Overwhelming sadness and frustration. That about sums up the past week and a half. W told me she was unhappy and thinking she needed time apart on 3/6. We had a talk, a really good one. I told her I would work on things. We agreed to communicate more. She asked to go to counseling because she was afraid what would happen if the problems occurred again. Big mistake, I asked to work on it and see how things went, if we needed a counselor we could go later. For a few days things got MUCH better, and I was happier than I had been in a long time. She was also, she said as much herself.
Some background: W has been telling me she was unhappy for a long time. I was blind to it for the better part of 2 years. She spoke in her language (indirect) and I was focused on building a house for us, for our family to be. I was oblivious to the indirect appeals.
I fully admit I neglected her emotional needs. I didn't spend enough time with her and our sex life wasn't what it needed to be. Her indirect calls for help caused some resentment on my part. I was doing everything for the new house (no contractor - this was a 2-4 hour per day job.) I was doing 90% of the work at home and all while working a full time job. W cleaned once every two months if I was lucky and did laundry. The rest was on me. Yes, she was working and in part time grad school, but it still wasn't fair. How could she possibly ask me to spend more time with her and family when I'm running around like mad for her? W finally got more direct this month, but I think it was too late. Because after our talk on 3/6, she decided to leave.
I was blown away. If only I had seen how long she had felt this way I would have run into counseling. Now she is gone. She tells me she still loves me. In the same breath she tells me she wants a divorce, and that she is unwilling to go to counseling because she does not want to put in any more effort. Somehow in a single week she went from wanting to work to being totally unwilling. Right before she left she told me that me putting in so much effort recently was making things harder on her. I think she wanted me to fall completely on my face but I didn't.
When she left I made the usual mistakes in pursuit. I have now gone dark as of 3/16 while I try to get a plan in order. My pursuit efforts did at least net me information. I realized there may be medication involved. She started taking Adderall right after the talk (the day before she left). Apart from the general side effects (hyper independence, manic self expression), bipolar disorder is in her family and apparently Adderall can have a huge effect on a bipolar individual making the swings drastically more extreme. I got her to go to our pastor. The session was totally unproductive. She told him she had no interest in working on the marriage, that she was done. I got a bit of truth: she says I was holding her back in her career and that I was not a good enough person. That she married me to get out of her house and that now she was making me better but not the other way around. This is far from the truth. I admit that I am the grounded one, I do not encourage her to run out and take crazy career risks like her friends do. I have seen her devastated by her job before, and we have always wanted kids, so being grounded was important. But I sent her to grad school anyways and tried to be as supportive of her working her way up the career path (as compared to what she wanted: starting her own business as soon as she leaves grad school) She didn't see it as love. Now she tells me she never wanted the house either (she is the one who found the plan...)
I have realized my pursuit isn't helping because she is still in pain. Someone close to her suggested I pull back for a week and approach her again. This is contrary to what everyone else close to her was telling me (that she wants to see me fight for us.) She seems set on divorce. I want to at least try counseling and fix this. I am more than willing to give her space, and as painful as it will be there is going to be at least some period of separation. I think when I speak with her in a little less than a week I am going to start with a 180: encouraging her to open a bank account and separate finances so she can have some independence. (I have always been the caretaker, she complained (?) to the pastor about never having paid a bill.) But I am terrified to push her further away. Those close to her have also suggested that I try to appeal to her connection to God to get her to come into actual counseling. I think that is worth one last shot too. The reason can be so we can both fix our problems for the future, even if that does not involve each other. I am hoping the time makes her more receptive. If she misses me as much as I miss her I know it will.
What I am terrified of: 1) Losing her. 2) If this really is medicine, this is probably out of my hands. 3) She is a very determined person, and she sees me as neglectful. I am afraid that staying out of contact will reinforce this feeling of neglect (more of the same).
Thanks for listening. I have DR and DB being delivered to me today. Time to start reading. I see a lot of similar situations. Any insight is appreciated.
