There is a difference between getting sole use of the house in a separation/divorce agreement and him *giving* you use of it on his terms. Did the L say anything about H having access to the house?
It shouldn't be hard to include a stipulation about your right to privacy - it's a key feature in the S agreements I've seen, making it clear that the parties are not interfere in each other's lives and have no say over the other. It's at the core of a separation and in the word itself.
It does sound like your H is awfully patronising - you've let him take the lead always, right? He has no reason to respect you, in his mind. It's important to stand up for yourself and not allow others to take your power. Doesn't mean you have to angry, just firm. Imagine yourself as a piece of granite - an unmoving boulder.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I agree with others, Red, your H loves to control and manipulate. I think you have right idea about going as dark as possible. Can you set a time each day he can talk to kids and you don't have to talk? Can you leave house when he is there? May be time to set new boundaries and evaluate them.
Don't get discouraged though - he's a master at this. Just remember - you know your H best, too. Think about what makes him tick. My H uses my guilt about the kids to get at me. He knows I'll do anything for them. Just an example. Think clearly about what your H uses to get you. Then you can be prepared before he does it. Or make clearer boundaries now that you are further along.
You've come such a long way, Red. You're going to school, got jobs, a backup plan with cash and clothes. You are very strong - you can do this. And I'm glad you are seeing another L. Especially to talk about the house and how that will work. Keep us posted.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
V is on point. Husband is controlling you from a distance. His fantasy, living out in real time, is still happening.
What is most important? YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
TXHUBBY is also on point. Crush his n&%ts.
Go dark. Make him go crazy in thoughts of what you're doing. Really, this HAS to happen. Untenable situations can't go on for any length of time.
WE want you happy and safe. Neither is happening right now.
L up. Don't be malicious, but it's time to protect yourself and your kids. Your feelings are going to betray you. Rely on BELIEFS. I believe life is worth living. That I love my kids more than anything on earth, and will protect them. That I'm worthy of respect and honor.
Do you have God in your life? If not, something to think about. Get some anchors to moor the ship to.
Keep posting.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Tim- I will be trying to go as dark as possible just for my own sanity right now.
Painter- The L I have said this: IF I tried to go for the house i'm 95% not going to get it unless I want to fight and spend a lot of money because my name is not on it and it was a premarital asset. IF I DID get it then L could say you get use of the house for 2 years but H would not have to pay any of the bills which means I would not be able to afford it anyways.
He said since H is offering the house for x years(however long I want it so he says) and to pay the mortgage and some bills, along with the 500$ in child support he is really paying almost 1200$ a month for me and the kids to live there.
The only problem is the stipulations. His offer-I give you this IF on the days I want the kids I can come home to sleep and you go to your moms like we are doing.
My L said I could say NO- I want sole use, you can't come in it. But then H can put in fine BUT as soon as your get a boyfriend- relationship or something then you have to leave and you no longer will be able to live there.
For every stipulation I make, he can make one because it is in his name and I can't actually afford it without him.
L said it looks bad on ME though if I say NO. If we go to a judge and he says okay where are you going to live and I say my kids will share a room at my moms(they are boy/girl 4&5 almost so they are NOT suppose to share a room past age 5) and I will have a room VS a fully PAID for FURNISHED 3 bedroom house the judge will either think I am looking to just screw over my H and lower my child support to the bare minimum because I'm just out for money OR say no, you are staying in the house in the best interest of the children.
It's not like H is being nice giving me the house. IF I leave AND he has to pay over 500-600$ in child support he will loose the house anyways and end up having to sell it and we both end up with no house.
IF I STAY he will have enough left over to rent a room or pay for half an apt with the OW if he wanted, or whatever he will do.
Broke- He KNOWS my weakness is my kids, and feeling loved. He knows if he is nice and loving he can usually get me to do anything for him. Not anymore.
Txhubby- Your crush the nuts comment made me smile. It really cracked me up. I know I need to give up and stop trying to save it since it really is nothing worth saving anymore. I had a cop and my L tell me I can't change the locks. House is in his name, all the bills, and over 50% of his stuff is here so the cops said if I changed them then I could get in trouble. Ridiculous yes.
Trumpet- yes I do believe in god, I think I need to go to church more though. I need something.
I hope you guys still will help me and be here for me. I know my M is over and I have to stop trying to save it. I don't want to have to leave and do this on my own though. I'm really sad today knowing I have to give up saving it when I know, I KNOW I can't.
To feel better, I am going out to the mall to go shopping.I'm bringing in spirit my fellow shopaholics Thornton and Tim lol.
