Still moving in a new direction

[CaliGuy]

M

Reading and following your latest with H and this new parenting theme... Maybe he is working on his issues/FOO stuff through S, and yeah you now are the target for the frustrations left over from mommy dearest.
Obviously if he is so concerned dude should have had that session tattooed ... MLCrs do go for tattoos right?

Anyways maybe I'm off base here, but I wouldn't get worked up about it... In fact my house has different rules and W's has hers as your therapist mentioned. Accept that, H was the one who needed ManShack and it's not like you tell him how to run that compound, your turf your rules... I'd listen and MAYBE validate here n there but most likely would give the good ole "sorry you feel that way" and bounce

In my opinion if they want the child to live under the exact same rules it would have to be as a family under one house, and we would negotiate the rules/boundaries then lay them out

Just my nickel

[HaWho]

Mleigh - sadly your MIL's response speaks volumes. Nothing is good enough for her. She is a cynic. It's

If you decide to try validating your s in front of your h I will be curious to see your h's reaction. I am beginning to see why

[HaWho]

Sorry I am on my iPhone and hit that submit button instead of preview. Argh.

Re-posting:

Mleigh - sadly your MIL's response speaks volumes. Nothing is good enough for her. She is a cynic. It's kind of sad as she's his grandmother and it's usually their role to be super positive and big picture focused. But it's quite a look into her mind. Very negative.

If you decide to try validating your s in front of your h I will be curious to see your h's reaction. I am beginning to see why he was so hard on himself a while back. Remember? When he said he doesn't want s to be like him?

Clearly he too needs validation anywhere it's warranted.

[mleigh4]

I swear, you guys are better than any therapist, any day! I have to say, I had a strange realization yesterday when I was sitting in that room. First, I realized I had absolutely NO desire to talk about my marriage, H, or what is going on. Second, I asked her if she knew much about MLC or midlife transitions. She said she was aware of midlife transition, but before the time was even up, I knew I could not talk with her about my sitch.

Honestly, I think we learn more here, and by doing our own research! At least, that has been my experience.

Anyway, Hey Cali. I think your Jedi senses are correct. Mum is the word for me. I suppose on one hand, it's another good sign he is working through some things. The bad is that, once again, S and I are in the middle of it. I will control and manage that best I can, by being alert and aware, and continuing to keep the communication open with S and I. And you are right, I have never told H how to run his home with S, I have the same right.

Hawho, good observation. MIL is very focused on negativity. In fact, after looking at the report card, she went on to whisper, with S right there in the room with us, that she commented to his teacher how poorly so many of the students are doing, that some of them should be held back. She said when she corrects their homework, she makes big marks and comments in red. TERRIBLE! How dare she act like she is the teacher of the class, she is a piece of work. My comment back to her, was sadness, that those kids are not getting assistance from their parents, or help from a tutor. I help to correct the work for class too, and I use happy faces when they get something right! Funny how important perception is with what type of person you are.

Thank you also for the reminder. H definitely craves positive validation.

I am learning more and more about H by observation. It really helps me.

Thanks again for reading and posting and helping me work through each speed bump. Still not feeling well, in fact, now I have a low grade fever. Might be sinus infection now. I was invited for dinner but I just don't feel like anything!

[kml]

Wow, your MIL is a terrible person!!!!

[CaliGuy]

M
So first off hope you feel better... And yeah don't judge the time I'm posting I decided to be Irish a little bit

Second
I think you have been long discovering just why H entered into MLC Cry-Isis ... His mother sounds like a complete piece of work, in a way not his fault as he never was given the tools to function, hopefully he will figure it out as he replays his youth most likely through your S .... I pray and hope he wakes up and takes a wiff of the Folgers can that smells a lot like reality and gets what a catch he has in you.

You've walked this journey so well and I pray you do get through it with an intact family but most of all a H who heals and cherishes you for who you've become through all this

Stay the course

[ciluzen]

Mleigh,

That was a great insight about MIL's negativity and how your H craves positive validation. Our MLC spouses are so affected by these childhood issues (as I guess we all are).

