Now what?/ One Day at a Time

[melweb]

Wow! Thaks job, cil and HaWho. You guys are the best!

I really am not trying to mind read or guess WTH he is doing.That would be fruitless, because even HE does not know what he is doing!!

I know he is depressed and so does he. He has mentioned three times this weekend, and he has a history of it. He is on Lexapro, but he is drinking so much, I am thinking the meds are having no affect. Cil-- I will def see if I can find that book at library or bookstore. Could he be in this stage already?

I have decided NOT to go to Mexico. I have too much self-respect and pride. This trip was suppose to be like a second honeymoon/reconciliation trip that we were both looking forward to. Couples massage/private in room dining, etc. I do not want to put myself thru the torture of none of that happening. Furthermore, I DO NOT CARE WHAT SHE THINKS!! She thinks she won? Well, she won the booby prize.

As far as the apartment thing, we cannot financially afford for him to do that right now anyhow. He gets a bonus in May, which we will pay off all our debt and hopefully our house will be sold by then. That is why he is waiting til June. But saying it and actually doing are two different things.

Do you guys think I need an L at this time? I am really scared this time, he seems so sure (but I guess he did at BD#1 too), but this OW!!!! I am finding it super hard to be upbeat and confident like I was last time. That was one of my 180s--no mopey, angry, bitchy melweb!! But now I can hardly look at him. And HE keeps bringing up R, and finances.

BLAHHHHHH!!! I am so confused.

[job]

I am going to suggest that you start looking around for a lawyer. There are plenty out there that offer free consultations. Shop around now and get educated on what you can expect if he decides to file for divorce. Knowledge is power and whatever you do...do not tell him what you've learned.

Nothing says you need to retain a lawyer, but I definitely would shop around and try out some of those free consultations.

[mleigh4]

Hi Melweb. Job and Hawho have given you some excellent advice. I have learned through this, each situation on here is unique, there really is no right or wrong. It becomes about what works for you.

Who are you, who were you before H, who do you want to be today? Who do you want to be in the eyes of your children, friends and family? Those are questions to ask yourself and start working on. Basically, take the focus off H and put it on you. The distraction will help to keep you from trying to figure him out.

[2Times2Many]

Mel, I heard the same speech 2 1/2 years ago ... he's done, he wants passion, ILYBINILWY, he wanted a divorce, blah, blah, blah. He was hot and heavy in the midst of his A.

He never followed through with anything beyond separating bank accounts and changing his passwords and even that took him 6 months to do.

I heard the same spew again during the holidays (which leads to me suspect either a new OW or he's angry with me for making him move out) but he still hasn't followed through. At that time we were finished, he felt nothing, he WAS going to D, he was going to sell his company and on and on and on. Last visit, he started backpedaling, particularly about the company. No path seems to remain the same for very long.

I firmly believe they are 1. trying to convince themselves as much as trying to convince us that all this crap is the real deal and 2. provoke us to do the dirty work for them (start D process) so they can relieve some of their guilt ... they can come back and say we left the M, not them. I also think that in all that confusion, they are looking from some sign, some guidance, from us that will "tell" them which way they should go. Don't fall for it. Zip the lips.

I'm glad you decided not to go to Mexico. I've been on a couple of trips with h in the past 2 years and it is just so strained and tense. It was really impossible to enjoy myself. I hope you can come up with a nice trip on your own that will be much more enjoyable.

As for the OW? She is garbage ... double garbage ... she's not only breaking up your home, but hers as well. Mel, she is so far beneath you I can't even come up with words to describe how low she is! Besides, what has she won? A broken man in the midst of MLC who will figure out soon enough that his path to happiness is not through her.

Keep concentrating on being the kind of women no fool would leave, because sooner or later your h will start to make comparisons and that's when you want to shine your brightest.

As for the lawyer ... yes! Know what your rights are. Knowledge is always a good thing to have.

Many, many {{{hugs}}} to you, Mel.

[MrBond]

"Can you be all three at once?"

Yes you can. Although you didn't answer what types of triggers might have set him off to make it a true MLC.

[melweb]

So lawyers are on my to-do list this week. Thanks job. Also OBGYN as I have no idea when those two lovebirds starting having sex.

Focusing on me. Got hair cut and colored today and got a tan. I was doing those things anyhow for Mexico trip, which I told H last night I am not going. He says, sarcastically. "Oh!This oughta be a fun trip." I did NOT say--"I guess you should have thought of that before you starting F'in another mans wife." Aren't you proud of me?

2x--your reply could not be more timely. I "feel" like he is just talking the talk to convince himself more than anything. But time will tell. I am getting so many mixed messages, he's giving me whiplash. Again!!

I know the OW is a trailer-trash piece of garbage. And that is my toned down description of her. But I have seen her Facebook picture. She's cute. Perfect teeth and big boobs, big blue eyes. Physical attraction is very important to my H. She has a full time job, runs in the summer and skis in the winter. But I digress-- you are right--what did she "win?" The booby prize for sure!!

