My first post - please be nice.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Bulldog,
I guess I really don't understand my plan of attack. Because (i know don't believe half of what she says and all of what she does) she's pretty much explicitly said that she IS moving out. I don't know if I tried to change to her mind if it would do any good or just hurt. Because when I do try to talk her about it, she claims I don't respect her or her decision to move out.

So, it may be wrong way to approach it. But i've just been using this time as a waiting period, a calm before the storm if you would. Then once she leaves, start dating my wife the way I should've been doing. I'll take her out, take her home, walk her to her door and tell her goodnight.

She's throwing mixed signals to me though. She's talking about there's a reason why they give you a year, so you can try to work it out. Then, on the other hand, she says,why don't you want me to be happy? what if i meet someone and find someone who shows me he loves me? I told her then, I don't know if you feel like you need to go live the single life and go dating or whatever, but that's not what i'm going to do. I'm going to take this time to work on me, to make me a better me, to be a better husband for you. She then was like, i never said i was going to go looking for date. I told her well guys just don't fall out of the sky (and then yes, i had "it's raining men" stuck in my head for a while after that).

And, for what it's worth...she still is agreeing to go to counseling (once she's moved). So, I guess I still have that to hold on to. That even with her moving out, counseling is still on the table. I just don't want to press my luck and press the issue and then her not want to go to counseling.

I think (my opinion - but I am certainly open to others) that my best bet now is to not do anything to make her mad. Not try to pursue anything. Just sort of be a really good roommate for now. Help cook, clean, take care of dogs, take daughter places, etc... So when she moves out, she'll be like..."well dang...now what?"

My affair alarm bells are going off even stronger right now.

why don't you want me to be happy? what if i meet someone and find someone who shows me he loves me?

That is basically telling you her game plan.....she intends to move out and then suddenly [sooner than she realizes] announce that she's met someone new that loves her for her and makes her very happy and to heck with anyone and everyone else that doesn't want her to be happy....because she's EARNED happiness [entitlement].

Problem is....she already knows and has a close relationship with this person.

I'm not suggesting you do anything to make her mad. Just behind the scenes very carefully and without getting caught snoop on her for a short period of time to inspect what you expect. Talking to her about it won't accomplish anything but denials and feigned anger and then blame shifting the problems on you. If you let on that you are super suspicious she may take the affair underground and make it even harder to catch her. IF she's cheating...you need to know because plan appeasement as evidence by your words:

"I think that my best bet now is to not do anything to make her mad"

Doesn't work.

I know you are scared and nervous. I know you are walking on eggshells right now and trying desperately to logic your way through this. Right now you are fighting a battle for your marriage. In war....information is paramount. You need to SITREP the battlefield before you prepare and implement a faulty battle plan for your situation. I know the thought of your wife cheating just doesn't make sense. It didn't for me either. I didn't believe want to believe it and I listened to the tapes several times to try to find a way to convince myself it wasn't true. But if you love her and she's cheating she NEEDS you to step up and save her from this (or, at least, for yourself, TRY to save her...you can't save the unwilling).

Further, if your snooping revels she IS NOT cheating....then you'll actually be able to proceed with the separation, dating, marriage counseling, etc....with the knowledge that you are not getting played the fool and you also won't have to chase her around asking her questions or behaving suspiciously yourself because you'll have outside independent evidence of the facts about your life.

You are married...there is no privacy in marriage other than the bathroom. You aren't invading her privacy by snooping on her to confirm you don't have a fox in your MUTUAL marriage.

If you are careful (which is why I suggested the voice activated digital voice recorder in her car because it's passive and very effective in obtaining the facts without much risk of getting caught (don't put your voice of the recorder before hand...practice with the device so you know what you are doing...use velcro to secure it under the seat...buy good batteries...buy everything with cash so it's untraceable to you....deny it's yours if you get caught....don't ever tell her how you got your evidence because you may need it again and because if you do the entire fight will end up being over your supposed invasion of her privacy versus her affair...return the device for a refund within 30 days so you can get your money back after buying the best one you can afford and also so you aren't tempted to perpetually snoop on her which would be unhealthy) then you won't make her mad at all. You can continue doing whatever you want....while following up with independent verification.