Thank you Zues. Your words are always so thought-provoking yet genuine. I wonder if I'm crazy or delusional at this point b/c I feel like you may be telling me to give up, but please correct me if I'm wrong. When you say its "its just a phase," I never looked at my marriage as just a phase. Maybe the seasons in it are just a phase but my love for H is not a phase at all.
And yes, I struggled with neediness for a very long time and I thought that was the reason I wanted him back but as time passes, I realize it's not that. That I truly enjoy the energy we have together as a couple. I truly enjoy our time, whether strained or happy. No one else makes me laugh the way he does. No one else makes me feel the way he does...and I've been missing those things ever since he left. I hope to find that kind of connection again (ideally with him).
Gym was fine last night. Had to contact H again b/c th Wifi was out and he still pays that bill. He says he paid it and fixed it but its still not working so I have to reach out again. Funny as I type this, you guys with kids are probably laughing at me thinking, "Seriously, that's your biggest concern right now when contacting your H, your WIFI?!!" But he said he would help out. So I'm calling his bluff.
Also, I just came from my last IC session for awhile. I have to stop going b/c I can't afford it anymore. She is certainly helpful and I will miss having a place to vent and reflect openly and get solid actionable steps but I can't continue to go until I pay off the balance. I'm so anxious about all of these jobs I have to get and having strangers stay in my home. I don't want this. I feel like I'm hitting a wall every turn I take. But I'll continue to have faith in God and know He has a plan in all of this and he's working on that plan right now, even though I cannot see it. I have to believe that to live.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
