Way Too Late Pt 3

[Zues126]

Submitted mid-post...continued and edited:

I would do anything to reconcile this M. Because you feel desperate for the M you will act however you think will bring WAS back.

I'll try to visit later and spend time on someone else's thread. Mine is too depressing. It's nice seeing people who stand a chance. Because you feel depressed you try to give up hope.

I'm really tired of people who drink and do stupid crap to tell you the truth. I'm so done. I can't believe it...I'm not sharing anything with anybody from this point forward unless it's here. Because you feel frustrated that someone did something that you feel hurt your chances, you will act more reserved.

There are positives and negatives about your choices. There is nothing wrong with keeping this to yourself to a point, but there is something wrong with all of these reactions to your feelings.

What you need to understand is that there are important parts of your body right now...your HEART, your BRAIN, and your FEET. Your heart is what you feel, your brain is what you think, and you're feet are what you do. Who's steering the bus?

I tell people not to follow their heart, because their feelings are all over the map. If you follow your heart you will be a roller coaster, inconsistent, one minute wanting to R, the next wanting to punish WAS, and so on. It's no different than what WAS is doing when they leave the M. It doesn't work.

I tell people not to follow their brain, because 99% of your thoughts are just rationalizations for your feelings, and not 'true' at all. Even if it seems really logical it's distorted logic, or you're not being equally logical in other areas where it doesn't serve your true motives of the heart. So don't follow or trust your thoughts.

Ultimately you must have a few CORE BELIEFS, and then follow those with your feet, despite what your heart and head say.

So 1313, I care how you feel in terms of being supportive, hoping you're ok, and using that as a way to learn where you can grow (negative emotions are the universe's way of telling you where you are looking at things wrong). But I don't care at all about how you feel in terms of using that information to change your game plan. For example, if your core belief is that you should be appreciative of your life and live it to the end, then I don't care how bad you feel, you don't get to end it. And no matter how bad you feel, you don't get to burn bridges and 'burn it all down' for closure. Stop it. Stop it. Just stop.

This needs to change. I can't say for sure so don't mean to be manipulative, but common sense would tell me that WAS was tired of walking on eggshells around you because you counted on her to feel good about yourself, when you didn't feel ok it was because of her not doing enough, you were probably critical when you weren't satisfied, and ultimately she was probably exhausted from the constant monitoring of your emotions. Time to be a strong man, that doesn't mean insensitive and out of touch with your feelings, it simply means able to do the job in front of you regardless of how you feel. You have work to do, you have to do it even if you have a bit of a headache.

I am curious to know- what are your core beliefs? In 3 years when this has all blown by, what would you like to be able to say about the way you handled this? What would you like to be able to say about who you became?

[Cadet]

Rational thinking and logic are out the window with the WW.

YUP

I'm having a hard time thinking of reconciliation when everything we've built together is about to be liquidated.

Hey 1313
part of the script is that everything must be destroyed.

Maybe this will all help you to truly detach and look after yourself.

That is the only way this is going to work.
Don't worry about reconcilling or who did what to whom.
It is all part of the drama that you dont need to be part of.

All you can CONTROL is your part of this,
and move forward from that.

If you reconcile it will be a new marriage - not the old one.
Everything will be destroyed and you work to rebuild a new foundation and on up.
Thats is the only way it works.

Good luck today in court.

[1313]

Well, I'm back. Thanks for the pep talks and reality slaps.

I was just really down after my friend pulled his stunt - and I didn't need a lecture from him when I asked as nicely as possible to not do that - trying to explain the DB thoughts.

Heck, I was hesitant to contact the WW after the "stop the divorce" message. I still wonder what might have happened if I hadn't asked her what she meant.

Anyway - here's the lowdown.

I tried to be as "up" looking as possible, she avoided eye contact as did I. There wasn't really a lot of opportunity to see each other anyway the way this worked out. We were only together twice in the court room, facing the same direction with lawyers between us. What a depressing place.

