When she left you, she removed herself from certain advantages of being M to you. Would you agree? Do you believe you should still provide and protect, although she claims she doesn't want it?
You are a nice-guy who is telling himself he would be doing this for his kids. You want to be a good role model. What exactly are you teaching them? That a woman can disrespect her H, be unfaithful, walk out on the M........and he is suppose to cater to her needs?
Truthfully, much of this are you really afraid of looking like a jerk if you don't give her the car? Only now........you are feeling that maybe you should sell it in order to provide her with the means of getting her a car.
How much of this did she consider when she chose to leave you? Where so you draw the line of protecting and providing?
You know how I can always tell when a man is a nice-guy? B/c he always tries to find an excuse for doing it. And if he can't find one that he thinks will justify, then he will fall back on doing it for the kids.
I am probably the only woman on the board who would see you in any way other than being a wonderful father to his children b/c you went without your car in order for your WW to have it. Maybe it's b/c I see through the nice-guyness? Maybe b/c I know she has to experience the tough side of reality before she begins to really change her mindset? Whatever, I don't think this will get you closer to reconciliation. And if you come back with another excuse..........your nice-guyness will be shining brighter.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi, I have been going over this in my head for several days and going from one side to the other. I understand what you are saying. No car it is then. Thanks
Ok, so W has contacted me for the first time since she left 2 weeks ago. She wants to talk about school holidays and closures. Also she thinks she left her passport at the house and wants me to look for it or come by the house to look for it.
Any suggestions. Should I meet her at a neutral location to talk, or do it by email etc?
Had replied to W's email just explaining the kids schedule around my work. Told her I would be picking the kids up from her on Saturday as normal. Her response was to say she would bring the kids to the house as she wanted to look for her passport. I hadn't responded when I had another email saying when she came by she would talk me through a parents evening she was at last night. I find it interesting that she suggested 3 times in 2 days that she wanted to come by the house. She also wants to move our D3 to the daycare in the village she now lives in, something I have already said I will not be agreeing to at the moment.
For the last 2 weeks, since she left, I have dropped off her grid. I have deactivated my Facebook account for awhile, I have not been in contact with any of our joint friends. Have hung out with new friends I have made recently. I have not contacted her with anything outside of the children and even then kept it light and short. I have been working some more on our/my house (not always sure how I should call it), some things the kids have seen and I'm sure told her about and some more things they haven't yet.
My plan ahead was not to have her at the house this weekend. I will pick up the kids as normal and give her some paperwork of hers she left behind. I plan on emailing the plans tomorrow and will also say that I'm not agreeing to move D3 as I feel it's best for her to stay where she is and that she can write me anything important from the parents evening.
Si, do you have a separation agreement in place? If not, I suggest you contact a lawyer ASAP. These should all be worked out legally. Why does your WW need her passport? Is there a chance she will take your kids abroad? I would keep her away from the house if you can. Did you change the locks?
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Hi CWOL, we don't have a legal separation agreement in place but I have been in contact with a lawyer. At the minute it is suggested to work something out civilly which we have done. Where we are, there is 'cool down' period of one year before divorce can be iniatiated. She is having the kids more at the moment just because I am very busy at work.
I guess she wants her passport as she has moved all her stuff out, she can't take the kids abroad without a signed letter from me as they have my surname, not hers.
Yes, if you could work things out with her civilly then I think you are fine. I would keep her away from the house unless you are also there to keep an eye on what she's taking.
I'm going to face this scenario myself very soon :-(
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
We had been building a house and one of the things she has said was we were not making enough progress, that I wanted to wait to really nice stuff, that even a few light fixtures would have been enough. Nothing to say, she hadn't picked any out that she liked either. Anyway, I have since put in 2 light fixtures, a mirror, a new unit for the kids toys and a new dresser for my D. (W took the one from D room when she left). The kids have seen these changes and am sure have told her. I have made some more changes since also. Partly, I think she wants to be nosy as to what I have been doing here.
We had been building a house and one of the things she has said was we were not making enough progress, that I wanted to wait to really nice stuff, that even a few light fixtures would have been enough. Nothing to say, she hadn't picked any out that she liked either. Anyway, I have since put in 2 light fixtures, a mirror, a new unit for the kids toys and a new dresser for my D. (W took the one from D room when she left). The kids have seen these changes and am sure have told her. I have made some more changes since also. Partly, I think she wants to be nosy as to what I have been doing here.
I guess it could be an opportunity for you to show off your DB progress. I wouldn't let her in by herself though.
I have the same home improvement struggles with WW. She wanted to renovate our house for years. However, she is a terrible procrastinator and has horrible self-confidence. She works 15 hours a week while I work a fulltime job. So I told her, on your days off why don't you go look at what you'd like to do to the house? She did one appointment then gave up. Then she blames me for the house falling apart. She complains I'm not involved, etc. I keep thinking, I'm the one that's working 50+ hours a week, why can't she interview the contractors first then I can just sign off??? I'm OK with spending the money...
This is one of the big problems in my marriage, WW being passive-aggressive about things.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
The thing that gets me the most is the anger, I know it can be born from the resentment but it's verging on the ridiculous with my W. I know many are hurting and, trust me, I have been too but lately I have found it to be almost laughable at her behaviour. I'm not trying to belittle anyone's situation, this is one of the hardest experiences I have been going through.
My latest is I responded to her email saying that I i wouldn't be agreeing to moving our D to a different daycare. They are only 2 km apart, I don't see the need other than one being open an hour longer. I have stated that I believe it's important for D to have some stability during this situation. I have stated that I would be willing revisit this in the summer after D has had to settle again. This naturally produced a heated response, I am not backing down though.
I also suggested that the information she had from the parent evening, she could write it to me by email. One of her reasons for leaving was that she said she didn't feel good around me and has said to some (who are not here) that she is scared of me. Hence, I gave her the option of not having to see me. Again I got a hostile response stating that if I wanted written info, to speak to the school and that she had hoped we could have had an informal chat (whatever that means). Why does she want to be near me or around me, when she has now got what she wanted and left?? I suggested that if she wanted to chat, we could meet at a neutral venue for a coffee or something, I have had no response to that...
I understand there is no logic or rational thinking while she is in this mess but like I said, I found her to be almost laughable. Maybe I'm finally getting this detaching thing..
