Still moving in a new direction

[mleigh4]

H was a no show for counseling. Job, you knew that was going to happen, didn't you? The appt was at 4:00. At 4:08, while I was still waiting, I TM him, are you ok? Or just a no show for appt?

He responded, I'm really sorry. I'm in Redwood City, just got out of a meeting that was supposed to be done at 3....I'm a no show.

I have not responded, really unsure if I should or what to say. There are many things I WANT to say, but I am disappointed, angry, hurt, amused and annoyed right now. So, best to not react on those emotions. I did not give him any reminders of this appt, I gave him the information and left it to him to remember, so I am not surprised.

We went on with the counseling anyway. It was just me and the therapist. I told her right away that I don't want to dredge up all the marriage stuff, that basically this appt was to help H and I find some middle ground in our parenting styles. She asked basic questions and I told her the basic stuff. After the session, we both decided if H isn't going to be a part of this, no sense in going back. She said I sound like I am doing great and the only suggestion she had was to be more aware of supporting H and his house rules with S. She said it's common for each house to be run different, during separation or divorce, and to let S know that that is ok, but he needs to follow the rules each home has and be respectful of BOTH parents.

Wasn't he preaching to me about responsibility, being spoiled and ungrateful? I set this appt because HE has issues with my parenting and our son, and I was totally willing to hear them out because I know I need to be better with the chores! Oh well, his loss. I tried and that's all I can do.

What do you think? Respond or just stay mysteriously quiet? I am sure he is expecting a bashing

[2Times2Many]

M ... I'd go with mysteriously quiet. He'll bring it up at some point and all I would say is, "I'm disappointed" and bite my tongue to avoid adding, "in you."

[mleigh4]

I stayed quiet. He just sent TM saying sorry again, that it wasn't his plan, to let him know if I go back and he will go, and to let him know if I got any advice. So, I replied, the appointment was pointless without him there, that my hope was to have someone help us to compromise on our differing parenting styles, I added the advice I got was it's normal for things to be different when living in 2 different homes, to talk with S, explain it's the way it is, and he needs to respect our individual rules and expectations.

I can see him rolling his eyes, seriously. If he has one single negative response any further, I will remind him he had his chance, I made the effort and it did not work out. If he feels the need for more than that, he can make the appt and tell me where and when because after 9 years, we have not been able to work it out on our own.

Honestly, he is the one with the issues, things are fine in my house with S! He continues to do his chores with no problem. I will no longer be listening or responding to H whining about S other than, sorry that's happened.

[mleigh4]

He replied he knows the appt would have been better if he was there with unhappy faces.

I answered I was disappointed it didn't work out, then joked, he had his chance to tell her all the horrible mothering things I do and that I was willing to listen! I said, needless to say, I did my part and tried.

Finally, I said, by the way, S got straight A's again and sent pics of his report card I got today.

Idiot. Sorry, have to say it. I know, I sound like a mother scolding her kid, it actually feels that way, but I don't feel like just smiling and being silent. Not after the grief he gives me about S. I just wanted to put that out there to him, basically warning, I don't want to hear it anymore.

Enough of that! S got straight A's for the second time in a row!!! Reading at 6th grade level in 3rd grade!! Hmmmm, who thinks Minecraft has something to do with that?

[Sotto]

Hi MLeigh, that is disappointing and I'm sorry he was a no show. Perhaps without a reminder, he was a little foggy on remembering the appointment? I'm not trying to defend him, just thinking about my own experience with my H...

Hopefully you guys will be able to coparent constructively without that input. But if that becomes challenging, maybe you could revisit this again? I do wonder whether he might have felt pretty vulnerable about being in the counselling situation. And rather than be assertive about it, he has just demurred from coming, due to commitments?

Anyways, I would just accept that it seems not to be an option for now and be willing to participate in future if he suggests you guys revisit it.

Take care xx

[job]

I'm not surprised he didn't show. I'm truly sorry he didn't go. So, if he starts up again about counseling, I would suggest that he make the appointment and go. I think you handled the situation well and I know you really bit your tongue when you told him about it.