I think my mailbox is giving me a sign to go spoil myself. I have a giant stack of 10, 20, 30$ off stores, 25-30% off items, rewards cards etc. I have at least 100$ FREE merchandise for free panties, free lotions, free 30$ rewards card etc.
Why not move to your mom's now, save your pesos and get your own place when push comes to shove?
He can't really do anything about it until one of you files unless you don't tell him of your intended move, right? You're not stopping him from seeing the kids, etc... but he also can't hold the house over your head and he can't use it to control or manipulate the situation.
So you move out now or save and move out later, but do it before he or a judge gets to dictate what options you have.
I would check with a L to see if this is an option, but I don't see why you can't or wouldn't be able to do this; It's no different than what he did moving out.
You also don't need to worry about what happens to his house; he's the DS who moved out of it in the first place...
IMO he wants to use the house to get out of child support payments, but CS is something he legally has to do... You realize that if you made an agreement like this that he could boot you at any time (whether he would or wouldn't, he could) and move OW right on in without skipping a beat. You would have no place to live and thus, would lose some parental rights as well. Is this all making sense?
Whether or not he would is not the question. The fact remains that as long as you're there, he gets to dictate your living arrangement. Take that away and now you are on more even footing.
You need to get yourself on the same level as him. Why do I know this? My W has controlling tendencies as well. I regained my equality by exposing the A. I maintain it by having strong and well-set boundaries.
Tell me if any of this sounds familiar:
-H is very particular about how things (life, family, vehicles, etc) look to outsiders
-H has a routine and has trouble adjusting when routine is upset or he has to change his plans on the fly
-H has to have things put away or organized in a very particular way.
-H has trouble keeping friends long-term. He may have friends, but they are not "good" or overly close.
-H has a temper and leashes out at ppl close to him when his routine or other things are disrupted...
Any of that familiar?
1) get equal footing (not going to happen as long as he is literally putting a roof over your head)
2) establish very clear boundaries and stick to them.
I would guess he's paying you CS and alimony after the D if you want to pursue that road, as there appears to be a severe earning discrepancy. I can see why he would want to have you agree to all of those terms... Makes life really easy for him later...
So far, no no one has filed or done anything. I have done research, talking to L's, everything I can to be prepared. I even have D papers on me in my house just so I have them.
Yeah, I really would like to save, move out as soon as I can. He says he is filling as soon as I get a job. I am currently waiting for my cna license to give me my test date. I have a under the table secret job no one knows about too but that is only a little bit of money right now.
Yeah I know if I made the agreement he could kick me out at anytime, which is why I told him I will not agree to anything unless it is written into the divorce. I will make sure ANY AND EVERY agreement is legal!
I am working on new set of boundaries for myself and hopefully a moving out plan. I know staying in the house is best financially for both of us but I just feel like I would never move on from him and be stuck kissing his booty as long as I lived here.
He called 5x, left 2 VM, and 1 text. I do not think it was important, the only thing he said was our daughter was cute in her dress, he asked for a photo the other day and just now replied about it and then both voicemail's said hey and hey when you get the chance call me back.
I can't be NC everyday because of the babies but I'm trying to be as NC as I can be. If he calls later I might answer since it takes like 5 minutes of effort to call from work but if not, then I'll answer tomorrow 1x.
To call from work he has to call 2 different people, have them call "his wife", and then be connected to my cell or house phone.
Still debating if he does if I should. I don't know.
I went and splurged at Victoria's Secret. 3 matching sets! My mom calls it my dating collection. All this new lingerie and matching sets no one will get to see but I have LOL.
Good for you, Red!!! There's nothing like a few very pretty yet secret luxuries to give yourself a little boost.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
V- I will look up the smiling crocodile tactic. Google just says being fake? Two faced?
I really thought I was doing good..but he knows exactly what to say to make it really hurt.
How can I DB if he knows deep down how I feel no matter how hard I try to move on and act as if until its real?
That's what hurt. He knows how I feel deep down and just doesn't care. At all.
Last night I started reading up on your threads after posting on mine. I am almost caught up, but I just wanted to check in and say you are amazing! I wish I was as quick to pick up on the tactics as you are. The conversation you had with him about the D and OW you handled beautifully. I know the strategies here seem simple and easy when you are reading about it, but when you are in the thick of it there is a lot going on and being human is one of those things we can't overcome.
Listen to V...she knows her Sh!$. And definitely rely on your lawyer. I can't imagine that you have no claim on the house--it is an asset. Every state is the same, but definitely keep your L in your back pocket. You are doing amazing. Far better than I did.
<<hugs>>
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
