Baby steps

[Painter]

We cycled again. I started feeling hopeful and thought perhaps we had a chance, after all, and reached out to H. He had been so nice and said he wouldn't stop trying.

Tonight I got the backlash - irritable and firing questions at me impatiently, sudden anger and raging at me, putting me down, telling me how I've let him down (financially by not being able to get a full-time job, although he said before we married that I wouldn't have to work and I did land a part-time job last fall), rewriting history, blaming, making me feel like I am nothing and have no worth. It was a verbal beating that left me feeling devastated.

I told him that I felt this was a repeat of a pattern - we get close and he pushes me away again - which just made him angrier.

He was so angry and cold and mean that there was no way to try to have a rational conversation. I didn't show any anger back, just tried to calm things down and listened. And I said I thought he was way too angry and mean and I didn't deserve being talked to that way.

I almost feel now like I was beaten physically - it was so intense. I ache all over, probably from tension.

Well, I guess I asked for it. I got back on the rollercoaster and it just confirms what I thought. I experimented and observed the result... clearly not good.