Baby steps

[Zues126]

I actually felt like H was reaching out - he was giving me all the affection I had asked for, kept his anger under control, apologized for things, told me he wouldn't stop trying when I asked why he was being so nice after I said I would move out. He kept inviting me very nicely (no pressure) to come sleep in his bedroom.

I agree. He seems to be reaching out.

For the most part, since the A, he has been much less angry - it has been a 180 for him, although he doesn't know what a 180 is. It's a change he has made. He is also much more open to conversation and is expressing himself much more.

I think it's ok to tell him this at some point. Approval, affirmation, acceptance...this is the predominant male need. If he gets the perception that you consider him immoral, immature, unreasonable, going through MLC, and that because of that you look down on him and dismiss him as a man and dismiss his views and needs as unreasonable or dysfunctional, he will likely withdraw and disconnect. If he feels that you view him as an equal, as a strong life partner, a whole person, with valid views and needs that should be represented and weighed even if you don't see it the same, he will feel respected, safe, and ultimately closer and able to open up more. This isn't "aimed" at you as I have no idea whether you've acknowledged this or not, just sharing general thoughts.

Tonight I got the backlash - irritable and firing questions at me impatiently, sudden anger and raging at me, putting me down, telling me how I've let him down...
...But it's very, very painful to be on the receiving end of such anger after having made myself vulnerable again. My gut reaction is to get far, far away. I'm thinking about maybe not being home when he gets home from work, but I have a conference call that I would prefer to have in my home office so I don't know if it's possible.

NO ONE should be subjected to this. I'm sorry you have felt so attacked and unsafe.

I definitely agree you should set some firm boundaries. If you feel attacked and unsafe you should be able to remove yourself from the situation without responding or escalating (good job!).

I don't think the answer is distancing or being unavailable. I don't see how this will improve the situation as it denies the opportunity for positive interactions as well. The goal should be to welcome the positives and abort the negatives.

FROM JU: They are having little temper tantrums and I don't get it. Yet they say crap like " I haven't stopped trying". Can someone explain the psychology behind it?

I don't think this is anything about animosity, power, punishment, or anything like that.

My take on this is that H feels *dismissed*. People raise their voices when they feel that they aren't being heard. This can be either because their partner truly isn't hearing what they're saying, or more often because their partner is dismissing or minimizing it.

Note her reaction to H's outburst:

Tonight I got the backlash - irritable and firing questions at me impatiently, sudden anger and raging at me, putting me down, telling me how I've let him down (financially by not being able to get a full-time job, although he said before we married that I wouldn't have to work and I did land a part-time job last fall), rewriting history, blaming, making me feel like I am nothing and have no worth. It was a verbal beating that left me feeling devastated.

I told him that I felt this was a repeat of a pattern - we get close and he pushes me away again - which just made him angrier.

Does this seem to be validating?

Now, I already posted she shouldn't put up with verbal assault. So the part where she said nothing was being accomplished and she needed to end the conversation is absolutely spot on.

As for the content of what he's saying, though...this isn't validating. It seems to me she thinks H is unreasonable, hypocritical (debating the work issue), minimizing/dismissive ('rewriting history'), and focused on her dislike of his delivery. And I can see why he'd be upset with you saying 'the pattern is repeating', in his mind the pattern is repeating because you dismiss the needs he is voicing to you. And the same way that it hurts you to open up and then to be raged at, it hurts him to open up and then be dismissed.

It IS a cycle. He feels he isn't being heard and raises his voice. She gets upset that he's raising his voice and doesn't hear him. You know what I mean.

Not an easy spot for sure. I agree protecting yourself is a top priority. But I also agree that he's reaching out. I think if you place more of an emphasis on hearing what he's saying, validating him, and then acting as if what he's telling you about his experience, feelings, and needs, is every bit as true and real as yours, you will break the cycle.

What message is he trying to communicate that he feels is not getting through? What are the underlying needs that aren't being met that are causing him to feel so wounded? Are these issues worth divorcing for or is there some validity to them?

I felt compelled to post because this is so similar to my M. XW decided I was angry, unsafe, unreasonable, diagnosed me with a few FOO/personality disorders, then divorced me. That's one road. There is another.