With my H, it was his controlling father who constantly told him to his face he was wrong or doing things wrong (still does). But when his father speaks of him to others, H is this amazing person who does no wrong. His mother was the supportive loving one. She now has alzheimers, though. Interestingly enough, H's complaint about me was that I didn't like him and was always telling him he was wrong (I didn't, but did express opinions on things) and that I was doing too much for our children.

Its as if I have become his father as a target for his anger that is "safe" to punish and act out on, but he still wants to be "nice" to me because he also sees me as a loving mother and feels guilty treating me badly. Does that make sense? I am both and his feelings and actions then come across as chaotic and confused because...they are.

I like how you have, with Haho's help, picked up on your H's craving for positive validation, though. I need to up my dosing of that for my H. Also, showing him I respect his opinion and will try to either swallow my own differing ones or phrase them as just floating ideas...harmless and not attacks against him. Tough to do in dealing with MLC mind, though. I know my D is pretty much a done deal by next year, but I still feel the need to learn how to treat H as he moves through the tunnel.

[BrightFuture]

Mleigh, just stopping by… I agree with others, your MIL is a piece of work. Your son is so lucky to have you as a Mom! You are going to break the pattern… Knowing your history (with your Mom) and your H’s history… You are doing an amazing job with your son! I wish I would be this mindful when my son was 9.

I hope you are feeling better. I had some kind of cold or flu symptoms two weeks ago. I had the fever too. It took me a few days to recover. I’m glad I was able to do this, as my management at work is very understanding when people are sick... Take care of yourself.

[mleigh4]

Kml - you crack me up. Yes, I am realizing that more and more.

Cali - no judging here. Ya, it is becoming clearer and clearer that MIL may be behind the madness. It's just strange in that I always thought of H as being spoiled. He does no wrong in his parents eyes. I know MIL loves her children, yet she seems so....cold. It seems to be more of a lack of emotional connection and relationship that went on. A lack of guidance, which would explain the panic attacks he has over S.

Ciluzen, the projection we get is pretty interesting, huh? It helps to see it for what it is. I still am not quite sure what to do about it though! I definitely think both our H would benefit from positive validation.

Bright, thank you so much for the kind words. It really means a lot. I think I am a pretty darn good mommy too!

TGIF. Another crazy busy day at work today. Hard to keep up when feeling sick, but I did. Picked up S after school and we treated the office to frozen yogurt. My poor little guy got stuck staying over an hour late at work with me. Made dinner and am finally curled up on the couch!

We are watching TV, and S turns to me and says he has a secret but I can't get mad. I say, did you break the law? Lol. He said, well, a school law. He told me he woke up this morning at daddy's thinking it was Saturday for some reason. So he got up and just hung out. About 10:30, H woke up and asked S why he didn't wake him up? S said, I thought it was the weekend! S said he didn't get to school until lunchtime. I asked him, did daddy forget to set his alarm?? S said, he set it but doesn't know why it didn't go off. I told S, don't worry, I'm not mad. S said, just surprised? I said ya. I asked S if he wants to take the alarm clock he got for his birthday to keep there, he just shrugged. He said daddy said it was partly his fault and did not get mad.

Weird, huh? I wonder how H explained that one to work. I am more surprised S was confused what day it was, not like him. Unless he was just taking advantage of the situation to avoid school! I won't say anything as promised, I wonder if H will tell me. Geez, I WISH I could sleep until 10:30!

[job]

I'm surprised that your h over slept. Maybe he did set the alarm and then smacked it when it went off and went back to sleep. Interesting that your son thought it was Saturday. I wonder if your h has a calendar in his house.

At least your son was honest and told you what happened. It will be interesting to see if your h tells you. He certainly can't say a word about your son sleeping in...now can he?

I hope that you and your son have a great weekend and I hope you are feeling better soon!