Baby steps

[Painter]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Zues. I started this reply hours ago, but had to interrupt, so hoping it's not very disjointed. (I feel disjointed tonight.)

I have told H several times over the last few months that I have noticed the change in him, that he is much less angry, and also that we are having better conversations than ever before. I have said that I realize it's been a real effort that he has made consistently over some time now, and that I very much appreciate it and it has made things so much better. That it has given me hope.

Yesterday it was back to the old behavior, with the added coldness and blaming that entered the picture at the time of the A. And I have noticed repeatedly that it happens after we get closer.

One of the greatest difficulties I have in the R with H is that his reactions depend so much on his mood. The exact same thing can elicit completely different reactions depending on his mood and who did what.

You are right that he feels that I don't hear him - it is hard when he's hurling accusations that seem very unfair (he starts there, there is no escalation from a conversation > discussion > argument, he starts out in full rant mode on the top of his lungs. Imagine a military drill sergeant reaming out recruits.)

In this particular case, I was telling him that because I had built up a little surplus in my business account, I could help pay an expense he thought would be all on him. My mistake was to mention in passing a $25 business expense I have that he doesn't agree with.
He immediately started yelling and raging about it and went on for a full 15 minutes, which then turned into a rant about me not having a full-time job and all the income we could have had if I had worked for the last 10 years.

(Knowing what I know now, I would have preferred that, too. He could have paid for care for his mother, and I could have earned Social Security for myself.)

I used to have 2-3 jobs before we married, and I have always worked from home - still do. I have other opportunities for income that I am developing.

H feels that the work I do from home, doesn't count. He feels that I am making bad choices when it comes to the other things I pursue, and that it's just a repeat of what he perceives as past failures. He thinks that because my preferred jobs center around helping people, they are 'too altruistic'. He feels burdened with being the breadwinner. He has a sense of urgency when it comes to the finances, but we're not in a crisis and he has a *very* good income. Our financial situation has improved a lot over the last couple of years after a dip from when he was laid off, and it will keep improving (even in spite of any S/D). He is very angry over being unable to retire, which is due to poor choices he made a few years ago, against my wishes, but he blames on me not having had steady, high income during the M (which I couldn't get in this area).

He expresses resentment over choices going back over a decade. He remembers telling me I never had to work unless I wanted to, but 'things changed'. He doesn't think he can get past the resentment.

On my side, I know this: H likes to spend - a lot. This is a pattern that goes back to way before we met. I was never comfortable putting my foot down on the spending exactly because he was the breadwinner and we were adults when we married.

In reality, H would have taken any increased family income as an opportunity to buy more expensive, bigger toys and gadgets. He spends it all and more as soon as it comes in.

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After I typed the above, we had an interesting conversation where he said that he's just following his feelings from moment to moment. The reason he acted so affectionate and warm after we decided to split, was because he felt he could relax because I'm moving out. So it basically meant nothing in relation to the R, it was just that he could enjoy it without any commitment attached to it.

I asked him if he realized how confusing that was to me, that he suddenly gave me everything I've been begging for as soon as we had agreed that I would move out. He said he didn't realize that was all I had wanted. (Now who's not listening?)

When I said that I didn't think that was fair to me, to pull me back in with affection when I had already asked him to please not to do that unless he really meant something by it, because it made it that much more painful for me to detach again afterwards, he looked at me and said, 'It sounds so different coming from your side.'

I honestly don't see where we go from here. He will not go to MC. He wants me to move out.