MrBond-- I did not answer your question as I did not feel it necessary to 'justfy' my H's MLC. Does it make a difference? If so, here you go:

His parents D when he was 2, and his bio dad took the two older brothers, leaving the younger 3 siblings (including my H) with his mom. As a result he had zero relationship with his dad and a mediocre at best with his brothers. Mom remarried and stepdad was quite strict, but H eventually saw him as a dad, but he died when H was in 20's--never telling the man he loved him,(There is longer story here, but too long)

H is a type A, over-achiever, grass-is greener, kind of guy. W have been M 21 years and moved 12 times, always for something "better, or more money, or less stress." He has battled alcoholism (which is a factor at the moment), depression and anxiety, (which he is being treated for.) We have been thru a bankruptcy, foreclosure, and serious debt that we still have.

3 years ago we moved, yet again, back to our home town so H could be co-owner and COO of a biz. It cost us a fortune out of our own pocket, but it was "short term gain for long term pain." After 15 months, they fired him. We are still unsure why, but H went six months unemployed. More debt, borrowed from his mom to get us by. He gets job with current employer, and we start digging out. 4 months later they want to promote him. It requires another move. We bite the bullet and say yes.
We put house on market thinking it would sell quickly. It does not.

All is well when we first get here. We love it here. Boys love here. We are renting, but drive around looking at houses. We can't do much by way of entertainment, cuz we have no money. This really bugs the hell out of H. That is NOT why we moved here. By now the one hour commute each way, is taking its toll, and job is more stressful/pressure than he thought. House has not sold yet, and has not as of today! We now have double digit debt. The pressure is getting to me too as I am trying to pay bills, and keep H happy. I was grumpy, bitchy and exasperated. And I let everyone know it. (This was one of my 180s) And honestly our marriage has been bipolar for quite some time. When its good, its good; when its bad, its bad.

I get ILYBNILY in Nov.'15. H gets full body wax, starts tanning and whitening his teeth. Wearing thong underwear, skinny jeans and Converse sneakers. Gets some new girl "friends" that he likes to text, and even goes 3 hours north to see them. At this point he has not recommitted to me, so I do not say anything. 8 weeks after BD#1, he says he's not leaving and I do not have to live in fear. We have major R talks, what went wrong, what needs fixing and how to do that, date nights and lots of make up sex. 8 weeks later I get BD#2, and confirm the A, saying he tried, but he needs passion.

[MrBond]

Have you studied anything about MLC besides what's in DB or on these boards? What you described are not triggers. There are 6 specific ones that set a person down this path. It would give you a better insight to your sitch rather than just saying it's an MLC.

[2Times2Many]

I remember well the trip to the doctor for the STD tests. The nurse remarked that I had lost weight. I replied that it was the "your h is cheating on you diet." She looked at me with a compassionate look on her face and asked, "Honey, do you need the tests?" I broke into tears. Glad you're getting checked out.

I'm also glad you're seeing an attorney. That's a tough one. It feels like you're doing something that is far removed from what you want. It kind of brings the reality of the sitch to the forefront. But it's a necessary step to be sure you have all the info you need. It's okay to be informed and hope you never need to apply the knowledge.

Mr Bond ... I think a lot of us who are trying to figure out if our S is really in MLC or is just a jerk would be interested in the 6 triggers you brought up.

[melweb]

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled MLC with H telling me tonite that he is not ready to give up on us.

The convo started with him telling me he still thinks I should go to Mexico. I said it'd be too hard for me. He blabbed on about it, and me just saying I'll think about it. Then he went into he's struggling with this (meaning us.) And he's been thinking of all the things I have said and been saying. He launched into an anology using Mt. Eversest... How hard it is to get to the top, and some don't, but they are so close.

I am nodding, and validating, and understanding, and appreciating his honesty. Then he says he's not ready to give up on us. Man-- you could have knocked me over with a feather!! Not sure what came after that. I may have blacked out for a minute. Then he just segues into his biz trip. He helps me clean up dinner and says good nite.


Ummmmmm... I was not in way, shape, or form ready for THAT kind of BD!!

[Sotto]

Hi Melweb, my take on this is that he's just doing enough to try and keep you where he would like you - ie: coming along to Mexico - with him continuing to see OW too. You saying you won't go to Mexico has interfered with how he thought this would play out. He doesn't want to have to go and say that you were unwilling/unable to come.

My suggestion is that you remain backed off, leave it for now and see if he raises it again. If he does, I suggest you let him know you aren't willing to be in a R with him whilst he continues to have contact with OW (and not going to Mexico is part of that.)

Now, if he says he is willing to let OW go, I would post here for more advice before proceeding further. There are some usually suggested minimums - NC letter to OW, willing to engage in MC etc.

However, I'm sceptical about his motives here - I suspect he may just be doing enough to get you to go on the trip. So, I would proceed with due caution.

Take care Sweetie - you're doing well in incredibly hard circumstances xx