Ups and downs (II)

[JulieH]

Zues, thank you as always. It's funny, the people in my life (friends, family) that I have the most respect and admiration for are those that have had to navigate some of life's most difficult challenges. Yet here I am, wanting everything to be handed to me, like that winning lotto ticket.

These are the things I am appreciative for

1. I have sons majority of time. I am devastated that husband neglects them because i worry about effect it will have on them, the lack of positive male role model etc. But I do not have to fear a 50/50 custody battle. Husband does not want it and I don't think he could handle it. He takes them every other weekend, and it is actually nice to have some time to myself. Sons are alive and healthy and thriving.

2. Finances. I love my job. I look forward to going to work everyday. I am good at my job. It is very rewarding. I have potential to do more and take it in different directions when I choose to do so. My job is secure and if I lost it, I have a skill set that would make it easy for me to find another.

3. Living arrangement.. Not so hot. Quite awful. But it keeps me stable and comfortable financially. Kids are in great school district. My kids LOVE living with grandparents. I don't have to worry about stresses others do. If something goes wrong with house, my dad takes care of it. I get lots of help. I know this cannot be permanent though.

4. Relationship. I understand what you mean. I like being in a relationship and everything that goes along with it. I want to share my life with someone. I want to grow old with someone. I want that someone to be my husband. I will know a lot more about myself and relationships and about how to work together as a unit and how to make a relationship thrive and how to listen to and communicate with and compromise with another person.

I am very sad that there is a good probability that I will not be able to have that with my husband. I am sad because I feel like if I could have anyone to be that person for, it would be my husband. I am sad because him leaving was the only way I would ever have been able to really reflect upon any of this and to make these changes. I like to be fair, and it is unfair to him that I will be a better person for someone else instead of him. (He really was not the person he is now. I think prior to this, I was more of the difficult one and I was not fair to him. ) I do not want a replacement husband. Family and friends tell me to move on. Meet someone else. I am wasting my time. Deep down, i want so badly for him to come around. Admitting this, versus finding all the negatives in him makes me more vulnerable.
Positives are, We are not divorced yet. Husband will not commit to reconciliation, but he will not commit to divorce either.


Yes my goal is to find happiness regardless of my situation.