My first post - please be nice.

[broke]

I wish you would get involved in the debate because you are a great case study in why finding out the truth once and for all independently from simply asking and trusting your "separating spouse" is so important. I'm not looking to trigger you but think back to all those days and nights you were trying to say and do just the right thing to understand and change your situation. Think back to having to sit there and explain to your children how their mother and father still love them and each other but are just going to separate for awhile and hopefully not divorce. How if you'd only known the truth you would have handled things so much differently and not just let your ex-husband ease himself gently out of your life while you were forced to beg and watch appeasing his delusions at every turn while being lied to to your face.

The reason I don't want to jump into the fray is because I think it is a personal choice - some people want to know while others really don't. I think others would prefer that they never knew and the A just ended (I have a friend like this). I wanted to know because of all the turmoil he was putting me through at the beginning. But I want to caution Collin that I thought 2 things: 1. that I could just walk away knowing he cheated because that is a deal breaker for me (so I thought) and 2) I thought he would leave her and come back to me once the secret was out (he didn't). So, Collin has to be prepared for whatever consequences come with snooping. Also, my H and I are nowhere near reconciling - I would hate to give advice that would be counterproductive to Collin be able to repair his M. I would never want to be responsible for pushing him further toward D.

That's not to mention the torture of knowing but not knowing.

I chose to snoop but it really didn't help or hurt my situation until I told the OW's H. Then, my H filed and bought a home for himself. Knowing made me extremely angry and it did help some that I knew that was real reason the M was in trouble (although I am responsible for 50% of the demise of the M - he can take blame for taking us off the cliff for the A). But, in the end, I knew I still wanted to reconcile if he was remorseful. He isn't. So, didn't change much for me in the long run.

I hope you aren't keeping his secrets anymore and your children know the truth about their father and his paramour....lest they end up walking in his footsteps. Family secrets have a way of repeating themselves generationally.

Lol - the reason the H got busted is because my sons say an "I love you" text from the OW. Even though H lied his way out of it, my sons don't believe him. They hate the OW. Our family and friends know. Although I am not sure I recommend going and telling the world about the PA. That is also a choice. I think it will make it harder for H to get over his pride (he won't want to admit the D happened because of A - he wants to follow through to show we had problems anyway and that we still divorced). Also, it will be hard for me to take him back because I told everyone. I have pride, too.

Another reason you should be a proponent of Collin (and all BS's) simply investigating and ascertaining whether their spouse is or is not cheating is due to the fact you probably still don't know the full extent of what happened. Sure you busted him eventually...but it's not like he told you everything (or if he says he did...that you believe him). The best time to get the full honest truth about your spouses infidelity is doing so yourself with some good spy gadgets WHILE IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Again...snooping forever where you are trying to monitor the affair is counterproductive. I'm not advocating that. Just hurry up and bust them and then fight for your marriage honestly.

I don't believe anything my H says. The little I know came from bits and pieces that I got from OW's H when I gave him the news and what little my H admitted to. He is a liar and a cheater - I believe nothing and won't until we get in front of counselor. Otherwise, I hired a very good L to protect my interests. Just stinks he's so expensive.

Finally....some spouse divorce simply because the wayward doesn't think the betrayed spouse would ever forgive them if they knew the truth and/or they know that recovery without the truth is impossible and they refuse to disclose their secret. Simply busting the secret affair and dealing with the situation at hand (because deny all you want the situation is what it is) makes the chances of recovery 10, 20....100 times more likely.

Even though I know my H was having a PA, when I was pursuing him for reconciliation, he still said I would never forgive him. He repeated over and over again that he knows me better than I know myself and I would never forgive him. He may be right, but I'd like the chance to try.

Collin's wife may very well be keeping it a secret because her love interest is married too. She's maybe more scared he will get busted (and end the affair) versus concern for herself.

My H was definitely more concerned about his OW's H finding out than me. This may very well be true. Hopefully, with all the information I supplied here, Collin can make an informed decision. He an also reach out to me with any questions and I am happy to answer them.