WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[trumpet]

25yrsmlc,

I'd have to disagree with some of what you just posted.

Truly detaching to me would be loving my wife, even if she doesn't love me. Christ commands me to love others, even if they don't love in return. Being cold and dark to her for the rest of my life just won't look all that attractive to her, if I want her back. MWD stresses to be as if, as if I'm happy without her, and to show my STBXW that I'm moving on, and have changed into a man only a fool would leave.

Completely focusing my entire life on me, and only me, would be selfish. Now, am I a pushover husband, begging for another chance? Nope. I hardly talk to the W anymore. So, would it seem to her that I'm being selfish? I think so, but it's really me putting some distance between us. I'm not ready to reconcile anymore. I'm still working on ME, and working through lonliness sometimes, other times it's a bout of anger, sadness, defiance (I'll show HER!), pride (that's the killer sin, right there), or pity.

On the comment of my wife finding her happy: If she's in the EA, probably soon to be PA (started taking birth control again), she has huge needs to find happiness with someone else, as she can't find it in herself. She's still workign out 6 days a week, continues to lose weight, and looks great. I think it's a MLC now, and that puts why her inability to stop the affair was so tough. If my wife is truly happy without me, and she moves forward with her life, I'm getting to be OK with that. The rejection is tough, but I did do things in the marriage, I did help cause the situation. I didn't cause her to start an affair, that's on her. However, if the MLC and EA/PA end down the road, and I'm happy, have moved on, and with someone else (I hope to be sooner or later), I can see how difficult and depressing her life could become. She's about to lose her church, 1/2 time with her kids, possibly her house, some of her friends, and she has a super-high regret meter. It would go off the charts. If I have moved on, and I'm happy, I'd naturally still care about her, and not want to see her depressed or unavailable to be a good mom to the kids. I just dread having to deal with the repercussions of her actions now. I'll never be able to get her completely out of my life - she's the mother to my kids, and I will aways care about her.

A friend of mine, who's in the same sitch as me, has told me his counsel has reminded him that he'll deal with the situation appropriately at that time, and not to deal with the 'what if's' until they truly appear in your life. It's good to gameplan, but unhealthy to constantly react now to what might happen 1,2,3 years down the road.


My thought of the card was just to be nice - but I do see from the posts above that it would be seen as manipulative from my wife, so in that regard, I won't do anything, but I will express to the kids they need to make some cards up for mom.

On the D front: I did send an email to the W, and she agreed to everything I want. I'd love to have the kids 100%, but a 50/50 split would be the best for them. Financially, I might be able to make it out ok, as the wife keeps telling me 'she doesn't want my money'. Fine by me!

I don't want the house - she'll refi, which will be dicey, but hopefully she can. I'll move into a condo or apt. close to the house, making it easy for the kids to go back and forth. I want the minivan, and will pay her half of the value. I keep my 401k, she keeps hers. She pays me half of the equity in the house upon refi of it.

I will most likely drop the motion to kick her out of the house and gain 100% custody, as it most likely won't happen... my gut, as well as what my L said. But it did help set things up for me.

Work is good. Challenging some days, but good. Support from my church, friends, and family has been good. I didn't sit and cry on my 40th - for now, it's just a day in the life of Trumpet.
In fact, very few tears the last couple weeks. A few bouts of lonliness and sadness, but I'm confident in moving forward. I'm much more at peace with things. I still see my wife as broken, and needing help. She says she's fine, and we're done, and the D is moving forward. I'm facing reality, loving my kids every day, and preparing for the next stage in life.