Ups and downs (II)

[JulieH]

So last DB coach session focused a lot on me learning to embrace more positivity. She asked me a simple question and I went into this little soliloqy about how awful my life and situation is, living with my parents,feeling helpless about being able to afford our area and not being able to move away because of husband and dependence upon babysitting...a lot of woe is me stuff.

So we started talking about positivity. Would like to write about it here. Because this is something I really need to work on. It was the downfall of our relationship and I cannot mentally beat myself up with it anymore.

[JulieH]

So my background...I am raised by 2 of the most cynical and negative people on the planet. Their philosophy is if you expect the worst, you will never be dissapointed. We have never been raised with any type of religion or with any type of spirituality. We are grounded to the earth and then some. My parents worry about everything. Very risk adverse. Not much fun at all. Just to give you an example... We said something to son about cat going to heaven and my parents were worried that son would start to become more reckless with the security of a heaven and not having the fear of death. (You can't make this stuff up)

So for me to change my thought process is VERY challenging.

Basically coach talked about how our thoughts created our emotions which effects our behavior. If we have negative thoughts, it creates bad feelings which can effect how we act (self sabatoge/self limiting behaviors)

She said I have to remember that I am in control of my thoughts. Problem is I have always thought negative thoughts. I am afraid to think positively. It is so unnatural for me to do so (with the exception of my lottery fantasy) it is scary for me to do so. I do not want to be dissapointed...

Positive thoughts she introduced

1. "Life is about energy and vibrations. Everything has a spiritual solution"
2. " Life is exciting"
3. " Best is around the corner"
4. "All things happen for our learning and for our good."
5. " this situation is making me stronger. I am learning about myself. I have great child and can teach them from this"

So basically being happy will benefit me because my actions will be self serving. In order to be happy, my thoughts need to be positive and I want to be happy regardless of my situation. This should be possible, since I was sad/anxious even when husband was with me because my thougts were so negative.

When I got off the phone with her I felt great. But now again today, feel down again because feeling negative about chance of reconciliation with husband. But if I think positive about husband I could be setting myself up for major dissapointment. But thinking positively would help me become lighter and happier and would win or re attract husband and possibly other good things as well.

So I know I need to think positively. I just don't know how to be consistent with it.
And I am afraid to lose sense of reality as well or something else that I don't understand.

[Zues126]

This is absolutely the right focus.
It isn't easy.
Nor is it a black and white, where you're doing it all right now.
It's about where you focus.

My life has never been better. I choose to focus on all I have to be appreciative for, and I choose to have faith that I'll be ok.

In each area of my life there are troubles.

Kids- I currently have 20% parenting time, this won't adjust until June. I am missing out on half their life at best. And I don't get to model for them a healthy marriage, which means this destruction will likely be inflicted on them. HOWEVER- I've never been closer with them. They're healthy, sheltered, and well fed, unlike most of the world and history. I get to model for them how to handle adversity and hard knocks. And the time we have is so amazing that measuring the quantity is silly, because the quality is priceless.

Finances. Work is stressful, I work in a high velocity high pressure outside business to business sales position for a fortune 500, I deal with credit rejects, customers backing out, deals falling through, rejection, days going by without getting paid...all while I am supporting two households, XW hasn't worked a day since BD, and she is trying to get her L to pressure me for more money even though I have been paying her more than many people make, and even though in January and February she received 70% of my net income, and that after her payments I was $200 short of paying just my rent, let alone my bills, or food, or anything, and I went backwards thousands, AND my rent wil be going up shortly as I need to move...HOWEVER, I have a great job with tremendous upside, flexibility to take care of my kids, my income is usually higher and once my legal bills settle and we get this through court the payments will have to be settled in a liveable way, and all in all I will never starve to death or watch my children go hungry.

Relationship. J, I don't know that you EVER get over this stuff. My belief in a committed relationship is so core to my being that I can't even conceptualize another relationship. To me it would be like if you lost a child and someone got you a toy baby doll. It's not even close to replacing your baby. There is no replacing a permanent commitment, ever. There is no way to replace sharing the love of your children. There just isn't. Even trying to seems like just calling more attention to what was lost by contrast. But...I have a better relationship with MYSELF. I treat myself better. And I am there for myself in the ways that I wished my partner would have been.

I have so much to be appreciative for, I truly just focus on that. When the negatives come at me, I breathe deep, then refocus back on the positives. The last 20 months I have been a ROCK. Seriously, if you know what I've been through, you'll know that I have just stepped up in so many ways. Day by day. Challenge by challenge. I believe that no matter what is thrown at me, I will respond. For every problem around the corner, there is a solution. And even if I don't like the solution, I have found that I can always find things to appreciate and enjoy. This makes me FEARLESS. I do my best every day, and I can go to sleep each night knowing that I've done my best.

I've said it before. You don't need to end limbo, you don't need closure, you don't need anything to be at peace...all you need to do is let go of your never ending list of conditions that need to be met before you allow yourself to enjoy the present.

PS- yes, I've done some hypnotherapy. I would recommend a recorded session with focus on appreciation, and being open to enjoying the positives around you right now.

[Thornton]

That's awesome, Zeus.

Thanks for giving us all a little hope.

[Painter]

Okay, I had to laugh a little at your negativity being a problem... H thinks I'm way too positive. To where he is furious at how I 'stick my head in the sand', how it's 'his job to educate me', how I'm way 'too altruistic' and 'bleeding heart', etc.

With some people, you just can't win.

[JulieH]

Zues, thank you as always. It's funny, the people in my life (friends, family) that I have the most respect and admiration for are those that have had to navigate some of life's most difficult challenges. Yet here I am, wanting everything to be handed to me, like that winning lotto ticket.

