Husband and I have similar dynamic. I guess the lesson learned (for me as well) is that for it to work they have to be the one to reach out. Not us. They are well aware of where we stand. If they want it bad enough, they will make it happen. Until/if then we have to just go about our lives. we both have to stop this pattern by not engaging or initiating. We also have to get ourselves in a better place, where we can take them or leave them. I think that is when they come back anyhow. When we no longer care. And that is even if you want them back. It will be hard for me to look back on this and forgive when I am no longer attached. So why do we want them back when their behaviors are so horrific?
I think maybe we are in a bit of denial, seeing small things as olive branches. look at the husbands on this board and the extremes they go to when they want their wives back. that's what would have to happen. And even then, if husband hasn't made his own 180s why would you think your marriage could work?
If I was dating someone, that did this (neglect, no return of phone calls, yelled at me) I would move forward and not look back. So what is keeping us participants in this very unhealthy cycle? What do you think?
I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that type of verbal lashing. They are having little temper tantrums and I don't get it. Yet they say crap like " I haven't stopped trying". Can someone explain the psychology behind it? I think it's because deep down they like the power they wield. They know those little words keep us dangling on a string. I don't understand what they get out of being cruel like that. I don't think they are viewing us as people with feelings. we are their enemies. The people they blame for everything that went wrong in their lives.
We do have the power to say no, this is not healthy for me. No more.
let's fake detachment together so that it turns real. I have been not initiating anything for a month. i now have to get some GAL activities. What else can we do so they are not permanently on our minds?
