What the heck is this?

[2Times2Many]

Bright - although each sitch is different, it's always amazes me how much similarity there is.

HaWho - thanks for stopping by. Glad I could give you a chuckle.

H didn't "finish" MLC, part 1. In part 1 I got the same speech - ILYBINILWY, I want a separation, I want to move to X (another overseas country), etc. He was involved in an EA (maybe PA - he's swears no, but I'll never know for sure) with someone he met while visiting X with a friend.

I'll never forget him returning from that trip. I took one look at him at the airport and the first thing that crossed my mind was, "That man is not the man who left here a few days ago." It was the look on his face, his demeanor ... it was like a slap to the face. It was like something snapped (that's how he later described it) ... like someone flipped a switch.

Of course, the spew was the same then ... everything about our R was bad, I had done this wrong and that wrong, it was all my fault ... and the biggie was he suddenly wanted children. He had never wanted them and now that had become a huge longing he wanted to fulfill. At that point, I couldn't help him with that one, but I think it was more of coming up with something to fault me for that I couldn't fix than something he really wanted. He now says no way he wants kids. Anyway, he wanted to move to X to see if something would work out with OW.

He moved out of the MBR (into his "dorm") and proceeded to put a lot of effort into making his fantasy of moving to X happen, but even though OW was trying to help, the logistics just didn't work. I let him know that I didn't want that, but didn't try to stop him. He gradually gave up on that idea but was desperately looking for something else. He tried going into a business arrangement with some guys he knew, but they were pretty much ne'er-do-wells and he dropped that. He decided to go back to school and enrolled in an online college. That lasted about two semesters. He wasn't working, so tried to get back into his old career, but couldn't.

While doing all this, he was trying to convince me to move back to my childhood home - even offered to arrange airfare, car rental, hotel, etc so I could look for a place to live. He was trying to get me safely put away so he could take off with less guilt. I finally told him that he didn't get to decide my future and for the time being I wasn't leaving where we were at the time (which was not an easy place to live and not somewhere he could have comfortably left me on my own).

For months and months I listened to him talk about how unhappy he was with the underlying message that he needed to get rid of me. He was extremely depressed and would go from looking toward me as someone he could talk things over with to someone who was responsible for all his problems. I was a mess, but hid it as best I could, doing my best to leave him alone to figure it out.

One night he was spewing over dinner and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I got up from the table without saying anything, went to the bedroom and started packing a suitcase. He was truly shocked, as he was so sure I would never walk out on him ... you see, I loved him and needed him so much I simply wasn't capable of that - or so he thought.

I checked into a motel and stayed gone about 4 days without telling him where I was although I did let him know I was ok. When I finally returned home, he said he had been doing research and he discovered that he had a "pattern" in his life and if he didn't break the pattern he'd be doomed to repeat it. He said he was determined to break the pattern. At that time, that seemed plausible to me, as I didn't really know anything about MLC.

At that point, we decided to sell the house and move near his parents. (We didn't sell because of our issues, but other issues going on in the community we lived in.) We also started the business we have now.

Once we moved here, he treated me much better, but the dynamic was never the same. Not as much affection, spontaneity, etc. and he didn't put his ring back on. None of what had happened was discussed. He made it clear that he didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't push it. I began to feel like I was nothing more than plan b and he had settled on staying with me simply because he couldn't make plan a work.

He wanted to go to different social affairs ... the symphony, plays, out with neighbors, etc. and I went with him, but he grew bored with them very quickly. He started watching porn on then internet and tried (unsuccessfully) to keep it from me. He had dropped every hobby he had ever been involved in and could have resumed some once we moved here, but he didn't. Once he had exhausted all the social stuff he wanted to try (and didn't like) he became a complete workaholic. It was all he thought about. (He did build a successful business.) The only "hobby" he had was to play X-Box for hours at a time on the weekends. (I was accused of making him do that.)

I saw a minimal effort to "make things work" but it was just minimal. He expressed some remorse for putting me through all of that (Part 1) and told me I was an amazing woman. That was great to hear, but he never really followed through with the action. The "little things" didn't come back. He refused to put his ring back on (actually blew up at me once when I asked about that). He'd give me cards that were signed simply "Me" instead of "love, h." Stuff like that. He did do things like send flowers on my birthday or our anniversary, but the whole dynamic was just off. I can't really explain it ... it just didn't feel "real" for lack of a better way to put it.

In the meantime, my whole focus was to try to avoid going through "his pattern" again and I became pretty much a doormat ... doing anything he wanted, putting my needs and wants aside to accommodate his, etc. I was so afraid of getting hurt again and I now knew he was capable of hurting me like no other person could. I didn't demand his respect. I didn't push uncomfortable conversations that might have been beneficial. I didn't stand up for myself. I let him walk all over me. HUGE mistake.

So, although it wasn't my intent, when I packed a suitcase and left, it woke him up and made him realize he could lose me. Then instead of continuing to enforce my boundaries I became a complete doormat out of fear and gave him the message that he could treat me any way he liked and get away with it. Dumb, dumb, dumb!

When trying to move to X, h had become very secretive but once we moved here, he became more transparent and didn't really try to hide things (except the porn) that I'm aware of until I discovered the new OW which led to BD #2 and a complete lock down of his life.

Both times, he's expressed that he knew he was messed up. I saw the pain he was in the first time; not as much this time since he isn't here all that much (but you can still see it in his eyes sometimes). He referred to himself recently as the family "mental case" and he has sought help ... just not quite the kind of help he really needs (which would be an IC).

I also notice he focuses on something I can't or won't give him. The first time was children. This time it's living overseas. He knows I won't leave my family here. I don't think he really wants to spend the rest of his life overseas anymore than he really wanted children.

In any case, when Job says don't interrupt their journey - that it will make it longer - the proof that she is right is typing this post right now. I interrupted his journey, although I certainly had no intention of doing so. Had I known then what I know today about MLC, I'm sure I would have handled things differently.

In some ways I feel bad. H has been depressed for years and I didn't see it ... didn't understand what was going on with him. But hindsight is 20/20, so I don't beat myself up about it. I couldn't have prevented his MLC, but had I known more about it, maybe it would have been shorter.

So, this MLC is just a continuation of Part 1. It's like he put it on the back burner and when he reached a point that he could financially, logistically, and every other "..ially" pick up where he left off, he did. And he did it bigger and better than round 1.

HaWho, I don't know if that helps in your sitch or not. But it sure illustrates the importance of letting them finish their journey and of maintaining "you" after your own journey is complete.