Need practical ideas to aid my 180/Last Resort.WAW

[bigybiz]

MrBond - I think you are off base on this. I'm looking to find the right balance in the in house separation. I'm concerned about what is the right approach. If I do all the work that's not good and if I do none of the work that's not good. It's still her house and her kids too. Just because she has "checked out on the relationships (Kids and I) does not mean she get's a free pass. It's not about control it's about responsibility inside the DB/DR 180 strategy. Any input from others?

[Cristy]

Hello Bigybiz,

Finding the right balance in an in house separation can be very challenging. You are smart to recognize that you need the right approach. What has your DB Coach said about this?

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me at 303-444-7004 to schedule another session with your DB Coach.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[MrBond]

Go back and re-read your statements. You are trying to control her to a certain degree which was her biggest complaint about you. Maybe you can't see it but it doesn't mean that it isn't there from her POV.

[sandi2]

I went great guns on catching up on the repairs and maintenance. I'm backing that off a little now. Someone (maybe you) said that some WAW get more resentful when they see the projects getting completed after they have "pulled the trigger".

Let me try to clarify. First of all, any repairs that you can fix, then fix them ASAP. And if you can't fix them, call a professional. It adds to the resentment and frustration for a woman to see her H ignore and/or continue putting off fixing what is broken around the house. It can cause him to look lazy and having little pride about his home. It is things like this that work on women's nerves, and ultimately, hurting the MR. She acts mad or silent, and he doesn't know what's eating at her. She figures, "What's the use in saying anything, b/c it doesn't do any good". See what I mean? She pushes down more resentment and it builds over the years.

What you may have read from me about not doing all the work, was referring to when some H's go into this Super Husband mode and is doing his work and her work, as well. And if she's a SAHM or not, it is simply the H kissing her a$$, and she knows it. Except for unusual circumstances, I don't think it is healthy for the MR for H to work at a FT job and then fly into doing 100% of everything else, too. If the couple can agree on who does what chores, that's great. That is what I meant by staying balanced.

Do what you and your W consider to be the "man's" work around the house, plus clean up after yourself. Since you are in-house separation, keep your room/bath cleaned and share the cleaning for the rest of the house. Help with the cooking, laundry, etc. (or whatever the two of you work out). If she prefers to mow the yard and you had rather cook.....great!

I have seen H's nearly kill themselves trying to hold down a job, do all the care of the children, and all the housework/cooking/laundry/ etc. (Btw, I have also seen that fall on the W). That is not balanced, and when there is no balance....the relationship gets out of whack b/c of resentments.

[bigybiz]

MrBond. Thanks for your comments. Maybe you can help me a little here. Do you have some suggestions about finding a balance in an in house separation?

The issue I have is the balance between my GAL and dealing with her acting as the summer student you let live in your house for a few months. You know the one that promised to help - but never did.

I've been taking on more in the home because I need to know how to run my home (so I've started cooking again after 20 years, finding out the secrets of the linens in my home etc. So if she leaves - I'll be OK and she will know that her kids are not starving and not living in filth. But, she has not left - she is hiding in our basement, taking on few responsibilities in the house. So I've been trying to firmly and smartly (again trying) to delegate "Hey - I've done the laundry etc, can you take care of the bathroom and kitchen. Yes, the deck is stacked against me - any and all actions on my part will be seen as controlling. I still need to action responsibly, proportionally and still be sensitive to her perceptions.

If I've learned anything from the DB/DR books etc is that being a wimp and being controlling are both not going to get me my desired results.

So, if I do everything and let her act like a spoiled child. What message does that send to her and my kids?

Your practical suggestions are very much needed.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks for your reply. Yes, after years of neglect to our house the projects have kick started. Why the neglect - I was delusional, I was waiting for something to happen re: work that would make everything better.

So now, I've got fresh paint everywhere, basic repairs are done, the pros have come in and fixed a few things too. It's almost time for some major projects to get done. Those will have to wait. Since I don't have the $ and who knows what will happen with the house.

Yes, I went full speed on doing the housework - now I've dialed it down a little and trying to find a balance. As I've said she hides in our basement working on her own projects, studying for a online course and chatting with her new friends and I guess she is planning her escape.

So finding the balance in the in house sep is tough. My expectations are at 0. I realize it's a marathon not a sprint.

I'm trying to be optimistic. Here is one of my many questions. In DB - Michele talks about " what would I do differently if W was to start considering R". Well I would want to be super husband if she would R. I'd say "I'll clean up dinner and get our youngest taken care of and to bed, while you go and study, etc. Then in a few hours we could have a cup of tea together and maybe watch a TV show".

Obviously that would be a threat to her now - so how do I Act As If - without breaking the 37 rules?

[MrBond]

Does she help pay for the household? If so, then you can't kick her out. The biggest challenge for you seems to be to not concentrate on what she's doing. You need to focus on you. What were the things that made you attractive before? and what were the things that you enjoyed and had fun with before? Do that.

Have you written out your list of goals yet as per DB?

[bigybiz]

MrBond - Does she help pay. I don't want to kick her out. I'm hoping that if she does move out she will regret it - as we know the rules say until she suffers some loss at her own hand...

I'm not focused on her I'm focused on my db/dr/180. That's why I'm in need of some practical ideas. What made me attractive 20 years ago was I was a bad boy and unavailable. Today I'm a caged husband. Yes, I've been seeing my friends, working out like a mad man, building my business, looking forward to spring so I can get on my mtn bike, hit some golf balls, maybe join a softball league.

As I said, any ideas are welcome. I'd like to hear from men who have got their WAW/WW back. Are there any threads with success stories?

M

[Vapo]

Search out for Mozza's thread...

[Vapo]

Search out for Mozza's thread...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2637159&page=1