Way Too Late Pt 3

[1313]

Well, I'm back. Thanks for the pep talks and reality slaps.

I was just really down after my friend pulled his stunt - and I didn't need a lecture from him when I asked as nicely as possible to not do that - trying to explain the DB thoughts.

Heck, I was hesitant to contact the WW after the "stop the divorce" message. I still wonder what might have happened if I hadn't asked her what she meant.

Anyway - here's the lowdown.

I tried to be as "up" looking as possible, she avoided eye contact as did I. There wasn't really a lot of opportunity to see each other anyway the way this worked out. We were only together twice in the court room, facing the same direction with lawyers between us. What a depressing place.

Basically it's in a basement, nasty gray carpet and flickering fluorescent lights, hallways and little sitting areas. My L and hers kept getting together after we'd hammer out details of spousal support, who pays mortgage, who pays credit cards etc.

The W's L thinks she's not being reasonable over some things - the dog especially is a sticking point. She flat refuses to let me have the dog - at all. From what I could get from him, she's an emotional wreck, and going back and forth.

So, at least for now I need to pay lawyers fees. I will always be locked out of the house. (welcome to California!) I will get spousal support - but need to show actively seeking employment. 8 jobs a week. I've been getting blasts from monster.com, and know that there hasn't been that many in the 2 months we've been separated.

Also after today - I'm more convinced than ever that she considered reconciliation last week. Even if it was just for a day or two. Of course i could be wrong - but I was seeing none of that spirit of cooperation she talked about when she changed her mind asking for a mediator. No way a mediator would function with what happened (or didn't) today.

But a day back with the OM got her to shift back. Why was she in extra nasty mode today? I don't know what my friend said to her, but it could be a lot worse than I thought.

I'm not sharing any more details with him from this point forward. If I need to vent I'll do it here. Yes, it's possible that nothing changed after his email, but it's also possible he might have said something nasty, feeling betrayed himself (he has considered her a friend for 35 years). I don't know, I don't care.

I have to start from today.

I am curious to know- what are your core beliefs? In 3 years when this has all blown by, what would you like to be able to say about the way you handled this? What would you like to be able to say about who you became?

I'm curious too. I'm in the terrible sitch of having to take care of a Mother with Alzheimer's. If this had happened 4 years ago, things would be amazingly different. It's like I can't consider a future at all for myself. I can't GAL. Not until this whole thing is over with, and I have her in a stable situation. It makes DBing very hard. Heck, I was scared to death to be gone for 5 hours today! I had no idea what I might come back to.

I have to somehow look to some sort of future - without being able to directly do anything about it. My life is on hold. Without her? I would probably already have a job. Because, I wouldn't be tied down. I could go wherever I want. Even in the best of circumstances (full time care) I'm still stuck here.

I say I would do anything to reconcile the M, but I'm not going to do anything to change that's not real, and isn't advantageous to both of us. The W would have to change a lot too. We've both made some terrible mistakes. When I go back and look at emails I sent - just run-of-the-mill things, I can see how terrible she treated me. I even said in one over a year ago - she treats me like an employee.

The changes I made to help I'm glad I did. I'm not "reverting" back. The changes I'm making that I hope could help - I'm doing regardless. She never appreciated what I did do to change things. I feel those will help lead me to better things down the road.

Right now in fact I sort of hope the W gets some therapy. I know she's seeing a friend who's a well respected psychologist - but I think he's wrong. He will make you feel better about things, but I don't think it always addresses interrelated issues. Something is terribly wrong - and it's not just me. She's using me as an excuse for something even deeper. I feel sorry for her, there's nothing I can do.

Anyway I think I need to go take a nap, 4 hours on and off isn't working very well any more.