Basically it's in a basement, nasty gray carpet and flickering fluorescent lights, hallways and little sitting areas. My L and hers kept getting together after we'd hammer out details of spousal support, who pays mortgage, who pays credit cards etc.

The W's L thinks she's not being reasonable over some things - the dog especially is a sticking point. She flat refuses to let me have the dog - at all. From what I could get from him, she's an emotional wreck, and going back and forth.

So, at least for now I need to pay lawyers fees. I will always be locked out of the house. (welcome to California!) I will get spousal support - but need to show actively seeking employment. 8 jobs a week. I've been getting blasts from monster.com, and know that there hasn't been that many in the 2 months we've been separated.

Also after today - I'm more convinced than ever that she considered reconciliation last week. Even if it was just for a day or two. Of course i could be wrong - but I was seeing none of that spirit of cooperation she talked about when she changed her mind asking for a mediator. No way a mediator would function with what happened (or didn't) today.

But a day back with the OM got her to shift back. Why was she in extra nasty mode today? I don't know what my friend said to her, but it could be a lot worse than I thought.

I'm not sharing any more details with him from this point forward. If I need to vent I'll do it here. Yes, it's possible that nothing changed after his email, but it's also possible he might have said something nasty, feeling betrayed himself (he has considered her a friend for 35 years). I don't know, I don't care.

I have to start from today.

I am curious to know- what are your core beliefs? In 3 years when this has all blown by, what would you like to be able to say about the way you handled this? What would you like to be able to say about who you became?

I'm curious too. I'm in the terrible sitch of having to take care of a Mother with Alzheimer's. If this had happened 4 years ago, things would be amazingly different. It's like I can't consider a future at all for myself. I can't GAL. Not until this whole thing is over with, and I have her in a stable situation. It makes DBing very hard. Heck, I was scared to death to be gone for 5 hours today! I had no idea what I might come back to.

I have to somehow look to some sort of future - without being able to directly do anything about it. My life is on hold. Without her? I would probably already have a job. Because, I wouldn't be tied down. I could go wherever I want. Even in the best of circumstances (full time care) I'm still stuck here.

I say I would do anything to reconcile the M, but I'm not going to do anything to change that's not real, and isn't advantageous to both of us. The W would have to change a lot too. We've both made some terrible mistakes. When I go back and look at emails I sent - just run-of-the-mill things, I can see how terrible she treated me. I even said in one over a year ago - she treats me like an employee.

The changes I made to help I'm glad I did. I'm not "reverting" back. The changes I'm making that I hope could help - I'm doing regardless. She never appreciated what I did do to change things. I feel those will help lead me to better things down the road.

Right now in fact I sort of hope the W gets some therapy. I know she's seeing a friend who's a well respected psychologist - but I think he's wrong. He will make you feel better about things, but I don't think it always addresses interrelated issues. Something is terribly wrong - and it's not just me. She's using me as an excuse for something even deeper. I feel sorry for her, there's nothing I can do.

Anyway I think I need to go take a nap, 4 hours on and off isn't working very well any more.

[broke]

1313,

I am glad that your court date is over. It is interesting that your W is an emotional wreck and being unreasonable about the dog (according to her own L). It really is a shame that you can't see your dog and that you can't get out to do much GAL'ing. Can you exercise at home?

Anyway, keep improving yourself, keep detaching and taking the high road. There was definitely some hesitation by your W, but what really matters is how you handle yourself and if you can look back on it and hold your head high.

I hope you got some sleep and you are relieved that today is over and you can move forward to keep improving yourself. Take care

[TimR]

1313 it is good to hear how you did today. I would agree with broke that there seems to be some hesitation in her. And why should there not be. You are a good guy and you have been married a long time. Keep up the DBing and who knows what the future will bring!

[1313]

broke, Tim, thanks for checking in, I really appreciate you guys more than you know.

