Ups and downs (II)

[Zues126]

This is absolutely the right focus.
It isn't easy.
Nor is it a black and white, where you're doing it all right now.
It's about where you focus.

My life has never been better. I choose to focus on all I have to be appreciative for, and I choose to have faith that I'll be ok.

In each area of my life there are troubles.

Kids- I currently have 20% parenting time, this won't adjust until June. I am missing out on half their life at best. And I don't get to model for them a healthy marriage, which means this destruction will likely be inflicted on them. HOWEVER- I've never been closer with them. They're healthy, sheltered, and well fed, unlike most of the world and history. I get to model for them how to handle adversity and hard knocks. And the time we have is so amazing that measuring the quantity is silly, because the quality is priceless.

Finances. Work is stressful, I work in a high velocity high pressure outside business to business sales position for a fortune 500, I deal with credit rejects, customers backing out, deals falling through, rejection, days going by without getting paid...all while I am supporting two households, XW hasn't worked a day since BD, and she is trying to get her L to pressure me for more money even though I have been paying her more than many people make, and even though in January and February she received 70% of my net income, and that after her payments I was $200 short of paying just my rent, let alone my bills, or food, or anything, and I went backwards thousands, AND my rent wil be going up shortly as I need to move...HOWEVER, I have a great job with tremendous upside, flexibility to take care of my kids, my income is usually higher and once my legal bills settle and we get this through court the payments will have to be settled in a liveable way, and all in all I will never starve to death or watch my children go hungry.

Relationship. J, I don't know that you EVER get over this stuff. My belief in a committed relationship is so core to my being that I can't even conceptualize another relationship. To me it would be like if you lost a child and someone got you a toy baby doll. It's not even close to replacing your baby. There is no replacing a permanent commitment, ever. There is no way to replace sharing the love of your children. There just isn't. Even trying to seems like just calling more attention to what was lost by contrast. But...I have a better relationship with MYSELF. I treat myself better. And I am there for myself in the ways that I wished my partner would have been.

I have so much to be appreciative for, I truly just focus on that. When the negatives come at me, I breathe deep, then refocus back on the positives. The last 20 months I have been a ROCK. Seriously, if you know what I've been through, you'll know that I have just stepped up in so many ways. Day by day. Challenge by challenge. I believe that no matter what is thrown at me, I will respond. For every problem around the corner, there is a solution. And even if I don't like the solution, I have found that I can always find things to appreciate and enjoy. This makes me FEARLESS. I do my best every day, and I can go to sleep each night knowing that I've done my best.

I've said it before. You don't need to end limbo, you don't need closure, you don't need anything to be at peace...all you need to do is let go of your never ending list of conditions that need to be met before you allow yourself to enjoy the present.

PS- yes, I've done some hypnotherapy. I would recommend a recorded session with focus on appreciation, and being open to enjoying the positives around you right now.