Still hoping for progress II

[broke]

Glad you are feeling in a good place daybyday. I hope that it stays that way for you! Keep Up the fine job of DBing!

[daybyday]

I have a question about the spaces where WAS used to have their stuff. How did you all do with that? I am reluctant to use the closet space, vacant dresser drawers etc. for thinking that if she were to come over for something that she would see my things there and think that I have moved on already. What do you all think? It is symbolic to me but it is easily undone.

A good day today and why now is the sadness setting in .ugh!!

[broke]

Hmmmm…I am probably not the best person to answer this because I haven't touched any of H's stuff or moved into his "space" that he left behind. Mostly, it is out of stubbornness. I don't want him to think that I cared enough to move his stuff, or move into his space. I want him to think I just kept on going with my life and continued to use what I needed and previously had. I even sleep on the same side of the bed and don't ever go over to his side. It would be interesting to get more views on this.

But, I would say, if you need the space, use it. If you don't, then you can take some time and decide. Not sure your WW will care while she is in her fog and will she be around to really see it?

[rustbkt]

I have been following along with what you are going through and you seem to be doing ok, one day at a time my friend. My W will be moving out of the house in a few weeks and I will be where you are now. When my W is gone I will fill the closet space and the dresser drawers with my clothes and if she thinks I have moved on then maybe it will make her think twice that she made the wrong decision to leave. As much as it hurts to watch her go I have to get ready for the rest of my life without her.

Do everything your way now, don't do it the way you think she would want you to do it. Live your life the way you want to and maybe someday she will want to share it with you.

[Thornton]

Hey D,

Here's something a wise man once told me. You don't have decide anything today or tomorrow.

She just moved out, allow yourself time to process your thoughts. What you are thinking/feeling today will likely change in a day or two.

I would hold off on filling up her space with your things. You'll when to make a decision one way or the other.

Until then, there's no rush. Relax.

[daybyday]

Thanks all for feedback. I t doesn't feel right at this moment although the space would be great.

Today is back to sad dbd. Damnit! I just want to call her and say, please come home! I know that's not going to happen and I will not do it but that's where I am at today. Also had S13 last night and he will be with W next 3 days. That doesn't help the sitch. Plus he was grouchy this morning and dragging feet. It is a constant struggle with him, and I am doing well at being understanding how rough this is for him too, even though he hasn't said anything.

W called me last night but I didn't answer it. She texted me that she forgot that I had went to grocery store. Later around 10pm she texts me again to tell S13 to remember to bring a green shirt for thurs. I texted back "ok. what is the green shirt for?" Its St patricks day she said. "Me. Duh" She "lol. don't want him getting pinched. lol"

I guess that little bit of interaction kind of creates my expectations again and that is not good. But it felt good with the lighthearted texting. That was the US of old. Man I want that back.

[TimR]

daybyday, I have not moved any of her left behind things. Her dresser and its contents remain right where they were. I just cant bring myself to move it yet.

We both have S13. It is hard with them. They are going through a hard time with body changes, new hormones, school drama, and now this. Try to let him know you are there for him to talk to. My counselor told me I can pull out the talks a bit but not to be too forceful with it. IC also said make sure you are not always talking about it because you need to be an oasis for him. I have been following up on that advice the best I can. I do not ask him about WW and do not bring up how he feels unless I see he wants to say something or unless he is in a worse than normal bad mood. I would have like to set up counseling for him but he refuses. While I know it is for the best, I need him to know he can trust me completely, so I have not done it since he refuses.

Best of luck to you daybyday, and enjoy those small interactions just as they are without expectation of more.

[GWH]

Hang in there buddy!

[daybyday]

Thanks guys. Yeah Tim there are the normal teen problems with this stuff thrown on top of it. I have tried to let him no that I will always be here for him if he wants to talk.

Just reminiscing a lot today for some reason and it really sukcs. Up, down, up, down, repeat. That's how my days go.

I just have this scary feeling that she is trying to ease me into this thing. She hasn't been mean or angry. That's the scary part. Same old fears, just resurfacing again today. Tomorrow I may be angry again or just ok.

Plus I have to redeem my birthday gift on Monday. You get a colonoscopy from your doc on your 50th birthday. Yay...

[1313]

daybyday, Tim - when I was dealing with loss 3 years ago, a doctor advised that I change some things around, because physical items, their location and particular routines will prompt constant reminders.

As hard as it is, you should move things around as if you were moving into the home for the first time. Consider repainting rooms. When I moved things and changed the location of routines (like even where I put my shoes on) it made a difference.

When my Step Father passed my Mother never wanted to visit the second home they had as it was exactly as it was left and reminded her of him. We completely repainted, moved things around, new carpet - not a big investment. Hung pictures, it was all different. She wound up moving in.

I don't know how the WW stands the house the way it is right now. The house "feels" awful. We have a grandmother clock in the entry - it's still exactly where it stopped in January. Pictures of "us" are still around. The house is exactly the way it was the day I left. No wonder she's going nuts.

Maybe just try one room everyone hangs out in - make it a weekend project. Do the family room - even slight shifts, move the TV a little, whatever is around it gets changed, paint a wall, move the sofa 2 feet to the left - all this will make it different and new. Because, everything is new from here forward.