Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Thank you everyone for the kind words, wishes, and support. It was very, very much appreciated.

I've had a day or so to digest the first mediation. As much as you try to prepare for something, there are always surprises.

My biggest surprise was how incredibly unwell my H looked. Gray, slack, hunched, with a deeply lined face. He looked exhausted and sick. I just saw him last week, but we were outside. For the little bit that I saw him, he kept trying to reach out to make jokes and be friendly with me, but in a tired way, if that makes sense. It seemed like he felt I was the only friend in a group of strangers...I guess I was. I was pretty aloof, partially due to my own nervousness.

Everyone, including H, wanted to hold mediation in the same room. Everyone except H's obnoxious, loud, pitbull L. She insisted on the two separate rooms so that it took two and a half hours of back and forth to agree on what H and I had already agreed on before. Nothing else was decided because no assessments had been made on assets he wanted to keep. No leg work had been done, except what my L had me do. H's L drew it all out to fill the time allotted.

When we later met to go over agreements, H kept making eye contact with me, and when I asked questions or made statements, he agreed with me over his L. It made me realize that she had us in separate rooms solely to draw out the process for the full time allotted. She could be paid more. Ridiculous.

I ended up calling him when I got home 2 hours after. He seemed glad I called. I told him he looked exhausted and he agreed he was. He is literally throwing himself into work and still feeling like he's barely keeping his head above water. I feel sorry for him, but he made the decisions that have caused him to be so overextended. We talked about what happened in mediation (I don't think he has the energy to fight his L for what he says he wants), we talked about what we needed to get done, we talked about his family, what happens after D, and ...a little about his feelings. He cried a little. So did I, but that's normal.

I have said before, when he's tired his mask is off. He can open up and show his fears, his sadness, his depression. He can have an intimate conversation. But when I called him the next morning to ask him to do something, he was awake enough that the mask was back on. The in-charge, "I-don't-think-I-like-you" H was back. He was bristley and defensive, so luckily my call was brief and all business.

My L thanked me in an email that evening for handling the mediation with strength, grace, and class. She also was frustrated by the process and firmly blamed H's L for wasting our time. At least we know what to expect next time. I think we will be much more prepared.