Rednail- Me, Myself, and I

[mustardseed]

I really feel like once I have a FULL time job, I would be more ready to file on my own. I'm scared, very scared to be alone. I know it is coming, and that I am already alone, but well you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean. I have been there. You are in a different state then me and I am sure there are differences. The entire process is so inefficient and unfair. You spend a ton of money just to get back half of what you used to have.

Talk to your lawyer (and maybe even get a second opionion) my first lawyer made things sound hopeless--like I just have to smile and except what is about to happen to me and not make things worse. After the OOP I found a new lawyer. A firm that deals only with D. They were more expensive, but much more knowledgeable and hopeful. They laid it out as it is. They don't give me false hope but pretty much say--this is what a judge will think of this situation. This is what we need to negotiate up from. So far my divorce has cost me more than my wedding--the OP added additional expense to deal with. Luckily I have financial help. But really, if you are going to pay for someone to represent you--make sure they have your back and they are not just looking for easy cash.

Divorce is pretty cut and dry in a lot of ways--child support is a formula, alimony is a formula--and that makes lawyers who specialize in non D cases decide to do it on the side for some easy money without much work. I see a huge difference in how much attention my new L does compared to the last one. They call out L's on their BS, they don't allow stalling. They are honest about what your worst case scenario, your most realistic scenario, and the best case scenario with examples of proper arguments to provide a decent starting point for negotiations. I didn't get any of that from my last lawyer.

Anyway, I am telling you this, because I don't think you should wait to get a full time job before filing. I also don't think you should hold off on finding a job until you file. I think what you need is the most realistic picture of what your after M life will be to make the best case for you. A part time job that provides free child care and gives you schedule that best works with your kids' right now is ideal! It shows you are willing to work, that you are helping by saving on childcare costs (a HUGE DEAL!! and something that should be considered), and that in order to provide that for your family (and save WH some money) you sacrifice in income. Your income will come into play with your alimony. Your reasons for taking a lower income job are completely valid--and that child care cost is valid. Child support is pretty standard and legally binding. He is a fool if he thinks he can talk you out of that because at any point in time while the kids are minors you can go and fight for it. Unless it varies from state to state, that is pretty non-negotiable. However, your income plays a part in determining that, and as the mother and the one who has sacrificed her career for the kids your earning potential is lower and should be considered.

If I had filed last year (which I sometimes wish I could tell my old self to do) one thing that would have been different was I was making about the same as WH even though for the majority of the marriage I was making less than 1/3. And I lost that job--I only had it for 8 months. My saving grace is that it happened over two tax years so each year my W2 only contained 4 months of that job. For 8 months of that 15 year marriage I made almost as much as him and that is why he thinks he doesn't need to provide any support. Last year I thought I was set--I could support myself and my kids. Then I was unemployed, and a few weeks later--homeless (well I have family so I wasn't really homeless but it was a temporary situation and one that gave him a stronger case for full custody).

I think you need to talk to a few lawyers, some the specialize in divorce. Get the full picture. Tell them that you are afraid of letting him be in control of where you live and that you want to find a way to be on your own with your kids--not living under his roof. Don't ever negotiate child support--that is his legal obligation to his kids--not to you. And that is a formula. I my state for 2 kids it is 25%, and then some math to even out based on each parent's salary. You can spend that money on housing for them, food for them, utilities. Anything that they benefit from. That is what child support is for. Alimony is to help even out your incomes and is limited in years based on the amount of time you have been married and and in amount based on your earning potential.

So don't wait until you have big numbers to file, even though you might feel more secure, it can effect the support you receive. However, also don't pass on any job solely because you want to get the most out of him you can. That will be vindictive. You making less, yet saving money in child care is realistic and valuable. If you get a full time job and end up not being able to keep it because of your maternal obligations--you don't want to be locked into that number.