Still moving in a new direction

[ciluzen]

Mleigh,

That was a great insight about MIL's negativity and how your H craves positive validation. Our MLC spouses are so affected by these childhood issues (as I guess we all are).

With my H, it was his controlling father who constantly told him to his face he was wrong or doing things wrong (still does). But when his father speaks of him to others, H is this amazing person who does no wrong. His mother was the supportive loving one. She now has alzheimers, though. Interestingly enough, H's complaint about me was that I didn't like him and was always telling him he was wrong (I didn't, but did express opinions on things) and that I was doing too much for our children.

Its as if I have become his father as a target for his anger that is "safe" to punish and act out on, but he still wants to be "nice" to me because he also sees me as a loving mother and feels guilty treating me badly. Does that make sense? I am both and his feelings and actions then come across as chaotic and confused because...they are.

I like how you have, with Haho's help, picked up on your H's craving for positive validation, though. I need to up my dosing of that for my H. Also, showing him I respect his opinion and will try to either swallow my own differing ones or phrase them as just floating ideas...harmless and not attacks against him. Tough to do in dealing with MLC mind, though. I know my D is pretty much a done deal by next year, but I still feel the need to learn how to treat H as he moves through the tunnel.