dark place. I had alot of "if only" thoughts. If only I had not taken my stress out on him. If only he had communicated with me how he felt. If only we hadn't put an offer in on our forever home....if only if only if only.

When he received his diagnosis - it took the weight off me a bit. There was suddenly a "reason" if you will. And like I said, I thought things could be fixed. However, just because he was mentally ill, it didn't invalidate the feelings that he had pre BD and post BD. Honestly, it just made things more complicated.

I'm 19 months post BD, 4 months post divorce - and it took 3 months of intensive therapy with someone who specializes in Bipolar, for my XH to start to have the dialogue about what happened - and this didn't happen until about a month or so ago. Apologizing for the nasty things he said when he left. For how he treated me during BD and post BD. For things that happened. It's still not entirely clear what was/is an actual marital issue, what was/is a FOO issue that was projected on our relationship and what/is the illness - but the consensus between him, his psychiatrist, and therapist are leaning heavily on FOO issues that projected into marriage and the illness.

And you know what? It doesn't make it any damn easier. Knowing that an illness contributed to the demise of my marriage. It doesn't help. It makes it even more of a bitter pill to swallow - because while marital and FOO issues can be resolved - unfortunately - Bipolar cannot.

I hope for your sake that it is not Bipolar or a medicated induced problem, because while the demise of any relationship is awful - having a contributing factor such as mental illness - is really, really tough.
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My advice is to detach - and as quickly as possible. It is a roller coaster of emotions and IF your wife is ill, her illness will take you on a completely different roller coaster as well.

I would also encourage you to stop looking for reasons as to why this is happening. It could be because she's ill. It could be because the sun came up. It could be because mercury is in retrograde and the tide came in at 1:34am. Regardless, it's still happening - and knowing WHY it's happening, in my opinion, is not as important as SURVIVING it while its happening. You have to take care of you. Everything else will fall into place over time.



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