Rednail- Me, Myself, and I

[mustardseed]

I apologize I ran out of time and ended up cutting my post short.

2) disclosing information to H. I say don't give him any info unless he asks. Yes he will find out, either through the kids or through the disclosure process if you get to that point. However, right now any piece of your life you share with him is feeding him. If he asks about it just say "yes" and leave it at that. If he is like my H then I would say you are better off not telling him you want him to wait until after S3 Bday. All that does is give him information he will try to use to get to you. Prepare for what the news of your job might do.

To elaborate on #2 something my WH does is seems so agreeable. He will ask a harmless question, being friendly, being amicable, being a "genuine stand-up guy" and I answer it cheerfully, because really what's the big deal and I am glad we are being peaceful. And he will seem encouraging, positive, supportive almost (although he never really says anything, it is all body language). And then later, sometimes later that day, sometimes days or weeks later WHAM. That harmless piece of information I shared with him gets thrown at me in some almost unrecognizable form. Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind there is a laboratory where Dr Frankenstein gets to work altering these pieces of information, stitching together any random bit he comes across, and keeping it in a bell jar for when it is useful for him.

What I learned is that he will get the info he wants, just not from me. I will not allow him to use my words against me anymore. The less I say the better. So who cares if he finds out about your job--he will, it is public knowledge, but him finding out isn't as big an issue as him getting the info from you. He wants to know that you still are sharing your life with him while he keeps his secret. When he finds out he will probably feel like he got something on you. But your attitude shouldn't be that you are keeping secret from him, but instead that he is no longer someone to whom you feel compelled to share aspects of your life with.

So don't tell him. Don't lie if he asks, Don't making him think that this info has any weight at all in his life.

3) Just some insight into where I am now and when I look back on where I was a year ago. I wish I filed. I wish I got the divorce rolling and stopped trying to believe things could get fixed. I would have been in a much better situation, I wouldn't have lost so much and the fight wouldn't have been about just trying to get half of it back. I know in the end the law is pretty cut and dried and he will have to pay, but the process of getting there right now requires some major see-saw action. I lost it all, he had it all. Now I have nothing to do be gain and he has nothing to do but lose which gives him zero incentive to move things along.

If I had just gone ahead and started the process it would probably have been more civil and less turmoil for everyone. However, I know that if I were to go back in time and tell my last year's self that I had to be the one to start he process I probably still wouldn't have listened. So take that advice and do with it what you need to. At the very least be on guard. This part of DBing is about getting yourself to a place where you can stand on your own. You want to get to a place where you aren't clinging to his promises and control tactics because it gives you security. Once you get there you can truly assess if the marriage is worth saving rather than just the more familiar and secure seeming option. I am still terrified about being able to make it on my own, but one thing I know now is that I sure as hell am going to put all I have left into getting to that point, because the worst thing for me now is to be dependent on him in any way.

There is a wave coming. Use it. The under the table job. Keep to yourself.

This came out very cryptic because I was cut sure, but I have been kind of caught up in this metaphor for a while now and it is helping me. When I think about my situation I think about what it is like to be out in the ocean passed the break. Since my teen years I had grown terrified of waves even though I loved to swim in the ocean when I was a kid. It wasn't until last summer when I took my first surf lesson that I decided to face my fear.

For those of you who have never swam in the ocean, up by me the waves break on an angle and can be quite unpredictable. We don't usually get those nice rolling waves that I have experienced in other parts of the country. So when you go out in the water you either hang out by the foam and let the waves cover your feet, or you go to the break and let it toss you around a bit--to me the scariest place to be, or you can get passed the break and just float and swim and let the waves gently rock you. That was always my favorite place to hang out as a kid, because there wasn't a constant alert but there was just enough excitement. That is also where you hang out when you are surfing waiting to catch a wave.

While you are hanging out there are waiting and watching. Looking to see what is coming. Most of the time the waves are uneventful, it is a time to relax and enjoy the peace and the sun and the moment. Other waves can be quite intimidating, maybe they are breaking too early or you won't be able to swim out to avoid the break so you need to just go under and let it pass over you to avoid being tossed these can cause panic but if you are prepared to give up a bit of control it will pass over you and you will be just fine. and others are coming right at you ready to take you back to sure if you are prepared to spring into action. You are ready for them, and when you catch it just right it can be absolutely exhileration.

I needed to rely on an instructor to help me gauge the waves during my surf lesson. My more experienced cousin who was taking the lesson with me had gotten to the point by the end of her lesson where she was able to predict which waves were worth riding with minimal guidance.

And right now, when it comes to interacting with H and dealing with aspects of my sitch I am starting to look at them as waves. I know they are coming. I don't always know which waves can carry me to shore and which I need to avoid. But I have learned to enjoy the moment and keep watch. And I am getting better at gauging.

This moment with your job, this is a wave worth catching and riding out. When he finds out it will be another wave. But you know it is coming. You might not quite know what kind of wave it is, so it is best of you prepare to just let it pass over you.