Getting out of in house S (8)

[Vapo]

You need a sounding board in real life (besides us) one or maybe 2 people who you could trust and talk things over. Get them strings reattached.

[otw]

Why will your W be upset if you talk to best man? I may remember seeing something about this before, but do you think she is keeping this a secret from people?

You have to stop worrying about what she will do if you do things for you. The separation agreement will be what it is according to law if need be.

you have got to have someone to release to. I kept things to myself a very long time in denial, it was awful.

[broke]

I have two friends that I talk to almost daily that know my whole story and it makes it so much easier. One of them was not a close friend until this all started. Isolating yourself just makes you more lonely. You need support. What about a divorce care group too?

[vise82]

hey

Thanks for the feed back, It seems trivial now but at the time I had a house with my brother, father tried to buy it but could not, this was after he signed to buy and was leagally required to. House was for my brothers and I to live in, allowing us to move out of the parents home, we were going to pay rent to parrents for the house.

My brother an I stepped in and were approved for the house and bought it. We paid all expenses and collected rent from the other brothers. We renovated the house. five years later I met my W. She wanted us to have a place of our own and pushed me to sell my share in the house, other brother agreed to sell the house. There was a lot of equity in the house at this time.

Other brothers that were renting didn't want to move and pleaded to our parents. Our father seeing how much equity that was in the house sued brother and I for interest in the house. Was approved by a judge as father had the paperwork for the offer to purchase that fell through. It stopped the sale. It stopped the building of W (then girl friend) new house. We agreed to take him to court until renting brothers asked for their share of the equity before it went to court. At that point brother and I walked away from it. Parents were not invited to my wedding the same year. Parents said they would go to the wedding anyway and threatened to fight anyone who stopped them. We had to hire police at the wedding. Parents did not show up, but would still harras us and try to make contact with our child. We wanted no contact with them.

My other brothers and sisters would feed parents info on where we moved to and things going on in our lives, the harassment followed. We asked then to not give parent info, they did not listen. We moved and I stopped all contact with my family. I stopped all contact with my best friend because he was friends with my brothers. Harassment has stopped.

W is worried that if my family knows we are separating that they will try and cause trouble again. She is also worried what they will say about here as they do not like W at all.

I have still not contacted my family because I am trying to grow on my own with out the crutch of my family, also there was a toxic dynamic with them.

I have felt that is what I needed to be alone fro them to grow socially. I guess It has happened to some degree but hard to see when I am faced with myself everyday. Looking back I have grown a lot.

[otw]

i feel differently than the way you are looking at it. Your family is not a crutch, they are family. you need to DB them as well, but you need them in your life.

really think about this.

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

Interesting way of thinking about it, I see now that a lot of boundaries have to be set if I was to interact with my family. Once that S agreement is sign I was thinking of maybe having some contact with my family but I wanted to wait till the S agreement was done.

I just feel at every chance they try to pull you down with looking at every negative thing. We announced our first pregnancy after we were married and it was met with groans and questions of why and really.

DBing is very good for this exact problem of an over reaching negative toxic family. You make a good point .

[vise82]

Hey,

Home with the kids for a couple of days. As the S get more real I am feeling some nervousness. I lost a lot of sleep last night as I was thinking about the S agreement.

In the morning I talked to W about her putting in the agreement that she gets them every Christmas, and I am allowed to tag along if I want. I said she needed to change that so we rotate every year. She didn't argue about it. I thought I was going to have to give the your not inviting me to your brothers wedding but I can come for Christmas? Didn't have to. she agreed.

The other thing was the parenting schedule, I could tell it was off if 50/50 in W favour. she was mad I was questioning her and spewed about how she is saving me all this money rolling the alimony into the child support. And how she has not been a btich with everything but can be. I just said can see something doesn't ad up and I want to look at it closer, on my own. She was trying to show me that it adds up and its fine and not a big deal. I said it is a big deal because if we cant get along this is the document that we follow until we go to lawyers to change it. She was selling it a loosely guide of a document and we can just do what we want.

I do the math and she has them 10 hours more then me in two weeks. It worked out to an extra Saturday.

So she is going to get her L to change that. Now I found out my L is away for two weeks.

I can see the stress in her as the gravity of the selling the house and clearing up legal stuff is big. It is also affecting other people lives as well(people who want to buy our place)

I am feeling it too, this is hundreds of thousands of dollars and the risk of being sued if something on our en fails is there.
Her parents are at risk also to mix it up more.

All of this and W was trying to save us money doing a short cut to S.

Its all in balance right now. everything will work out if it stays like that.

[vise82]

Hey,

just going to keep it short,

I was of looking after my boys and W came home from work just as we were going to go swimming. Boy asked W to come along.

She says no at first, we get there and I text her that the boys wanted me to ask one more time. She says ok but she doesn't have a membership. I said I set you up you can come. She does go. She get here and the kids are super happy.

We are in the pool and I go to talk to her about when the swimming time is done, she replies with telling me about a house inspection and that I need to clean up to get ready for it.

I was thinking really. I just make small talk and you bring up house stuff. I cant stand it anymore. its painful. Everything she says to me is all business. No hello, no how are you, or it all about the kids. I just left her alone the rest of the swim. We invite her to a small taco place after, she goes. We all eat and its good. She complains about her food, and stops eating. doesn't taste good. I say why not order something else, No she cant there is a bad taste in her mouth.

What is that? we take her out and she complains? Its simple food and I want to be able to take the kids there again. Kids loved the food and thankfully did not hear her.

[otw]

This may be hard to hear but it is because she is trying to not have good memories with you. She has to convince herself she is doing right.

When I was begging and pursuing I would do things for my wife that I knew she loved or were her favorites. There was always an excuse why she didn't want it or she would just flat out lie

It really stinks. I think the only thing you can do is just do not invite anymore. I know she may come around saying things to temp check but ignore them.

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

Just trying to make the best of the time I now have before we move to our separate houses.

I am trying to act as if all is ok. That I will be fine. Its just that we spend so much time together right now but its not quality at all, its for the kids or talking about the house.

If I get a call its about the kids, If she texts its about the house. With months and months of it I am getting tired of it.

My life revolves around this S right now. There is so much work to selling a house. There is so much work to getting a separation done.

Soon it will end and soon I will be in my own house waiting three days until I can see my boys again.

This will be a time that I will have the time to do what I want. Time for me.