Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Thank you for continuing to post. I love hearing that you are doing better and on the up, in all aspects of your life. You have been through so much, it's great knowing that you have made it through. You have always taken the high road, and I root you on like I would any heroine from a story.

Hi Julie. I know I don't check in as much these days. Partly because not much is happening--which isn't a bad thing.

How were you able to detach? Do you think it was time? Being busy? Was it a matter of gradually accepting things as is? I was told if patience is not your virtue, it will become so through this process. You certainly seem to have embraced it.

Lots of luck

Hugs,

Julie

I don't know exactly how detachment came--or if it is here to stay. I think I am seeing him totally differently now. I don't recognize him as my husband anymore and the person I see now is not worth my time. I noticed, since the last incident in mid February, that his charm doesn't effect me anymore. Keeping busy definitely helped. The less time you have to think about it, the easier it starts to fade.

One thing I know is that I had to fake it--a lot--before I really started to feel it. And while I am an impatient person, I think you are right that this type of situation is what forces you to learn patience. Things are completely out of my hands. I have a choice to make to either be patient and trust it will be ok, just not on my timeline (church and my spirituality is helping with that) or to be incredibly frustrated, angry, and bitter all of the time (which just feels awful and leads to bad decisions).

Part of the faking it was forced on me. I am living in a bubble where I can't avoid being in the spotlight. I have no idea who knows what, who thinks what, who is telling him what, and because everything is so intertwined with my children I can't just cut people out and move on. So I fake it, and sometimes I don't have to fake it. And as time goes on I find I am faking it much less and it is becoming real.

Lately the faking it only comes when I need to interact with people connected to his job. Last week it happened twice, and one of the people I could tell was feigning concern for me to get dirt. In the past I would have spilled because I always felt like I owed everyone a full story. This time my response was pretty much, "I really don't know what happened, but I am much happier now. Thanks for your concern." I am getting information from these interactions, and the less I say the better. He doesn't have too many people on his side, even those who are on his turf. And the fact that he is so secretive isn't working in his favor, because it just makes the rumor mill work overtime. It is all so ridiculous but makes it easier to detach. I don't have to defend myself or get people to turn on him. That all happened without my input.

I really just don't love him anymore. I don't pity him either like I did in the beginning of this journey when I thought he was depressed and needed my support despite his nasty actions. Now I really just don't care about him at all. He is my kids' father and that's it. No other ties.

I think it also helps that I have been socializing a lot and I feel more attractive and likable than I have in years. I was happy to play the role of his wife, sitting on the sidelines, but now I am rediscovering that I am a lot of fun and I still got it. I am still the person he became enamored with so many years ago. I forgot that person existed. Actually, I am even better now than I was then.