Let me clarify. If she starts asking you relationship questions and you feel if you don't answer you will push her away and she will just stay away. Then you need to be able let her know it is something you would consider meaning a reconciliation but there are a lot of things that need to be figured out.
You can't let her know that just because she said she wants back that you are just waiting. She needs to know this is a two way street
Think about your feeling just taking her back right away then you have to deal with the thoughts of what she did to you come rushing in. That will be very difficult.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Update: Sunday text from W: I am so sorry. Me 5 hours later: Want to talk? Her: Can we have coffee this week? Me: I have a big interview tomorrow. How about Tuesday or Wed? Then on Monday, her: Will you be available this evening to talk? Me: What do you want to talk about? W: Maybe it's not such a good idea to talk. I have no real topic. Me:OK, Want to just stare off into space? (smiley face) W: Seriously (red cheeked smiley)
So I called W yesterday and left a message about having lunch or a hike. She texted back, basically that she's really busy at work now. I did not respond.
Today she called me. She did most of the talking: I know we've both been wanting to talk and we should do that. I don't know where you are since about a month ago (when I told her to leave me alone and then a mutual friend called and told her I was really upset and at the doctor's... ugh). (I'm pretty sure she was wondering what I'm feeling vis a vis her/us, but I didn't say anything.) She said she has been doing a lot of yard work and enjoying it, and felt proud of herself for figuring out how to turn on the water so she could water everything. (She just kept talking and I didn't want to interrupt her so I couldn't really validate.) She said it made her remember again how much I did for us. I just said, yeah. Said she appreciates me so much more now... and hopes I feel the same about her. I said, yes, I've been doing a lot of work. She mentioned again how busy she is with work right now, and doing some traveling for work. She's emceeing a big event tonight and said she's nervous about it, because it's "a big deal". I said I wish I could be there. W: I know, you would always be there to support me. (Dang, I was hoping for an invitation. It's a fun event!!) She asked if I sent the coffee cup pic to her by mistake last week, and I said no, that I was sending her coffee in bed because I knew she was out of town --(said with a smile. btw t's what I would always do when we went to these events). (BTW I know NOT from spying -- it's something she goes to every year, and I would often accompany her.) (Again, I think she was trying to temp check me.) Some small talk, then again at the end: we really should talk, not now. Me: yeah, I have to get to work. I said take care or something, and she said: "ILY too." !!!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Wonka? Are you around? I'd love to hear from you and get some advice.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
So I guess my thought is this: If this is working for you, great.
I wonder, though, are you doing this as part of a systematic plan? Are you experimenting to see what works and what doesn't? Are you keeping a journal with goals and methods and results (like a science project)? Because if you do, I support that.
Or are you following your urges, breaking the NC when you feel like it, pursuing when you can't resist? That's a very different approach, because that's not really a method with stated goals.
Either way, at this point, I'd do nothing. Except be visible around town, look fabulous, and stay busy with GAL'ing. You've done a lot of pursuing and I'd step back if I were you.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I agree with Painter. Don't push too much or you will scare her back into her cave. You made it 8 days with NC and then had some contact initiated by her and you jumped right back in it. She knows you are ready to come back at a moment's notice. You want her to miss you, want you back and be willing to put in the work it will take to make your relationship the best it can be. Because it is going to be very hard, so you want her to want the M as much as you do. Give it some time - keep DB'ing. I think you saw some positive signs, but don't make her have second thoughts about you by pursuing. Let her be by herself and let her have second thoughts because she is missing NY. Just my opinion….
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I am seeing what works. I have mixed results with NC, good results with the occasional text, and bad results when we have R talks and I let her know I want the R back. I also have bad results when I resist her request for R talks. So I'm going to wait for her to contact me again about talking. And I will take it very, very slow.
But tomorrow I'm also going to send her the song I always play for her on St. Patrick's morning. Unless the consensus is DON'T!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal, this is for vets or even a coach. I know about practicing my DBing, but what to do once it's working? How do you start that road back?
My heart would say send the song, my brain would be saying do what's been working dummy!
I don't know if not sending my WW any sort of message regarding the 35th anniversary of our first date was good or bad. But that momentary spot of sunshine Friday was doused out and I saw an ugly, vengeful WW in court yesterday just 4 days later. One that has literally doubled down.
In the end, I'd be leery of sending that song - especially if you think your W expects it. She needs to miss you and the little things are a huge part of that.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
I do not think you should send it. You have jumped when she asked and have done some pursuing. All of which is paying off for you somewhat, it seems. However, if she was temp checking and you send her the song it she will know she has you. I would point out Sandi's rule about not pointing out what was good in the R. Sending the song is kind of the same thing.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
