My first post - please be nice.

[collin]

Sandi,
That is a very good question. I've been thinking since yesterday how to answer it and I'm still not exactly sure. I've written a response and deleted it several times now. I guess that crux of it is, I wasn't the husband I should've been. I never went out of my way to make her feel loved. What I am really beating myself up for now is looking back, I see instances where she was begging for me to show her and I didn't.

My parents relationship (when I was a child) was so volatile. I don't know if that ruined my impression of how a marriage is supposed to look or not. Their relationship is not so destructive now, but I don't know how much of it is because my father feels guilty. My grandparents had a wonderful relationship, but my grandfather passed away 20 years ago (good grief...has it been that long) and my grandmother 15 years ago.

My W and I (officially) starting dating on NYE and got married that August. Perhaps it was a bit rushed. But I just couldn't see myself NOT ever being with her. She was a single mother of a beautiful little girl. She had done such a good job of raising her. She had been through a lot but was still holding onto faith.

I guess what I mean by I don't know how not to be her H, is that, I love her dearly. I didn't always show it, but I felt it. Just for whatever reason things that seem small and stupid to me, are what meant the most to her. She isn't a materialistic person, but an example is: I didn't think Valentines Day was that big of a deal. I thought we were married, we shared the same banking account, if she wanted something, she could go buy it. I thought that as long as I said "happy valentines day" somehow that made everything all better. But, looking back, would it really of hurt to buy her a card, some chocolate, some roses, something...?

I wish I could've been the man she wanted. Maybe I still have a shot, but it will be in the future. For now, she "wants to be alone" and has "lost all desire to fight for our relationship". Hard words to hear, but words I don't fault her for. She said she thinks we are better friends that spouses. I just don't know how capable of being a "friend" I am.