I hit a wall this afternoon that was unanticipated. I feel awful and have to pull myself out of it. I think the weight of stress I was ignoring crashed down on me.

My Mother took up most of the afternoon and evening - there are things going on with her that would be enough stress by itself and I've never even brought up here. So I took care of her and avoided a lot of other things.

I wanted to start to go through everyone else's threads to check in - and barely got through CWOL's.

The depression of the W going off for a week with the OM is something I need to move past - I'm going to go up and see if I can sleep, and get some serious exercise tomorrow. I'll check in then and see how everyone else is doing and try to not concentrate on me.

I just wish the W would be true to her word (well one of them) and let me care for the dog while she's gone. I have no idea where the dog will be. Could I find out? Yes, but I refuse to do that. I've detached 100% and won't be going back. It's quite liberating actually.

Have a great evening, I'll be back soon.

[CWOL]

How did you get locked out of the house? Did you move out on your own, voluntarily? Even in CA they won't force you to leave your own house.

[Painter]

It sounds like you had a mediation with the Ls and then presented an agreement to the judge? Been through this a few times so I know the routine. But - did the judge rule on the house and the dog? I find it odd that a judge would let her get away with that?

[1313]

How did you get locked out of the house? Did you move out on your own, voluntarily? Even in CA they won't force you to leave your own house.

CWOL, I left when I freaked about the BD (hadn't hit yet but I saw it had been filed) and the A - I found both out within hours of each other. I thought I would spend a few days at my Mother's to get my brain straight.

That was that. I had access for about a week before she changed the locks. I left a note about an empty water dish (the 3rd time I saw the dog's water dish was empty) and that pushed her over the edge. The note said: X drinks water.

Apparently, non-access is not even going to be presented to the judge. All we're asking for is 48 hours to get into the house. Since the W has exclusive use and access, she pays for everything. Honestly, if that's my choice, I'll take what I've got. I can't afford to pay for half the mortgage and utilities and not live there. If I were to try to move back, the W would leave (I don't know what happened to the house she rented) and I'd be stuck with a huge mortgage I can't afford.

But I'm done with budging my position at this point. I've been backed into a corner and now I have to fight for the dog. She refuses to even share. So, it's going to be as long as 90 days before we go before a judge about that. She's already 12 with a bad ticker, I hope she's around in 90 days.

[1313]

It sounds like you had a mediation with the Ls and then presented an agreement to the judge? Been through this a few times so I know the routine. But - did the judge rule on the house and the dog? I find it odd that a judge would let her get away with that?

Painter, I think part of the explanation is above to CWOL.

The dog is not part of any agreement we could come to. Both of the L's (especially the W's) don't get this. I'm fine with sharing. It's equitable, and it's good for the dog. The W isn't going to budge. So - it's a fight.

What got settled yesterday was alimony (such as it is), access to the house, legal fees and that's about it. The trust is being contested, we're doing a trace on the funds and how they've been used. I have to pay for lawyers fees and those may or may not be paid back to me.

The W is going to try to say that the dog is a service dog and she has panic attacks - we got the certificate when the dog's sister died, and the W didn't want to not be able to take her everywhere. So, it's a BS thing. A friend who's a semi-famous psychiatrist wrote the note, but I have lots of documentation regarding timing - as well as the W never mentioning anything about "needing" the dog. She had better be able to come up with something - I know she can't.

I have texts with her asking things about what food to feed her and where to buy it, when to give her meds, all going back months and months. I just have to pull this all together in a cohesive manner for the L to use. I even have a text from the W saying she wants to share the dog, and would never go to court for her. Uh-huh.

Here's hoping the W and the OM have an argument on the trip they're going on today.

I really kind of hope that we present all the crazy things the W has done showing a lack of good faith over the past 2 months. Added up it looks pretty bad, I would think a judge might assume she's not telling the truth about anything. The W's L seems to becoming aware of it.