I might be wrong, but I don't think he forgot about the appointment. He's had ample time to reschedule things that were on his calendar or he could have advised the people he was meeting w/that he had another appointment. Sometimes they want things scheduled/done and then don't show up for a variety of reasons...but I bet anything, he was afraid of what the counselor would say and he didn't want to hear it. Again, I may be wrong...but he just doesn't give me the impression he forgot.

I would continue as you have been and next time he spews about your son, shut him down. You've gone above and beyond catering to him about this situation.

[job]

I want to come back and revisit my last paragraph. When I said "catering", I am referring to trying to keep the peace over and over again about co-parenting. As the counselor pointed out, each household will most likely operate differently and it's going to take some time for your son to learn to adapt to the changes, but also your h is going to have to learn to be flexible and not set high expectations of what he thinks a little boy should be expected to do. The next time he spews, remind him that maybe it's time that he went to see the counselor about his expectations of his son are when he's co-parenting, i.e., you've already been there and done that.

You truly have gone above and beyond trying to co-parent in a nice way. Seriously, the next time he spews about your son, shut him down. Your son is a little boy who is trying to find his way in the world and should be enjoying life a bit and not having to live up to expectations of his father which are being projected on to him.

[mleigh4]

Hi Sotto, I purposely did not remind H. I did that because of his preaching to me about responsibility, ungratefulness and laziness. I knew I was taking a chance on him with this appt, it was all something I needed to prove to myself. That he is the one living and having these issues, not me. It was for me.

Job, you gave me something to really chew on there. H could very well be projecting on S the problems he sees in himself. It makes sense. How can I protect S from that???

I talked to S last night about 2 different houses, different rules and the importance of respecting both parents. He was in a playing mood, so he made comments about not listening to daddy and not going over there, he was laughing. Honestly, he was being silly, so I will revisit that at a better time.

[HaWho]

Mleigh - I see my h doing the same sort of thing. He talks the talk but he doesn't walk the walk. I suspect as Job says your h was a bit scared of facing a counselor. I think once the counselor took the basic facts, the lens might quickly focus on your h and probably justifiably so?

As for what you can do to protect your son from this, I recommend validating him a LOT! And, validate him through your h. I have started to show my h how to parent. For example, s has a good report card. So at drop off, in front of both of them you tousle son's hair and say: "we are so proud of how hard you work at school! All your effort shows!" H comes to pick up son at your house and you show h some chore son did and say in front of son: "we are so proud of how hard you worked at x. We appreciate how you help out." You kill 2 birds with one stone: you validate son and teach h how to properly parent. Just something to consider. I suspect it is projection and your h doesn't have strong parenting skills.

And, I might consider throwing a joking truth dart at h for the missed appt. in due time. Next time he projects onto s about responsibility I might smile and say: "this coming from the person who was a no-show at a scheduled appt!!" And then kind of laugh and walk out the room cheerfully. I think the trick is to make it light. They have no self wawareness and maybe he needs a little help here? It's pretty ridiciculous that he doesn't see it.

Thinking of you.

[mleigh4]

Thanks Hawho, I really like your ideas. Especially validating S in front of H.....although it may tick H off, but I will try it. More than anything, I want my son to know how proud I am of his accomplishments, especially his school grades.

I am ready and waiting for H next parenting spew...a part of me wants to address things now, questions I had for him in the appt...such as...

What traits are you seeing in S that leads you to think he will end up irresponsible and lazy?

What specific issues are you having with S?

What specifically do you want to see from me?

They are honest questions I have because I truly don't understand what sets him off, unless it really comes down to his self projection. S is a 9 year old child getting near perfect grades and helping out around the house. What more does H want? We both work hard for everything we have, H and I are both far from lazy hippies. What would make him think our son would turn out like that?

I would love to ask, but worried about opening up a can of worms to begin another bash session from him. Might be best to wait and bring it up during his next tantrum?

I am home on my lunchbreak and Grammy and S just stopped by to get his computer. I decided to do a test. I got out S report card and showed her. She was quiet, read it over, said this is what report cards look like now? I said, in front of S, we are very proud of how hard you worked to get those grades. She just giggled and said, yes, we are.

That was it.

She downplayed straight A's like I have never seen, my co-workers were more excited!