These are the things I am appreciative for

1. I have sons majority of time. I am devastated that husband neglects them because i worry about effect it will have on them, the lack of positive male role model etc. But I do not have to fear a 50/50 custody battle. Husband does not want it and I don't think he could handle it. He takes them every other weekend, and it is actually nice to have some time to myself. Sons are alive and healthy and thriving.

2. Finances. I love my job. I look forward to going to work everyday. I am good at my job. It is very rewarding. I have potential to do more and take it in different directions when I choose to do so. My job is secure and if I lost it, I have a skill set that would make it easy for me to find another.

3. Living arrangement.. Not so hot. Quite awful. But it keeps me stable and comfortable financially. Kids are in great school district. My kids LOVE living with grandparents. I don't have to worry about stresses others do. If something goes wrong with house, my dad takes care of it. I get lots of help. I know this cannot be permanent though.

4. Relationship. I understand what you mean. I like being in a relationship and everything that goes along with it. I want to share my life with someone. I want to grow old with someone. I want that someone to be my husband. I will know a lot more about myself and relationships and about how to work together as a unit and how to make a relationship thrive and how to listen to and communicate with and compromise with another person.

I am very sad that there is a good probability that I will not be able to have that with my husband. I am sad because I feel like if I could have anyone to be that person for, it would be my husband. I am sad because him leaving was the only way I would ever have been able to really reflect upon any of this and to make these changes. I like to be fair, and it is unfair to him that I will be a better person for someone else instead of him. (He really was not the person he is now. I think prior to this, I was more of the difficult one and I was not fair to him. ) I do not want a replacement husband. Family and friends tell me to move on. Meet someone else. I am wasting my time. Deep down, i want so badly for him to come around. Admitting this, versus finding all the negatives in him makes me more vulnerable.
Positives are, We are not divorced yet. Husband will not commit to reconciliation, but he will not commit to divorce either.


Yes my goal is to find happiness regardless of my situation.

[Vanilla]

I would like to lay down a challenge

As always no V is ok.

I would like 100 positive statements about your sitch and you

V

[JksD]

I like to be fair, and it is unfair to him that I will be a better person for someone else instead of him.

I have felt and am still feeling everything that you have described. I am doing mental ticks as I read your posts. Except for this.

For me, I can't stand when it's unfair. And I think it's unfair when/if xh changes for the better and TP gets the benefits. Hey, I was there first and I had to go through cr@p for xh version beta 1.1.

See, that's where you're a better person.

(((Julie)))

It is tough and it is painful. But I promise you, it will get better. I was obsessed with the TP and xh last year and they occupied every waking and perhaps even the non-waking moments. I missed xh so much I really thought I would die from a broken heart.

Now, I would be lying if I say I never think about xh. But only during small pockets of time. When I am so busy, pee/ lunch breaks are really just meant for these purposes. And my heart is stronger and she tells me she's not going to give up on me anything soon. Good to know that.

Julie, you are a wiser, calmer woman than me. If I can do it, so can you.

[JujuB]

I would like to lay down a challenge

As always no V is ok.

I would like 100 positive statements about your sitch and you

V

This is a good challenge. Will do some each day.

1. I am reaching out with old friends and developing new friendships.
2. I am becoming wiser.
3. I am more accepting of others.
4. I listen more.
5. I have treated myself more then ever before (new clothes, makeup, hair)
6. I am taking things day by day instead of worrying and planning for future.
7. I am more empathetic to others.
8. I will make a wonderful partner to my husband or to someone new because I have learned so much about how to accept and appreciate people for who they are,
9. I am a better mom because I have learned to validate and because I have had to make up for father not being around.
10. I am more independent.
11. I have learned to not say hurtful things when I am hurting.
12. Husband and I are not engaging in vengeful, intentionally hurtful acts against one another.
13. I have no proof of affair, which means husband is not flaunting one or cruelly throwing it in my face or perhaps not having one.
14. I have held it together through a very challenging time. I am mentally strong. I have not missed a day of work because of this, I have been there for kids, I have met my responsibilities. I have not engaged in any vices like drugs or alcohol. I have not needed to go on medications.
15. I have a wonderful family that has been there for me.
16. I can only go up from here.
17. I am healthy, family is healthy.
18. I have a great job i look forward to going to.
19. I help a lot of people at my job. I make a difference in their lives.
20. I am well liked at work.
21. I am not in conflict with anyone other than husband.
22. People tell me that men are attracted to me. When I go out, it seems like some of them are.
23. I am capable of learning from my mistakes.
24. I am receptive to others points of views.
25. I would not be this new person if husband did not leave me.
26. I have children majority of time.
27. I have every other weekend to myself. More of break then ever before.
28. I have a new life ahead of me.
29. I am having more fun.
30.*******i have wonderful son*********

Need to think of more.

[JujuB]

JKSD

How will TP get the benefits if husband has not acknowledged his role and taken any responsibility for his actions? It's really only a matter of time. And if not it won't matter, because you will be happy regardless.

Let's focus on who we want to be as a person. Do we want to be the one capable of walking away from spouse and kids for another person or to focus on their career or the one capable of raising children as a single parent and enjoying life and making the most of what we have? I have said this before. I would never want to be my husband. I would never want to be the person that chose to abandon.

It's funny, I think my desire for fairness is what caused a lot of the problems in my relationship with husband. I was always thinking about why I was right and things were not fair for me instead of of looking out for the marriage as a whole And instead of looking at all the good things I had going for me.

Right now I am trying to accept things as they are and just look at the positives of my current situation as is.