Tleft, and so it begins

[sandi2]

Hi Tleft, welcome to the community. Your fears, and your story, are all too common on the board. If you read other threads of newcomers, you may recognize you and your W. You will not be able to talk your way out of this situation. Please avoid relationship discussions b/c it will not work. Pursuing does not work.

Based on the talk you had 3/6, you already know you cannot depend or expect her to do what she says. At this time, you can't trust her or believe her. Sorry to be blunt, but that is how it goes. This is not the girl you married. This is different person.

I am not very experienced about bipolar, however, I have been taking Adderall for several years. I have not had any personality change or mood swings.....but neither am I bipolar. Do you know why her doctor placed her on the medication? Was it her usual doctor, who would know about her bipolar? Has she been off her medication for her bipolar?

I don't know how much, or if, her health issues have to do with her behavior. I have seen men try to explain away the reason their W could be acting so out of character. They would blame it on hormones, menopause, medication, depression, thyroid condition, or whatever. Well, I have actually had all of those things I just listed, but they had nothing to do with my choice to make the decisions I made. In fairness to your W, I have known personally of one case where the woman stayed off her bipolar medication and did some very uncharacteristic behavior.

Somehow in a single week she went from wanting to work to being totally unwilling. Right before she left she told me that me putting in so much effort recently was making things harder on her. I think she wanted me to fall completely on my face but I didn't.

Men seldom guess what their W thinks. Plus, her mindset has completely changed now, so it is even more doubtful you would guess what she's thinking.

I have realized my pursuit isn't helping because she is still in pain. Someone close to her suggested I pull back for a week and approach her again. This is contrary to what everyone else close to her was telling me (that she wants to see me fight for us.) She seems set on divorce. I want to at least try counseling and fix this.

Those closest to her, or those who have not experienced having a wayward spouse cannot give completely unbiased advice. Also, what she tells others may not be anything close to the truth. She is going to find justification for leaving you.........even if that means she has to lie. Marriage counseling will not fix this problem, b/c the WW has to be honest, and she has to want to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. Your W is neither one.

That is exactly what the pastor thought. He directly asked her if there was a third party involved. She got angry and avoided the question. The pastor persisted and she angrily denied it.

First of all, a wayward wife is not going to be honest when she's confronted about a third person. Secondly, her reaction to the Pastor's persistence really raises a red flag.

To answer the question directly, I have not looked for signs of an affair. I do not think that W would do that, it just isn't the kind of person she is. Then again, this entire thing is very out of character for her.

I wasn't the kind of person to have an affair, either. It was totally opposite of my character. I had become a wayward wife, and once that line of faithfullness is crossed........it becomes easier to go to the next level.

I have seen H's who would say that they chose to believe their W, but it did not change the fact that their W was cheating. And if she's cheating or acting out in some other way, you will not be able to "nice" her back into the MR.

I hope you will read the information in the links Cadet posted. They are packed with the information you need right now.