Baby steps

[Painter]

Thank you, NYGal, Zephyr and Juju. I know you all know exactly what this feels like. I wish none of us had to experience this pain!

Juju, I don't know what causes the dynamic, I think it can be individual for each person. I believe it is something internal in H. He has FOO issues that could explain it. It's definitely not making him happy or satisfied. He was irritable all yesterday from when he came home, and he blew completely up over a very small thing that is a trigger issue for him.

I think what's keeping me in it is a mix of several factors: love, family, commitment and tenacity, strong bonds established over many years, fear of the losses I will experience if/when I move out - emotionally and financially.

The boyfriend I had before I met H, cheated on me and lied extensively. I immediately dropped all contact with him after telling him off. It was very, very painful and H knew how hurt I was by it. However, I wasn't even tempted to give it another try with him - there wasn't enough of an investment. I think a M is much more different than living together or dating than I thought it would be.

I actually felt like H was reaching out - he was giving me all the affection I had asked for, kept his anger under control, apologized for things, told me he wouldn't stop trying when I asked why he was being so nice after I said I would move out. He kept inviting me very nicely (no pressure) to come sleep in his bedroom.

For the most part, since the A, he has been much less angry - it has been a 180 for him, although he doesn't know what a 180 is. It's a change he has made. He is also much more open to conversation and is expressing himself much more. Last night he reverted to the way he used to be - and I suspect it was because we got close again.

But it's very, very painful to be on the receiving end of such anger after having made myself vulnerable again. My gut reaction is to get far, far away. I'm thinking about maybe not being home when he gets home from work, but I have a conference call that I would prefer to have in my home office so I don't know if it's possible.